How Return Of The Jedi Should Have Ended

Dark jokes

• My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. The last thing she said was, “Be positive.” But it’s hard without her.
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• While digging in the garden, I found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
• Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
• I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!
• Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body.
• Before my friend Frank died, he asked that I store his ashes in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in stein.
• A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
• Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” It activated the front-facing camera.
• Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. Like when you push them down the stairs.
• My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
• The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
• You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
• Never break someone’s heart. They only have one of those. Break their bones instead—they have 206 of them.
• My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
• After the man who created the hokeypokey died, it took a while to get the body in the casket. They put his right foot in. They took his right foot out….
• When I told my date I worked with animals, she found it really sweet and asked more about my job. So I told her: “I’m a butcher.”
• They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But I find going through the rib cage a lot easier.
• Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?

Apply Cold Water To Burn Area

Ok I’m losing my shit right now because I just witnessed the sickest burn a 7 year old could ever deliver.

I’m just sitting here at the park and there’s a group of little girls near me. They decided to play ‘Disney Princesses’ and this one girl who probably thinks she’s the ‘leader’ was assigning each one a character. Clearly, she was choosing them based on looks, as a brunette she was Snow White, the 2 blonde ones got to be Cinderella and Elsa.

So, when she got to this little Asian girl she obviously chose Mulan. So, the Asian girl is like “Why am I Mulan? She’s not a princess”.

The leader says in a nasty tone “Yeah but you have small eyes like her”.

The Asian girl went quiet for a few seconds but then proceeded with the straightest face ever: “Then I think you should be one of Cinderella’s sisters”.

The leader tilts her head and goes “Why?”.

So my little heroine goes “Because you’re ugly like them”.

Humans Are Adorable.

Supporting Evidence:

1. Humans say ‘Ow’ even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.
2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although, each individual has a unique taste for style and coloring
3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash’
4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.
5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.
6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colorful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartilage membranes!
7. Humans are very clever and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences and often raise them alongside their own young!
8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!
9. If a human hears a particularly catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!
10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated
11. Humans love treats! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, popsicles, etc
12. They’re learning to travel in space!!! They can’t get very far, but they’re tying!!! so far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks!

This sounds like it was written by a really enthusiastic alien humanologist

Got A Phone Call From One Of My Best Homegirls

Her: Morgan. I think I’ve finally snapped.
Me: What the hell happened?
Her: This asshole sent me a dick pic that I did NOT in anyway rucking solicit, so I sent him back a picture of my shit this morning.
Me: You.. .wait… you sent him pictures of your turds?!
Her: Fuck yes!
Me: Haaaaaa, what did he say?
Her: He was all like, ‘what the fu(k’? And I told him I must have been confused, because I thought we were playing a game to see who could make the other as uncomfortable as possible.
Me: You perfect fu(king angel .

List Of Things To Say When Someone Asks Why You Don’t Want Kids

• I promised my firstborn to a witch and really don’t want to make good on the deal
• Well, you can have them FOR me if it’s that big a deal to you
• I don’t think I could get a good price for them on the black market
• I can’t be a better parent than Angelina Jolie so why even bother
• I literally JUST sat down
• Kids? What are those? I don’t understand.
• Oohhh no. I’ve seen Disney movies. I Know what happens to mothers
• Centipedes? In my vagina?
• ‘Angrily’ YOU SEE!? This is just like that episode or Spongebob where ‘insert the plot of any episode of Spongebob in excruciating detail’
• I heard they’re.. you know.. itchy. Like as soon as you have a kid. Just totally itchy. Everything.
• I’m an Aries
• Well, we already got an even number so.. ‘shrug’
• I must first capture the Avatar to regain my honor
• I’m allergic
• That’s just what the communists want!
• I like sleeping too much.
• Santa didn’t bring me one last Christmas, so I guess it’s not meant to be
• I’m afraid they’ll have bad taste in memes
• It would be unfair to my cat
• I’m chaotic neutral
• ‘Make a long farting noise lasting at least 45 seconds’
• “I don’t want to have children. I want to stay single, and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset”

Three Nuns Were Talking

The first nun said, “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of Condoms.”

“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns.

“What did you do?” they asked.

She smiled and said, “I poked holes in all of them!”

The third nun fainted.

Shit I’ve Heard High Schoolers Say

• Why stop at capitalism? Destroy everything.
• Guys it’s been three weeks since I’ve eaten a vegetable
• At least we have memes to dull the pain of existence
• An AP student: Oh my god I thought seven was less than six
• (while filling the cap of their water bottle with water) SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
• friend one: If all your friends jumped off a bridge wou-
friend two: probably
• I’M GONNA GO HOME AND DRINK A WHOLE GLASS OF WEED
• If cows ruled the world would they drink human milk?
• student: my calculator is broken
teacher: your calculator isn’t broken, you’re broken
• …no actually I think you have to be of age to be considered a cougar
• (during math class on the second floor)
student 1: so like how far do you think the distance is from that window to the ground?
student 2: enough
• teacher: has anyone ever been to New Orleans?
Student: does Popeyes count?
• My word count on this paper isn’t very high but I certainly am
• We’re in adult limbo. I’m not a teen and I’m not an adult. I’M SUFFERING, THAT’S WHAT I AM!
• Look at my… (swings leg up to show shorts) not pants

Trying To Explain My Sexuality To My Dad

Me: Okay, so would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a female partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: Or a male partner.
Me: Yep.
Dad: And that means you’re bi.
Me: Yep.
Dad: But if you’re not in a relationship, what does that make you?
Me: On Standbi
Dad: I was gonna say “Bistander” but that’s funny.

Unavoidable Laws

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe

1. Law of repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.
2. Law of workshop: Any tow when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner
3. Law of probability: The probability of ‘being watched’ is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. The telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning or soon thereafter, you will have a flat tire.
Variation law: If you change lanes the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (happens every time)
7. Bath theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water or in the shower, the telephone will ring
8. Law of close encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.
9. Law of the result: When you try to prove to someone that machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law or biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last
12. Law of coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s law or lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law or dirty carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet.
15. Law or location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of logical argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
17. Brown’s law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
18. Oliver’s law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson’s law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Why Store Clerks Should Mind Their Own Business

My Female Bestie: *stops to buy tampons*
Male clerk: Ohhhh, it’s that time of the month, eh?
Bestie:…
Bestie: No, actually I’m a dude and I am buying these for your mom. Kinda sad I won’t be able to screw her tonight but…you know how it is, right?
Old Man In Line Behind Her: I’m not current on all the lingo but I believe you’ve just been “burned,” young man.

I Believe Them

Bitch’in Grandma!

What Kind Of Hole?

The Only Time I Ever Said No To Fries

Yes, Criminals Were Always This Stupid They Just Didn’t Have A Place Where Everyone Could See It

Now Your Just Being Weird

Remember If It Doesn’t Work He Goes Free

What Did You Think They Did With Those?

Damn, Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

At Least Men Are Consistent