Not Funny But Cool – Just Plain Cool

The Jews settled the moon in 2053, just about five years after the end of the Islamic Wars of the 40′s, where the Middle East, and Israel, of course, had been obliterated by nuclear weapons. The two million Jews remaining throughout the rest of the world – less than 100,000 total in all the Islamic countries – banded together and purchased the dark side of the moon, which no other companies or people wished to colonize.Great transports were arranged via the 62,000 mile space elevator and the Space Shuttle and every Jew on Earth – including anyone who claimed any Jewish heritage whatsoever – left to go to a place where no one could blame them for anything.

The Earth rejoiced – happily rid of all Jews. There were huge parties throughout all of Sweden and the rest of Europe, Africa, Asia, South America and North America. (Now known as the Northern Alliance of Islamic States after the United States was taken over peacefully in the elections of 2040 by a predominantly Muslim Congress and President, who immediately passed amendments making Islam the main religion of the United States and the world.)

After the last Jew entered the elevator (a David Goldstein, 62, formerly of New York), the Earth was officially declared Judenrein by Hans Ibn Hitler, a great, great-grandson of Hitler who had been raised in Brazil and hidden by Nazis until this precious moment.

It was not an easy move for the Jews but, in some ways, it was no different from all their moves of previous eras. Some former Israelis (still alive because they were out of Israel when the bombs dropped) claimed that the moon was easier to deal with because there were no Extremist Muslims. Of course, this precipitated a huge argument with some Jews, who felt not having the Radical Muslims nearby was not enough challenge.

Other Jews argued that taming a wilderness with no atmosphere, plant or animal life and freezing temperatures was enough challenge. And yet other Jews argued that arguing was counterproductive. It came as no surprise to anyone that for the two million Jews, there were eventually one million synagogues (with the other million Jews not joining).

It was also no surprise that within just three years, the Jews had created a controlled environment that allowed for fantastic plant and animal growth and production. The transports, which had been called the Arks, had also carried two of each animal and plant (remember, Noah), and through the ingenuity of the Jews and cloning, there were now many new species which sped up production of food (cows with six udders, chickens with four legs and so forth). The population had rapidly increased and, due to the amazing collection of scientific and medical minds, most diseases and even aging had been reduced to nil.

There was even a ministry of communication with Earth, consisting of the remains of Hollywood producers and moviemakers, who sent back to Earth portraits of life on the moon. Of course, it had been decided when the Jews first got to the moon – based on six-thousand-year history of people being jealous of Jewish accomplishment – that all news coverage of the moon’s population would be ‘movie-ized’ to show only horrible things. The film industry, led by Jordan Spielberg, went to great lengths to fabricate news clips to show Jews barely surviving in the harsh lunar habitat. Artists and engineers labored to cover over vast environmental successes with illusionary domes showing massive areas of wasteland – just in case anyone from Earth ever sent a spaceship with cameras to see what was going on.

But no-one ever did, and the years passed rapidly; one decade, then another. bar mitzvahs, weddings, brises, all celebrated under the artificial world that the Jews had created – not only had it not been that bad, but by the end of the century, some Jewish authors were calling the moon colony – Eden 2′.

Of course other Jews disagreed. In fact, much time was spent on disagreeing. There were even contests for arguing but, in general, there was peace. Anyone who threatened the peace was forced to officiate at a contest with people arguing about why that person was wrong. The contests would go on for days (sometimes weeks), until the troublemaker begged for forgiveness. (Many penalties on the moon were similar to this, and were extremely effective.)

Back on Earth, life disintegrated without the Jews. There was a return to Middle Ages thought – only the current religion du jour was valid – all others were kept legislated into poverty until a war erupted and the positions changed for a few years.

Another amazing anomaly appeared when there were no longer any Jews on Earth – anti-Semitism actually increased to monumental proportions! Famous orators explained this simply by saying: ‘I don’t have to have a gun to be afraid of having my brains blown out.’ Additionally, without the presence of the Jew, the world developed incredible evil that had no release. (Previous evil had always focused on the Jews. One Rabbi on the moon actually said G-d spoke to him, and said that He, G-d, was about to destroy the Earth because everyone o n the Earth was evil. The Rabbi begged Him to reconsider, and bargained that if there were 1,000 good people left on Earth, G-d should spare the planet.

G-d then told the Rabbi, ‘Hey, I went through this before with Abraham and Noah, and I already know the answer because I’m G-d.’

People laughed at the Rabbi, but then, one day, while all the lunar citizens were going about their business, an enormous series of explosions was seen on the Earth. Everyone on the moon stared at the distant fireballs that seemed to engulf the blue planet that was once their home.

