Friday Fun Stuff – 4-5-19

Groucho Marx Roasts Johnny Carson


8 Stages of Marathon Running


How Stupid Are They…

1. She’s a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
2. Should be the poster child for family planning.
3. Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
4. So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
5. So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
6. So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
7. So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
8. So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
9. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
10. Some Assembly Required.
11. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
12. Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
13. Your sort of like an inverse Einstein.
14. Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
15. Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
16. Still traumatized from the forest fire in “Bambi”.
17. Stumped by anything child-proof.
18. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
19. Went Surfing in Nebraska.
20. Switch is on, but no one’s receiving.


Little Old Lady In Court

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died Some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him ‘Take me, young man. Take me now! ‘

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!”

And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard


Foreign Product Names And There Less Then Accurate Translations

And they couldn’t understand why no one would buy them in America.

Zit – Greek soft drink
Colon Plus – Spanish detergent
Clean Finger Nail – Chinese tissues
Kolic – Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder – Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine – Chinese chocolates
Libido – Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat – Japanese sport drink
Shocking – Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty – Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi – Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio – Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy – Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans – Netherlands car wax
I’m Dripper – Japanese instant coffee


Rectum Stretcher

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?

To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’

‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.

The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’

‘And just what the fuck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ‘ he asked.

‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’


Actual Science Tests Answers…

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygen and hydrogen. Oxygen is pure gin. Hydrogen is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person’s chest, or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – A, E, I, O, and U.


Muslim In Heaven

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!”

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled “It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence.”

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Mohammad appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, “This is not what you promised me.”

Mohammad replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven.

What did you think I said?”


Hilarious Things To Do In The Library

• Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.
• Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
• Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, “I’m constipated. Hehe.”
• Spell every single word as you read it.
• Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.
• Act like you’re picking your nose. And eating it.
• Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.
• Sneeze a lot.
• Hold your book right next to your eyes.
• Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
• Stand up, and continue reading.
• Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn’t do it.
• Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.
• Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.
• Ask them, got milk??
• Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.
• Fall out of your seat, then say, meant to do that. Then do it again. And again.
• Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.
• Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.
• Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you’re attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.


Foreign Product Names And There Less Then Accurate Translations

And they couldn’t understand why no one would buy them in America.

Zit – Greek soft drink
Colon Plus – Spanish detergent
Clean Finger Nail – Chinese tissues
Kolic – Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder – Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine – Chinese chocolates
Libido – Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat – Japanese sport drink
Shocking – Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty – Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi – Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio – Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy – Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans – Netherlands car wax
I’m Dripper – Japanese instant coffee


More Crazy Things To Do In An Elevator

• Stare at a passenger and announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
• Burp, and then say “Mmmm… tasty!”
• Leave a box between the doors.
• Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
• Start a sing-along.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “Is that your beeper?”
• Play the harmonica.
• Shadow box.
• Say “Ding!” at each floor.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
• Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
• Bring a chair along.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
• Blow spit bubbles.
• Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
• Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
• If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!


The Greatest Lies In Aviation

• I’m from the FAA and I’m here to help you.
• We will be on time, maybe even early.
• Pardon me, ma’am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
• I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
• All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
• I’m a member of the mile high club.
• I only need glasses for reading.
• If we get a little lower I think we’ll see the lights.
• I’m 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.
• We shipped the part yesterday.
• I’d love to have a woman co-pilot.
• We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
• Oh sure, no problem, I’ve got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
• No need to look that up, I’ve got it all memorized.
• Sure I can fly it — it has wings, doesn’t it?
• We’ll be home by lunchtime.
• Your plane will be ready by 2 o’clock.
• I’m always glad to see the FAA.
• I thought YOU took care of that.
• I’ve got the field in sight.
• Of course I know where we are.
• I’m SURE the gear was down.


The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
‘I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work.’ The daughter-in-law answered.
‘But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.
‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.
‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’
‘Justin loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained.
‘Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.’

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked.
‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered, sensually.
‘Needs ironing,’ he said,
‘What’s for dinner?’

And Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing


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