The Really Useful Guide To Alcohol – Rowan Atkinson

A Few Thoughts

• Love is blind, but jealousy has the best eyesight of the lot!
• I had amnesia once…or was it twice?
• A bird in the hand is not as good as one in the oven
• All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy!
• It’s far easier to forgive an enemy when you have got even with him
• The worst part of being successful is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
• If at first though you don’t succeed then destroy all of the evidence that you tried
• If you try something new and again don’t succeed then forget that first skydiving course
• Friends come and go but enemies accumulate
• The meek shall inherit the earth but not the mineral rights
• He who laughs least in life always laughs last but may be called rather dim witted for being so blinking slow at getting the joke
• Being punctual proves that you can only be very bored most of the time
• Democracy is great!We have the right to share your privacy in public.
• One nice thing about egoists…they don’t talk about other people!
• The right to be heard does not give you the right to be taken seriously.
• A bank will always loan you some money just as long as you can prove that you don’t need it
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• My weight is perfect for my height…..which varies.
• I used to be indecisive…..now I’m not so sure!
• The cost of living doesn’t affect its popularity
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What’s another word for ‘ Thesaurus ‘?
• It’s not an optical illusion…it just looks like one!

Hey, I Think It’s Hilarious

SON: What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?

ME: Well, that’s your uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why.

SON: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein?

ME: That SON OF A BITCH!!

Cool Things To Do In A Gym Shower Stall

We except no responsibility for any ass kicking you may receive for following any of the advice given below.

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.

10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.

11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm”, making the sound of their animal in the stall.

12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.

13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

I’m At A Loss For Words!

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

Pregnancy Q&A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re, pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid While recovering from Childbirth?
A: yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Just Sent This To Harvard, They Gotta Let Me In Now

Dear Harvard Admissions Committee,

Thank you for your interest in giving me a Harvard rejection letter.

I have reviewed your letter and I am impressed with your rejection reasons and other suggestions.
However, I have received many rejection letters this year. Therefor after careful consideration, have decided not to accept your rejection letter.

Please understand that this is not a negative evaluation of your rejection letter, but rather a reflection of my unique choice criteria.

Once again, I appreciate your courage to give me a rejection letter and wish every success in your future rejecting.

I’ll see you all on campus in September.

Best Wishes,
John Smith

Should You Really Say This?

1. Dogs can’t see inside your body, but CAT scan.
2. What is the soul good for if laughter is good for the soul?
3. If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur.
4. Don’t drink and drive. You might spill your beer.
5. You’re in the wrong lane when everything is coming at you.
6. If you are on a diet, the first three letters of that word are probably feeling pretty accurate right now.
7. When someone tells you, “Have a nice day!”, stare at them and say, “Don’t tell me what to do!”
8. You are so annoying. You are so weird. You are so crazy. You are so stupid. You are so clingy. You are…just like me.
9. I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.
10. Alcohol and Calculus don’t mix. It’s never a good idea to drink and derive.
11. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let my wife sleep.
12. If I tried to look as attractive as all of the celebrities I like, I’d end up looking about as ugly as I am.
13. If we were on a plane about to crash and only had one parachute, I promise I’d give an amazing speech at your funeral.
14. I am not as think as you confused I am really!
15. Try calling Pizza Hut just to ask Domino’s phone number.
16. Isn’t it strange that cigarettes are sold in gas stations, since smoking is prohibited there?
17. Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator if you’re not supposed to eat at night?
18. Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
19. Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
20. If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not really your friends.
21. If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a mural worth?
22. I’d be happy to give you a shoulder to cry on, except I don’t want my shoulder to get wet.
23. There are three different types of people. Those who can count, and those who can’t.
24. Try texting someone a random word and see what happens next.
25. It was as easy as a walk in the park…Jurassic Park.

Too Much Money

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

The Zodiacs When Drunk

CAPRICORN: Trying to keep it together until they vomit and get kicked out
AQUARIUS: No one knows what they’re laughing at
PISCES: Most likely to black out
ARIES: Wakes up with bruises
TAURUS: Left the bar early to go get food
GEMINI: Has heart to heart with someone they just met
CANCER: Initiating shots… crying somewhere 2 hrs later
LEO: Flirting with everyone and posting way too many Instagram stories
VIRGO: Never drunk enough, would rather be at home
LIBRA: Disappears to go hook up with someone
SCORPIO: Either plastered drunk or completely sober. Makes it their mission to get laid
SAGITTARIUS: Never wants the night to end. “After party?!”

Watch What You Say

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Harley.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

“She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”

How Stupid Are These People?

Yes, Someone Was That Stupid, And No Alcohol Was Not Involve

I’ve Been Looking For That Stuff

Only A Matter Of Time

Don’t Tell Me Anyone Believed Her

Forget The Gun Just Use The Laser

Old Enough For Ya

Good To Know You Have Options

Those Aren’t Dad Bods Their Father Figures

Just Once I Want To See Someone Try That