Please remember this was 1974

If Women Were Honest When Shopping

Heaven And Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
And everything’s run by the Swiss

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
And everything’s run by the Italians.

Damn, That’s Smart

Tip: When making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

Atheist Agenda

08:80am: Wake up
08:31am: Cry about Creationism in Schools
08:45am: Shower in blood
09:00am: Eat a baby
09:15am: Skype with Satan. discuss world domination
09:30am: Drive to work and sing along with Ozzy
10:05am: Scowl and hiss white walking to the desk
12:30pm: Geta latte and gluten free pastry for lunch
05:30pm: Drive home and listen to Rammstein
06:00pm: Eat another baby
10.00pm: Watch a ridiculous documentary on Atheism
03:15am: Light black candles and pray to the Dark Lord

It’s A Big Difference When It’s Your kids EVERY DAY!

Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me With Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on right now, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.

Things Not To Do At A Funeral

1. Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you’re the deceased’s gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow’s limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

STRESS DIET

BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
I slice Whole Wheat Toast
8 oz. Milk

LUNCH
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb Tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the package of Oreo’s
1 quart Rocky Road Ice Cream
I jar Hot Fudge

DINNER
2 loaves Garlic Bread
Large Pepperoni and Mushroom Pizza
Large Pitcher of Pepsi
2 Milky Way Candy Bars
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer

Top 10 Reasons Its Great To Be A Canadian

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings soar.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

Stupid Golfers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin, “Well, not everybody pays.”

Why We Love Children

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a police officer? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

5) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

6) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

7) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

8 ) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

Yeh, That Pretty Much Sums It Up

Hi, welcome to Chuck E. Cheese.

Everything is visibly dirty and our mascot is a rat, eat some pizza near a sneezing child.

Come on down for some rat pizza at our child casino.

What Kind Of Coffee Do You Want?

Bet You Never Thought You’d Agree With Karen Huh?

Finally, I Was Getting Tired Of De-boning All Those Kids

Just A Simple Observation

Why Yes I’m An American, How Did You Guess?

Please Tell Me This Would Work

Smartest Thing He Ever Did

That’s Just Evil,…Funny,…But Evil

Trust Me This Is Really Funny

Where Do I Sign Up?