Why Girls Don’t Fart…

Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

1) Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!
2) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7) Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.
8) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11) Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Living Wills

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it’s tough being married to a smart ass.

Family Rules

1. Mom is not allowed to potty alone. She must be accompanied by a cat, a dog, a kid (teens too), or a husband asking nonsense questions.
2. Popcorn may not be consumed unless a large portion is given to the couch as sacrifice
3. Whole family members must not enjoy dinner on the same night
4. Every meal, regardless of what it is has to be called gross disgusting before we can eat it
5. Everyone must use their outside voices at all times
6. At no point, our kids allowed to know where their water bottles are
7. Being told to brush your teeth, has to be met with the response of total shock and confusion. every time
8. All kids must never sleep through the night on the same nights
9. Whenever you’re leaving school, you must only protect one glove. The other glove, who knows.
10. Bath time must be a trial run for Olympic swimming
11. No one can ever find anything except mom even if mom tells you exactly where it is.
12. All fruit must be consumed the day it’s bought! And then the next time same fruit has to be untouched so it goes bad.
13. Evidence of all snacks consumed must be left in the couch and on the floor.
14. It is forbidden to bring your dishes to the sink when finished eating.
15. When washing hands, water must be all over the counter and surrounding floor area.
16. Kid: I’m hungry.
Parent: What do you want to eat?
Kid: I don’t know
Parent: We have X,Y,& Z what do you want?
Kid: Nothing

There’s The Teacher

The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s teacher; she’s dead.”

How Do These People Survive?

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

You Haven’t Had That Talk With Him Yet Have You?

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”

“How about transportation?” the father asked.

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied. “We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

Quotes That Prove George Carlin Was Right About Everything

We miss you George, and need you now more then ever.

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

“It’s a big club, and you ain’t in it. You and I are not in the big club. And by the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe.”

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those Little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d Like to see: ‘We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”‘

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death”

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

Perfect Golf Shot

Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing.

Finally, his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,”
Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”

“Get real!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

Supermodel Wisdom

ON DEATH
“Richard doesn’t really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can’t help it.”
– Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
“I haven’t seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven’t seen anything. I don’t really care.”
– Tyra Banks

ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
“When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss.”
– Veronica Webb

ON VENGEANCE
“Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl’s hair.”
– Tasha

ON BATTING
“I’m a pretty girl who’s a model who doesn’t suck as an actress.”
– Cameron Diaz

ON TRAGEDY
“The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles — but I had on thick tights underneath.”
– Naomi Campbell

ON MOTIVATION
“It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would.”
– Kate Moss

ON VERSATILITY
“I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don’t have to speak.”
– Linda Evangelista

Tip Top Shape

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?”

The 60-year-old responded, “Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.”

The doctor couldn’t believe it. So, he asked, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

The 60-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?”

The 60-year-old said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.”

The doctor said, “At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?”

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”

I’m Guessing You Don’t Like Poetry

Well Thank You For Letting Us Know

Good Call

They Should Sell Those In Every Drug Store

Well At Least It Comes With A Pink Liter

So You Won’t Eat If It’s Dad, I Can Fix That

At Least Their Honest About It

I’m Not On Enough Meds To Take This Class

You Know It’s Bad When Even Cops Have To Take On A Second Job

Because We Really Need It