John Cleese and Rowan Atkinson – Beekeeping

Ways To Handle Stress

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says “Have a nice day” tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget the diet and send yourself a candy gram.
7. Make a list of things that you’ve already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax return with roman numerals.
11. Tattoo “out to lunch” on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and lob them from high places.
13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
14. Go shopping, buy everything, sweat in it, return it the next day.

Holiday Warning

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and crap like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.

9 Types Of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Gal – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

Old Yeller – “You goddamn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable?”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.

Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.

The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.

Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.

Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are 3hree kinds of boobs:
In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’

Funny Facts About Women

1. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you ‘just don’t understand’.
2. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
3. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
4. Finally, when an act of love ends, women do not feel like sleeping. They feel like talking and kissing.
5. Seventy percent of women would rather have chocolate than sex
6. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
7. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.
8. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

The Good Way Of Breaking Bad News

Dear Mom,

I know I haven’t written for three months, but I have been very busy and I’ve been having a very exciting time. Actually, I’m just back from the hospital, where I had spent 2 weeks. It was nothing, really – just a concussion on the back of my head, a broken leg and a hairline fracture, that I got while jumping out of the second floor of my hostel when it caught fire. In fact, I can now stand all by myself without crutches, and can almost see everything perfectly, except for a slight blur.

But don’t worry. The doctor says there is a good chance of me walking on my own again. Actually, it could have been worse, if not for that nice chai-walla (street tea vendor) who saw me lying there in a dead faint and rushed me to hospital. He was very helpful, really, and came to see me everyday in the hospital. Now that I am out of hospital, I had nowhere to go, as the hostel is still under construction. So when he suggested that I move in with him in his hut, I thought it was very kind of him, and agreed. We are very much in love now, and I am sure that you and Dad will surely like him and accept him in the family. I am sure the minor matter that he is fourteen years older than me and that he is of a different color and religion, will not matter at all to broadminded parents like you. He may be illiterate and poor, but he has a heart of gold – really, Mom, you should see how he cares for both of us – me and his wife, that is. She is quite sweet too, and so are her three children; so there is absolutely no problem. You must be wondering how you and Dad got informed so late. Don’t get angry, Mom. We just didn’t have the time. You see, we decided to get married only recently since we thought it would be unfair to let our baby into the world without a proper surname. Yes, Mom, you are going to be a grandmother!

Congratulations! I am sure you and Dad are delighted, and will come to visit us in his village in Mizoram after we shift there next week.

OK Mom. All this did not really happen. There was no fire, no fracture, no bigamous chai-walla and no illegitimate pregnancy. But I did flunk in my Mathematics exam, and I wanted you to view this problem in the right perspective.

Your Darling Daughter

Only In America…

…do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

…do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

…do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

…do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

What Causes Arthritis?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Ways To Identify An Idiot

(1) He spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said, “concentrate”.
(2) He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
(3) He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
(4) He sends a fax with a stamp on it.
(5) He tries to drown a fish.
(6) If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you’d get change.
(7) He trips over a cordless phone.
(8) He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
(9) At the bottom of the application where it says “Sign Here”, he puts “Sagittarius”.
(10) He takes 2 hours to watch “60 minutes”.
(11) He invents a solar powered flashlight.
(12) He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.
(13) He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.
(14) He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport left”, and he turned around and went home.
(15) He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.
(16) He spends time reading thru the above 15 points and analyses if he is an idiot!!!

What The Hell Are You Doing!

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“This morning I was outside milking.”

“As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied her left leg to a pole.”

I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right leg to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail and I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.

As I was tying up her tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!

If It Happens That Often That You Have To have A Sign For It, I Ain’t Going In!

Ok, Now Your Just Being Stupid

Were All Still Trying To Figure That One Out

Either Way You’ll Stop Worrying About It

And You Thought We Were Going To A Strip Club

So You Can’t Afford Stairs Huh? No Problem

Which Did You See First, The Ass Stomach Or The White Dress Shoes With Black Socks?

I Know It Looks Cool But I’m Not Going To Try It

I Guess You Don’t Have A Problem With The Ball Rolling Out Of Bounds Huh?

One Trillion Dollars