Friday Fun Stuff | Bringing You a Laugh at the End of the Week

If We Treated Teachers Like Pro Athletes – Key & Peele

Steve Martin – Table Cloth Routine (on The Ray Stevens Show, 1970)

New Words

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

A Classic

Three engineers and three accountants are on their way to a conference by train. The accountants all have tickets but the engineers only have one ticket between them. The accountants are all “You’re going to be in trouble” and the engineers are “just watch”. So at the approach of the conductor the engineers all cram into a toilet, the conductor knocks on the door, “Ticket please”, the door opens a crack and the conductor takes the ticket, clips it and returns it.

The accountants watch this with interest. On the return trip the accountants buy just one ticket, the engineers don’t buy any at all. So when the conductor is due, the engineers all cram into a toilet, the accountants cram into the one next door; at which, one of the engineers nips out of the toilet, knocks on the adjacent door and says loudly “Ticket please”…

Ten Classic Resume Bloopers

Know them, so You Won’t Make Them

1. “Revolved customer problems and inquiries.”
Just what every employer is looking for — an expert in passing the buck.

2. “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.”
Sales managers aren’t likely to be impressed with this self-proclaimed underachiever.

3. “Dramatically increased exiting account base, achieving new company record.”
If customer accounts were leaving in droves as this statement implies, it’s probably fair to assume that this candidate also tanked as a top sales producer.

4. “Planned new corporate facility at $3 million over budget.”
Every hiring manager is searching for employees who exceed budgets by millions of dollars.

5. “Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations.”
Either this person is showcasing compulsively stubborn management qualities, or he has a challenging product packaging/storage problem.

6. “Participated in the foamation of a new telecommunications company.”
This job seeker was also in charge of bubble control.

7. “Promoted to district manger to oversee 37 retail storefronts.”
This is a common resume typo. There must be literally thousands of mangers looking for jobs in today’s modern world. Here’s a tip: Use your word-processing program’s find/replace feature to quickly correct this common mistake. You can also modify your application’s spelling dictionary so it won’t recognize the word “manger.”

8. “Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals.”
Many of us have had a boss like this at some point in our careers, but you usually don’t find them being so up-front about their leadership inadequacies.

9. “I am seeking a salary commiserate with my training and experience.”
There are a couple problems with this statement. To begin with, salary requirements don’t belong on a resume. Secondly, a salary should be “commensurate” with experience (meaning proportionate to), not “commiserate” with (meaning to express sympathy for).

10. “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.”
Sounds like a fun job.

Chinese Hotel Brochure

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. It appears to have been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English, by someone who may have spent some time in the bar that day.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

You’re Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

The Top Ways To Annoy A Supermodel

16. Repeatedly ask, “What was your last name again?”

15. Ask her if she’s going to finish that lettuce leaf.

14. Every week, adjust her scale to add an additional pound or two (Wait — that’s the way to “kill” a supermodel).

13. Consistently baffle her with multisyllabic words and compound sentences.

12. Force her to share a runway with a 747.

11. Whoopie Cushion Shoulder Pads.

10. Taunt her with the Pythagorean Theorem and a slice of pizza.

9. Follow her everywhere, mumbling, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”

8. Make her wear that loose-fitting size 2 outfit.

7. Secretly replace her methamphetamines with new “Folgers Crystals Methamphetamines.”

6. Move fashion meccas from New York, Paris, and Milan to Newark, Vladivostok, and Anchorage.

5. Constantly demand a display of her superhuman powers.

4. Tell her that global-warming will eventually lead to the erosion of collagen.

3. Before fixing dinner, ask her if she’d rather throw-up meatloaf or throw-up spaghetti.

2. Keep asking, “Are you the one who’s married to Billy Joel?”

1. Two words: CK wedgies.

Modern Dating App

Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea.

You match with people who are on the same meds as you.

We’ll call it “Relationscripts”.

Top Ten Signs Your Family Is Stressed

10. Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”.
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid’s day-planer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

What Did You Think I Was Thinking?

Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?

Obviously, I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

Yet More Things Not To Say During Sex

1. What tampon?
2. Have you ever considered liposuction?
3. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
4. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
5. I have a confession…
6. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.
7. Are those real or are they supposed to feel all hard and lumpy like that?
8. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
9. Is that a hanging sculpture?
10. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
11. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
12. I really hate women who actually think sex means nothing!
13. Did you come yet, dear?
14. I’ll tell you who I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
15. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.
16. Does this count as a date?
17. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.
18. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
19. I think biting is romantic – don’t you?
20. Q: you can cook, too right?
21. When would you like to meet my parents?
22. A: (whaddaya think I’m doin’?)
23. Man: maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
Woman: yourself?
24. Have you seen “fatal attraction”?
25. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not to good with names.
26. Don’t mind me. I always file my nails in bed.
27. Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? (in a phone booth)
28. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
29. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
30. Sorry but I don’t do toes.
31. Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
32. Long kisses clog my sinuses.
33. Pleases understand that I’m only doing this for a raise.
34. How long do plan to be “almost there”?
35. You mean you’re not my blind date?

Just Ask The Engineer

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are playing eighteen holes at their local course and they find they’re stuck behind a really slow foursome. After taking an hour and a half to get through three holes, they call one of the club stewards over and ask what the hold-up’s all about.

“Well sirs,” says the steward, “these guys are all firefighters, and they were all blinded in a terrible accident at the orphanage while they were rescuing the children from the fire. So the club committee voted to let them play here once a week for free. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, but I’m sure you understand it’s the least the community can do for a bunch of heroes.”

“I’m sure there’s more that could be done,” says the doctor. “There’s all sorts of pioneering work being done just now in restoring sight — I’ll take a look at this and see if anything can be done for them.”

“That’s likely to run into money,” says the lawyer. “Tell you what, I bet these guys aren’t getting all the compensation they’re entitled to. I’ll take that case pro bono.”

And the engineer says, “Since they’re blind, why don’t you just let them play at night?”

He’s Off His Meds