Yes, This Is A Real Song From 1953

Importance Of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where in the world she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

…………..And last but not least,

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Kids Say The Darndest’s Things

My wife walked in the house, slammed her shit down and started ranting about everything imaginable.

Our 9-year-old daughter walks in and said, “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”

I had to step outside, so I didn’t get slapped for laughing.

The Last 10 Things…

Any Woman Would Say
10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I’m tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don’t throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I’m wrong, you must be right again.

Any Man Would Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool moth@rf#cker.
9. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her t!ts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a w@@dy.
4. Sure I’d love to wear a c@nd@m.
3. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Fu(k Monday Night Football, let’s watch the Life Time Network.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

So Sad…For All Of Us

Please, share if you dated, know, work with or are related to (or divorced from) someone who suffers from stupidity. We all need to understand stupidity is real and must be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity, and sympathy does not help.

Sometimes a piece of 2×4 to the back of the head helps, but not a lot. Please help us raise awareness!

AND DO NOT LET THESE PEOPLE VOTE OR RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE!!!

Why Women Are Difficult And Men Are Simple

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds.
At 18, they want handsome men.
At 25, they want mature men.
At 30, they want successful men.
At 40, they want established men.
At 50, they want faithful men.
At 60, they want helpful men.

Men are very simple, they never change their taste, for any changing condition in their lives.
At 18, they like pretty young girls.
At 25, they like pretty young girls.
At 30, they like pretty young girls.
At 40, they like pretty young girls.
At 50, they still like pretty young girls
At 60, they still like pretty young girls.
Even at 70 & 80 when they can barely move, they still like pretty young girls

Dedicated to all Men for their disciplined behavior.

The Drunk Cat In The Hat

I’d like another drink I think
Another drink to make me pink
I think I’ll drink until I stink
I’ll drink until I cannot blink

Or perhaps I’ll have a shot of rye
The rye I spy with my own eye
Some rye to make me fly so high
I think that I can touch the sky

Or maybe I will have some rum
It’s not so dumb to want some rum
I’ll drink and fall upon my bum
Or maybe contemplate my thumb

Some vodka would be very nice
Or wine, or maybe scotch ice
Perhaps Kahlua would entice
I’ll drink it once, I’ll drink it twice

I want some beer to make me cheer
Hurray! Hurrah! A cheer for beer!
I will not stick it in my ear
Hurrah! Hurray! I’m here for beer!

I’ll drink with my friends Jack and Ron
I’ll drink until my liver’s gone
I’ll invite Sam and Bud and you
And Captain Morgan Can come, too

I’m loaded now, I have to go
My brain is working very slow
There’s just one thing I need to know:
Where is the can? I have to go!

You Know You Are Getting Older When…

l. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, and pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
6. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
7. When happy hour is a nap.
8. When you’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
10. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
11. When you step off a curb & look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
12. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
13. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
14. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
15. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
16. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
17. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
18. It takes twice as long, to look half as good.
19. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
20. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on you head the whole time.

Where Has All The Lipstick Gone?

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

1. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
2. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
3. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
4. Put them on hold.
5. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
6. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
7. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
8. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
9. When they give you the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
10. Haggle.
11. Order a one-inch pizza.
12. Order term life insurance.
13. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
14. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
15. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
16. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
17. Engage in some serious swapping.
18. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
19. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
20. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
21. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
22. Order a steamed pizza.
23. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
24. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
25. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
26. Say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”

Would You Do It All Over Again?

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again.

“Sure,” she replied, “but not the same ones.”

And You Thought They Went Too Far With This Stuff Before

Hell Yes I’ll Apply!!!

I’ve Known A Lot Of People Who Need This

Finally! Someone Unplug That Annoying Little B@stard!

I Always Wondered What The Video For That Song Would Look Like

Where Can I Find This Dr.?

Not Spain, New Mexico. Of Course

A Joke That Actually Sold

Hey, Your The One Who Wanted Kids!

Do You Have A Twin Brother Or Is That An Alternate Reality?