Porn Buddies

“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”

“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. .. .”

“The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”

“Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.”

“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”

“The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”

“Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.”

“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

“Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”

Behind Schedule

The program manager couldn’t grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. “At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do,” says a programmer on the team. “I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals.”

PM’s response? “I was told we were already behind schedule and didn’t have time to meet with the customer.”

Parenting

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Tee Shirt Lines

“Filthy Stinking Rich… Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
“I Used Up All My Sick Days… So I Called In Dead”
“Husband and Cat Lost… Reward for Cat”
“Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton”
“Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt”
“Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes… Use Birth Control”
“If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees”
“If You Can Read This…Kiss A Teecher”
“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
“If You Remember the ’60s, You Weren’t Really There”
“Procrastinate Now”
“Rehab Is for Quitters”
(Across a drawing of a skeleton) “Waiting for the Perfect Man”
“My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse… …. He Couldn’t do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”
“The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley”

Animal Truisms

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Dogs may shed, but cats shred.

Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Crime = Idiots = Don’t Pay!

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, “Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.”

Elsewhere…

In Nashville, they tell of Fred “Bubba” Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

Meanwhile…

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall… Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.

And…

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail…entirely in quarters.

Stranger yet….

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he’d stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

In the Heartland…

Lawrence, Kansas – Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

And Finally….

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said “Cedar Woods Apartments” and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

Military Wisdom

1. A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
2. 10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
3. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
4. Claymores are labeled “This side toward enemy” for a reason.
5. Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
6. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
7. Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
8. If it’s stupid but works, it really isn’t stupid.
9. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
10. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is “not” our friend.
11. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
12. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
13. Incoming fire has the right of way.
14. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
15. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
16. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
17. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
18. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
19. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
20. The easy way is always mined.
21. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re ready for them.
b. When you’re not ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
22. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
23. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
24. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
25. When in doubt empty the magazine.

The Mom Dictionary!

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:
1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

COOK:
1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom’s other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

Universal College Grade Change Form

To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________

I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri-County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
__6. I’m on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam for me.
__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.
__17. This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
__19. Other reason: __________________.

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cock-er spaniel.

Have A Coke And A Smile Kid!

Where Can I Get One Of Those Cards?

Coming Soon To A Mall Near You! Damn Baby Boomers!

All Dads Are

But Grandparents Don’t Taste Chewy When Their That Old

And I Thought I Needed A Life

It May Not Be Disney But It Will Work

The Biggest Collection Of Incorrect So Called Facts Ever Assembled

Who Says You Need A Man?

Well You Told Me To Play With Her!