Real Men Bake – Funny Cooking Stuff

Grandma's Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
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A Bachelor's Kitchen Guide
ICE CREAM
If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

In the Fridge:
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
On the Shelf:

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable ÒspotsÓ that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.

PRETZELS
Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.

RAISINS
Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.

SALT
It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.

SPICES
Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.

VINEGAR
If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
Expiration Dates:

This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
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Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds

  • Salmon McNella
  • McMenudo
  • Filet o’ Gefilte Fish
  • Way Too Happy Meal
  • Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
  • Them Ain’t Nuggets!
  • McKitty Sandwich
  • Rocky Mountain McOysters
  • McSpleen
  • The Depressed Meal
  • Filet O’ Flesh
  • McShrooms
  • Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

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Food Truths
These days, there’s only five basic food groups…canned, frozen, pizza, fast and carry-outThose guys who fancy themselves gourmets…Really ain’t no more than a glutton in a tux

Did y’all ever notice that there are no recipes at all for leftover lobster?

With all the preservatives in processed food these days…isn’t it comforting to know most of it will outlive you.

About the only good thing I’ve noticed with liver is that you can always get all of it ya want

Did y’all ever eat dinner at a vegetarian’s home?
Hell, I get more nourishment biting my lip

The word “stressed” makes a lot more sense when you consider it’s “desserts” spelled backwards

Never eat anything where the list of ingredients is two columns long

Nowadays, we’re kept alive by half of the foods we eat and killed by the other half

One Chinese restaurant near me had food so bad…The fortune cookies all contained “Get Well” cards

Did ya ever wonder how the guy who developed Cottage Cheese knew when he was finished?

Contrary to popular belief in Ocean City New Jersey…Salt Water Taffy is not really seafood

Never mind marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother…Marry one who makes dough, like her father

Why is it that quarter-ounce of chocolate candy always equals four pounds of fat?

Don’t you believe for a minute that pork is “Fat Free”…You pay the same price for the fat as you do the meat

I could tell it was a “Kiss Off” dinner. The whole time, she looked at me as if I was a side dish she hadn’t ordered
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How To Cook A Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
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Cooking Terms
Tongue:A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Baste: Who’s on first?

Western Omelet: Three eggs…and whatever.

Pan Fried: Much more sensible than “pan baked “.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
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Scary Fortune Cookies

  • We know where you live.
  • You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
  • Everyone’s meal today is on you!
  • The “special sauce” came from the floor!
  • Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
  • Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
  • A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
  • Your dog Spot…he’s no longer missing.
  • See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
  • MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe
  • That wasn’t chicken

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The Fattest (Phatest) New York Street Foods

Food Porn – Do Not Try This At Home

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Jim Gaffigan On Cake

Jewish Weapons Of Mass Destruction

Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out.. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup (sorry Canada). There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time. It’s a GOOD thing.
Matzoh
The Israeli’s revenge for escaping slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water – no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard or Hardieplank. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after. Very soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook.. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that ‘You can’t come to the table without a tie’ or, G-d forbid ‘An elbow on my table?’
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the Germanic war machines: ‘blintzkreig’. Can you imagine the Jerusalem Post ’39 headlines: ‘Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland – shortage of sour cream expected.’ Basically this is the Jewish answer to Crepe Suzette.
Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain’t it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. But the skill is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it simmer for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: ‘What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too? A Jewish American Princess once came up with something original for guests (her first cooking attempt at the age of 25): she made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, an Israeli politician had problems with the filter in his fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. His son (5 years old at the time) looked at them and asked ‘Is that why we call it ‘Ge-filtered Fish’?’ Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish (‘chrain’) which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish defense weapon, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don’t know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn’t get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating smoked salmon or trout on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa! The IDF research lab looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn’t take up too much room on the desert-maneuvers-ration kit. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. It remains an eternal existential discussion topic.

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