Although there had been great anger at being forced to leave the Earth, the true spirit of Judaism was always present on the moon, and no one had wished ill on to their former home. As in the tradition of the Seder (when the wine is spilled because the Egyptians perished, and we do not rejoice fully when even an enemy has died) when the Jews saw what was happening, they began to weep and pray, and watch what was to be the final news broadcast from Earth. The horror of the apocalypse was videotaped by cameras until all electricity was ionized by the new electron bombs. Entire countries were wiped away in the blink of an ion exploding. And then came the final transmission from the nation that had started the entire mess – it was a desperate headline screamed by a hundred dying newscasters. Their rant continued until it was just blackness. What were they saying? As the Jews watched, some gasped, others cried, and a few even laughed. For the last words of the disappearing civilization was a condemnation. ‘The Jews have caused all our problems – they left us here to face the mess they made. If the Jews hadn’t taken all the best scientists and engineers, we could have defeated our enemies. Our enemies are the Jews! Kill all the Jews.’

It took a little while, but the electronics experts pieced together what had happened on Earth during its last days. Anti-Semitism, which had grown stronger and stronger since the Jews had left, had reached its pinnacle, and all the countries of the world had decided to launch a massive attack on the moon. The attack had been coordinated by the United Nations and, although all the missiles had been launched properly, there was some sort of glitch in the targeting system, resulting in all the weapons colliding in the upper atmosphere and showering the Earth with a deadly rain of nuclear fire, electronic destruction, and a generally bad day. The mistake triggered the military response of all the nations (who all had nuclear weapons by then – plus a few other horrid toys), and the result was truly an Armageddon.

The Jews on the moon went into a period of deep mourning. The Orthodox rent their clothing and there were mass counseling sessions. And then, about one week after the BIG DAY, as it was now called, a presence was detected heading towards the moon. Had one of the missiles escaped? Were the Jews doomed after all? The leaders checked with the defense experts – no this was not a missile, it was an old-style spacecraft, like the ones used in the early seventies. As it approached, the laser defense was trained on the craft. Debates raged as to whether the craft should be destroyed or allowed to get close enough to communicate with.

A message from the ship came just in time. It said, ‘We are the last representatives from Earth – two from each country and we come in peace.’ Some Jews rejoiced that there were survivors, others demanded isolation or death of the approaching group.

The Rabbi who had had the vision of earth’s destruction told the leaders that G-d wanted them to have a chance, so they were allowed to circle the moon. When told they could have a section of land to themselves to farm and repopulate, the Earthlings were upset. They told the Jews that they should be allowed to live with the Jews and have all the same privileges – because, after all, in Judaism, the stranger is given the same rights and privileges as the citizen.

Upon hearing this, the leaders went to the Rabbi with the visions, and he offered to guide the visitors to their new home. The leaders allowed him to g ive the instructions for landing. Of course, not trusting the Rabbi, the commander of the ship didn’t listen to his advice, and instead crashed into a lunar crater.

And so we have the final days of the history of the planet Earth, which have been generously shared with us by the Jewish colony of the 453rd Solar System of the M Galaxy. Although the Earth is currently uninhabitable, the head engineer of the Jewish colony on Mars tells us that Venus will be fully colonized by the year 2120, and with continuous replanting, Earth will once again be ready for Jews returning from other planets in the year 2136.

An interesting side note – inside the wreckage of the rocket with the survivors from Earth was a specially-marked package that had survived which included the following words: ‘Once there was a great planet named Earth. And there were many peoples on this planet, and they all existed peacefully with each other, except for the Jews. Wherever there were Jews, there was trouble. Jews brought dirt and death and hatred and strife. They were finally banished from our planet, only to take with them many great inventors and scientists and doctors, leaving Earth with nothing. We have decided to destroy the remnants of the Jews, and since the first attempt failed, we are the last chance for Earth. Whoever shall find this will know the truth – It was all the Jews’ fault.’

This panel has been saved and is on display at the Earth Memorial Museum at Rivka Crater, NW, for all travelers who wish to see the remains of a civilization that did not understand the words – ‘He who blesses the Jews, is himself blessed. He who curses the Jews, is himself cursed.’

