Friday Fun Stuff – 10-13-17

Friday the 13th In Family Guy


Banned McDonald’s Commercial


Advantages Of Being A Woman

1. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
2. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
3. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
4. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
5. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
6. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
7. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
8. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
9. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
10. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
11. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
12. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
13. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
14. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
15. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.


Why Dumb People Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Breed

So I was calling to order a pizza, with the menu in hand, I order a large pizza with ground beef, bacon, and extra cheese and the girl on the phone says “oh I’m sorry we don’t have any ground beef” so I say “but here on the menu it says you have hamburger” and she responds “Oh well we have hamburger!” So I said ok I’ll take the hamburger instead of the ground beef then. She says no problem!
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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.” The next day someone stole it.
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount


Funny Headlines

Odd Newspaper Headlines From Around the World

• Include your children when baking cookies
• Something went wrong in jet crash
• Experts says police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• Safety experts say that school bus passengers should be belted
• Drunk gets nine months in violin case
• Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant
• Two Soviet ships collide, one dies
• Red tape holds up new bridge
• Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
• Kids make nutritious snacks
• Man minus ear waives hearing


Advanced Baby

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor?”, he asked.

“Yes, I am.”

The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”

“Yes, I am,” she said.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born,” he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father?”

“Yes, I am,” his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”


When And When Not To Fart

When not to Fart:
1. In a crowded elevator
2. On a crowded bus
3. In a public library
4. While on a date
5. While giving a speech
6. In church
7. In a crowded classroom
8. In your office when you’re alone – someone’s bound to walk in immediately afterwards
9. In a movie theater
10. In your cubicle at work – again someone’s bound to walk in to visit
11. In a walk-in freezer – it’ll linger a while
12. In an commercial airplane
13. In a ticket line
14. In your car before picking up a family member
15. During confession
16. In bed when you’re feeling frisky
17. In a Cessna
18. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation

When to Fart:
1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip…Make sure it’s a silent one.
2. In a bathroom
3. In a cashier’s line – it might help to speed up things
4. In an empty elevator before you get off
5. Next to an occupied changing room – it may quickly become unoccupied.
6. In someone else’s unoccupied cubicle at work
7. While parachuting
8. While scuba diving
9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested
10. During interrogation if you’re the one being interrogated
11. In your car if you’ve been carjacked
12. In the changing room when you’re sure someone else is waiting their turn.
13. In your car once you’ve been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker.
14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors
15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to blame.


Baffling Viagra Study

In a recent FDA study, the United States government researchers conducted a study on the effects of Viagra. The drug was administered weekly to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.


What’s Your Professional Sign?

Rather than Astrological Signs, how about…..What’s Your Professional Sign?

MARKETING: You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college; concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as ‘marketing without a degree’. You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you begging that you take their money, you prefer to avoid contact with customers so you can ‘concentrate on the big picture’. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are, instead, content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often, even YOU do not understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by Engineers. You can be happy with yourself, your office is full of the latest ‘ergodynamic’ gadgets. However, we are all aware of what is really causing your ‘carpal tunnel syndrome’.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you indicate that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today since you need to get a haircut, have lunch and mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT / MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the remainder of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other ‘Middle Managers’, as everyone in your social circle is a ‘Middle Manager’.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above – Same sign, just a different title.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery and positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children, very few of you asked your parents for a small cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play ‘Customer Service’. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your Manager.

CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your ‘skills’ are in demand and that you could secure a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, ‘HEADHUNTER’: As a ‘person’ that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are either brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems, such as the fax machine, suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER: Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety, and often commit serious crimes while on the job….hence the term ‘GO POSTAL’.


Is Martha Stewart Stalking Your Dog

Top Ten Ways to Tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking Your Dog:

10. There’s potpourri hanging from your pooch’s collar.

9. The dog’s nails have been trimmed with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS…

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.


Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have. ”
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“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.”
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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
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“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
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“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses……except for that gentleman over there.”
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”


How To Deal With Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a Dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced.

So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said: “Where’d you get the shitty Hairdo?


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