The Evil Voice – Mitchell & Webb

Top 10 Rejected Surgeon General’s Warnings

10. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking cigarettes while masturbating could cause personal injury. Recommend taking a class to adequately prepare for such a task.

9. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Don’t take this fine print too seriously; the feds make us print it.

8. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: 100% pure tax.

7. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: No matter how hard you try, you’ll never look as cool as Bogart.

6. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This cigarette mascot has phallic facial features.

5. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Gilbert Gottfried.

4. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: If you actually wear the free clothing you get from collecting multiple empty cigarette packs, you will look like a moron.

3. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that cigarette smoking may cause women to look like cheap, sleazy sluts.

2. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Keith Richards is a fluke.

1. SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking can cause you to lead a pathetic existence sitting in a smelly designated smoking area at your job, and freezing your cajones off in the middle of winter.

Best Business Plan Ever

I’m opening a gym called “Resolutions”.

It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

Good Reasons For A Guy To Stay Single

You won’t have to explain why you’re wearing “that” shirt with “those” pants.
You can leave the toilet seat in any position you damn well please.
You can actually tell the bartender, “If anyone calls, I’m here”.
You’ll be painting the town instead of the house.
When you get home after work, you don’t have to start work again.
You could actually show your girlfriend where you live.
You’d be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds you’d be concerned with are the ones you’re rolling.
You would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
You wouldn’t catch so much grief about those skid-marks in your underwear.
You’d get to see what your paycheck looks like.
You’d get to see what your credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn’t have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don’t have Mother-in-laws.
You wouldn’t have to watch sub-titled French films.
You could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
You can use your own name at hotels.
You wouldn’t have a driving instructor grading you every time you go somewhere.

And finally, when asked his opinion, a single guy can still say “Hell yes, those pants make you look fat!” (of course, he’ll never score though

Is This Really A Joke?

Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.”

So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please.”

The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.”

The friends turn and look around but there’s no punch line.

More Ways To Know You Are Addicted To Coffee

• You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

It’s Funny As Hell To Scare The Shit Out Of People

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Three girls walked up to me and said that they were scared to walk past the cemetery this late at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them, “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

Never seen anyone run so fast!

Top 10 Rejected New Fall TV Shows

10. Trading Infections – People with various diseases rub open wounds on each other. Whoever survives, wins.

9. Red Green’s Anatomy – Red Green gets naked and explores his anatomy.

8. America’s Next Top Kiss Ass – The best brown-nosers vie for a mediocre job.

7. Law and Order: Special Ed Unit – Mentally challenged adults try to solve crimes, but instead get frustrated and bang their heads on tables.

6. L3tt3rs – An English professor uses his knowledge of grammar and Shakespeare to solve crimes in Omaha.

5. Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition – NYC prostitutes get makeovers then star on the next season of The Bachelor.

4. Lost: Sahara – Ten survivors of a Saharan plane crash slowly die of hunger and dehydration.

3. CSI: Akron – Crime scene investigators solve their toughest cases yet in this glitzy and glamorous city.

2. Deal, No Deal, or Sex with the Woman Holding the Briefcase – What will these men do? Will they take the money and run, or will they take their chances with the hotties holding the case.

1. America’s Fattest Losers – Stand up comedians poke fun at fatties until they cry. The comedian who gets them to cry first wins.

Somehow I Doubt It

Mary was late for school and the principal asked her why.

She explained: “I had to take our cow to our neighbors so that the bull could get her pregnant.”

The principal said: “Couldn’t your father do that?”

Mary replied: “I suppose he could, but I think the bull has had more experience.”

Yo’ Mama Is So Fat…

Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her driver’s license says, “picture continued on other side.”
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she eats her cereal out of a satellite dish.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the telephone company gave her two area codes.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she walked into the all-you-can-eat buffet, they had to install speed bumps.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she’s got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her 18 years to live.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she hauls ass, she gotta make two trips.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat her blood type is marinara.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she sits on a quarter, she squeezes a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she gets her shoes shined, she has to take the shoeshine boy’s word for it.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat the shadow of her butt weighs 50 pounds.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat you can use her thong as a hammock.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo’ Mama Is So Fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.

Well, Who Did You Think It Was?

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg me to stop!
When I am finished you will be weak for days!

Sincerely,
The Flu!

Yes, This Book Is About Cats You Pervert!

Because Theirs Nothing Three Year Olds Like More Then Playing With Poo

Was This Really A Problem Here?

Too Much Reality

This Is Both Blasphemous And Sad

And The Music Was Better To

Now I’m Never Getting To Sleep

Challenge Excepted

Who Says It’s Hard To Raise Children

Oh Common, They’d Never Do That……Right