Musical: The Roommate Monster

Family Feud Answers

These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show “Family Feud”

Name something a blind person might use – A sword
Name a song with moon in the title – Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck – Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch – A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister – Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers – A horse
Name something that floats in the bath -Water
Name something you wear on the beach – A deck chair
Something you do before going to bed – Sleep
Something you put on walls – Roofs
Name a famous bridge – The bridge over troubled waters
Something associated with the police – Pigs
A sign of the zodiac – April
Something slippery – A con man
Name an animal you might see at the zoo – A dog
A food that can be brown or white – Potato
Something with a hole in it – Window
A part of the body beginning with ‘N’ – Knee
Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate

How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don’t Really Mean

THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof.

1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
“In my opinion,” you say as sincerely as you can manage, “you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.”

4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly

The Raft

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees who worked at the factory decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.

They are no longer employed there.

Automobile Acronyms

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brake My Window
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long
Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
(backwards) – Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
First on Rubbish Dump

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man’s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive…

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly
Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular
Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Deep Thoughts Imitations

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.”

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
–Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
–Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
–Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol’ person vote. –Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
–Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth, that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally, but I didn’t want to upset him.
–Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night burping.
–Age 15

When I go to Heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
–Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower. –Age 11

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
–Age 13

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.
–Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
–Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
–Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
–Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”
–Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?
–Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
–Age 15

Would You Do It All Over Again?

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again.

“Sure,” she replied, “but not the same ones.”

What Women Really Mean When They Say . . .

Can’t we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again.

I just need some space.
Without you.

Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven’t had a fight in awhile.

No, pizza’s fine
You cheap slob!

I just don’t want a boyfriend right now.
I just don’t want YOU as a boyfriend right now.

I don’t know, what do you want to do?
I can’t believe that you have nothing planned.

Come here.
My puppy does this too.

I like you, but . . .
I don’t like you.

Of course I love you.
Just not in that way.

You never listen.
You never listen.

We’re moving too quickly.
I’m not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I’ll be ready in a minute.
I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I’ll pay for myself.
I’m just being nice: there is no way I’m going dutch.

Oh Yes!!!! Right there.
Well near there; I just want to get this over with.

I’m just going out with the girls.
We’re going to get sloppy drunk and make fun of you and your friends.

Illusion?

An 80 yr old man is having his annual check up, the Dr. asks him how he’s feeling.

“I’ve never been better! He replies. I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?

The Dr. considers this for a moment, then says “well, let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry & he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he’s in the woods & suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him.”

“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” replies the 80 yr old.

“Exactly!”

Signs That You Drink Too Much…

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Job interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Career won’t progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth…now THAT’S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
• At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. – hmmm.
• The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

Things Only A Mom Can Teach

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION….
“Just wait until your father gets home!”

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me LOGIC …
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE….
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, you’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD …
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

My Mother taught me about ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold.”

My Mother taught me HUMOR …
“When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My Mother taught me about SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”

My Mother taught me about GENETICS….
“You’re just like your father!”

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS….
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

And my all time favorite … JUSTICE….
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….then you’ll see what it’s like.”

Forget Drunk Driving & Using A Cell Phone, The Real Cause Of Accidents It’s Just Plain Stupidity!

I Didn’t Fall Off I Created A New Sport! Surf Diving!

Keeping Up Diplomatic Relations

Bet You Wish You Had Slept With This Thing Under Your Pillow Right About Now Huh?

How About Just In Front Of It Is That Ok?

Are You Sure This Is The Way To Play This Game?

Yeh I Wouldn’t Believe Her Either

Is There A Third Option?

Just Which Doctors Were Those…Exactly?

Sugar And Spice And Everything Bad Ass