|Grandma's Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
A Bachelor's Kitchen Guide
If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.
In the Fridge:
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
THE GAG TEST
This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
These days, there’s only five basic food groups…canned, frozen, pizza, fast and carry-outThose guys who fancy themselves gourmets…Really ain’t no more than a glutton in a tux
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With all the preservatives in processed food these days…isn’t it comforting to know most of it will outlive you.
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Did ya ever wonder how the guy who developed Cottage Cheese knew when he was finished?
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Never mind marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother…Marry one who makes dough, like her father
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I could tell it was a “Kiss Off” dinner. The whole time, she looked at me as if I was a side dish she hadn’t ordered
|How To Cook A Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
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Tongue:A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Baste: Who’s on first?
Western Omelet: Three eggs…and whatever.
Pan Fried: Much more sensible than “pan baked “.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
The Fattest (Phatest) New York Street Foods
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Jim Gaffigan On Cake