Schizophrenic Jeopardy – Mad TV

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

• Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
• Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
• Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
• Rottweiler. Make me.
• Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
• Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can l? Can l? Huh? Huh? Can l? Pleeeeeeze, please, please, please!
• German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
• Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
• Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb.
• Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
• Pointer: I see it, there it is, t there it is, right there…
• Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
• Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
• Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
• The Cat’s Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

At Least They Were Both Eventually Honest

One day, David drove his date to a lonely, quiet area and parked the car.

Just as he was making his move, the woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m a prostitute.”

David thought about it for a moment and decided he was okay with it.

They agreed on $50, and everything went smoothly.

Afterward, David smiled and said, “Now it’s my turn to be honest too. I’m a taxi driver, and it will cost you $50 to get back to town.”

Supermodel Wisdom

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
“Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling.”
– Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY
“I just found out that I’m one inch taller than I thought.”
– Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY
“My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, ‘What if she’s ugly? You’re ugly.’”
– Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
“It’s very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it’s not inspiring for your workout.”
– Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS
“I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself — it’s eerie.”
– Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP
“The soundtrack to ‘Indecent Exposure’ is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby.”
– Fabio

ON PARADOX
“Sometimes I get lonely, but it’s nice to be alone.”
– Tatjana Patitz

ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
“I’ve looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It’s the same face.”
– Claudia Schiffer

Good Dog

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a very unusual funeral procession heading toward a nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind it.

Behind the second hearse walked a woman leading a pit bull on a leash.

Trailing behind her were about 200 women walking quietly in single file.

Curious, the woman politely approached the dog owner and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know this isn’t the best time to ask, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s.”

“What happened to him?” she asked.

“My dog attacked and killed him,” the woman answered.

The woman hesitated, then asked, “And who is in the second hearse?”

“My mother-in-law,” she replied. “She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A long, thoughtful silence passed between them.

Finally, the woman asked quietly, “Can I borrow the dog?”

The woman replied, “Get in line.”

Top Dozen Signs Your Car Needs Cleaning

12. Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.

11. Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.

10. Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”

9. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.

8. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.

7. “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.

6. Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.

5. Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.

4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs humping your tires.

3. Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.

2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing baby!

So That’s What Does It?

A mother, father, and son were having dinner, but the son wouldn’t eat his brussels sprouts.

The mother said, “Son, eat your sprouts,” but the son refused.

The father leaned over and whispered in the boy’s ear. The boy quickly ate his sprouts and went to his room.

The mother asked, “What did you say to him?”

The father replied, “I told him his willy wouldn’t grow any bigger if he didn’t eat them!”

The mother slapped the father around the head.

He asked, “What was that for?”

She replied, “For not eating your sprouts when you were a child.”

This Disease Has Always Been With Us, It’s Just That Now They Can Be Heard By Everyone

Disease: IDIOTITIS

Symptoms: Causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking.

Numbers of Infected: Millions, just look at any election

Contagious: Very, especially through 24-hour so-called news

Best Defense: Slap and run.

Watcha Ya Gonna Catch With That?

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round silver thing in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says, “It’s a pussy willow.”

Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

How Computers Are Like Men…

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
5) They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

How Computers Are Like Women…

1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
5) You do the same thing for years and suddenly it’s wrong.

You Want A Lie? I’ll Tell You A Lie

Little Johnny is always late for school, and what’s worse, he always has a huge excuse.

Finally, his teacher has had enough and tells the principal, “Next time Johnny is late, him sending him straight to you.”

The principal says, “Good. I’ll tell him a lie so big, he’ll never lie again.”

The very next day, Johnny arrives two hours late.

Johnny explains, “Sir, I was actually two hours early today. On the way to school. I stopped to fish in the pond and caught a 17-pound trout. I had to take it home and clean it. If I didn’t freeze it, my mom would’ve been really angry. That’s why I’m late.”

The teacher immediately takes Johnny to the principal’s office and repeats the story.

The principal smiles and says, “Well Johnny, let me tell you about my morning. I was walking through the park when I heard something behind me. I turned around and saw a giant grizzly bear, 24 feet tall with 6-inch fangs! He was about to eat me!”

Johnny’s eyes go Wide. ‘Just then,” the principal continues. “a tiny dog jumped out of the bushes, attacked
the bear, killed it, and then ate the entire bear right in front of me!”

The principal asks. “What do you think of that, Johnny?

Johnny nods and says, “Oh that’s my dog, Nickels. And that was his third bear this week.”

I Can’t Believe Our Parents Still Think Were In School

Yet Somehow Smart Enough To Do The Job

There It Is!

You’d Think I Would Have Learned By Now

Not Much Has Changed Since Then

How London Deals With Ghosts

Don’t Do It, It’s A Trap! But Their Doughnuts!

Old Love Is So . . . Sweet

Well I Couldn’t Just Move Him, That Would Be Cruel

These Are The Ratings I Want To See