Shalom
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1 Astronaut
Since manned spaceflight began in 1961, 24 US astronauts have died in astro-action — 10 during launch, six during training flights, and seven on reentry. In 1971, three Soviet cosmonauts suffocated when a malfunction caused the oxygen to leak out of their ship. Then there’s that whole riding-an- explosion-into-space thing. And we haven’t even found aliens yet.2 Biosafety Level 4 Lab Researcher
BSL-4 labs handle the deadliest diseases on Earth. In 2004, a Russian scientist died after accidentally sticking herself with an Ebola-laced needle. The death occurred only months after a US scientist at the Army’s BSL-4 lab at Fort Detrick in Maryland made the same mistake… and survived.3 Hurricane Hunter
The Air Force’s 53rd Weather Reconnaissance Squadron crew members are the daredevils of meteorology. They fly WC-130s into a hurricane’s eye wall, 10,000 feet up, to locate the storm’s pressure center and measure its wind speed. Not surprisingly, some get a little turned around. Even on the ground, they’re not safe — Hurricane Katrina destroyed the squad’s home base.4 Doctors Without Borders Mobile Lab Tech
Testing blood for sleeping sickness — an infectious disease transmitted by flies that causes brain swelling, heart failure, insomnia, and an uncontrollable urge to sleep — is dangerous enough. Now just imagine doing it at an outdoor mobile lab in the middle of the ongoing genocide in Sudan’s Darfur region.5 Propulsion Engineer
Turns out, the people who ground-test rocket engines don’t actually worry about explosions. When you work with cryogenic oxygen and gases pressurized up to 300 psi, you’re far too busy worrying about “cold burns” and other trauma to really give proper consideration to what might happen should one of the buggers completely ignite.6 Grad Student
Even the most mundane job in science is hazardous if you don’t know what you’re doing. Grad students in labs around the world are in constant danger of, well, screwing up. In 2004, a Texas A&M student, for example, was cleaning up a laboratory when a jar of chemicals he was handling suddenly exploded, leaving him with severe lacerations and burns.

7 Volcanologist
Active volcanoes blow enough ash to bury a city the size of, oh, Pompeii. No wonder many volcanologists don’t come back from their helicopter visits to hell. In 1991, three were killed by Japan’s Mount Unzen. In 2001, one died after falling off a 985-foot-high caldera rim, and in 2005, four Filipino researchers died in a chopper crash while inspecting landslide areas.

8 Biologist
Animal research can lead to more than an allergic reaction. Being bitten, scratched, or exposed to “secretions” can be deadly. For example, at least 70 percent of captive adult macaque monkeys are infected with herpes B. In 1997, a 22-year-old researcher died after contracting the virus from some “biologic” monkey material that got in her eye.
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This month we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intended but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student – but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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In 1942, when computers were human and women were underestimated, a group of female mathematicians helped win a war and usher in the modern computer age. Sixty-five years later their story has finally been told through LeAnn Erickson’s documentary Top Secret Rosies.In early December 1941, Betty Jean Jennings was a freshman completing her first semester at a rural Missouri college. In Philadelphia, Doris and Shirley Blumberg were seniors at Girl’s High and Marlyn Wescoff was completing a minor in business machines at Temple University. In an era of limited career opportunities for women, these bright students anticipated low paying careers as schoolteachers or bookkeepers. But on Sunday, December 7, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and changed these young women’s lives forever. With Pearl Harbor suddenly drawing the US in to WWII, the Army launched a frantic national search for women mathematicians.

The women of Top Secret Rosies were plucked from high schools and colleges to work at the University of Pennsylvania in the 1940s. They moved into dorms and apartments and went through a rigorous introduction to ballistics calculations in order to do the job. It paid well, and the women were close. They played bridge, shared dinners and danced together in the university gardens when the war in Europe ended.

Still, they struggled with the knowledge that their calculations — so precise they measured whether an enemy soldier was standing up or lying in a trench — were used at war.

Top Secret Rosies Trailer from LeAnn Erickson on Vimeo.

“‘It is hard to overstate the significance of the contribution of these women to the Allied victory in World War II, a fact that few people are aware of.”
–MAA Review

“These women were given scanty credit for their achievements and shared a single certificate of commendation. In fact, they later learned that when they demonstrated how ENIAC worked, the military officers in attendance thought they were just models brought in to make the [computer] look good. ”
–Aberdeen Patch
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His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby! bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

“I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.”

“No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.

“Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.

“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.

“I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.” And that he did.

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

What goes around comes around.
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by Tami Larsen
If you were born between 1967 and 1977 (give or take a year or two), you will certainly enjoy this as much as I did. Don’t skip a line, read this when you have time to take it all in.
I am a child of the 70′s and 80′s. That is what I prefer to be called. The 90′s can do without me. Grunge isn’t here to stay, fashion is fickle and “Generation X” is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer.
• When I got home from school, I played Atari 2600.• I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge’em Cars or Frogger.• I never did beat Asteroids.• Then I watched “Scooby Doo.” Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of the mystery machine. I hated Scrappy.• I would sleep over at friends’ houses on the weekends.• We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons.

• We never beat Rubik’s cube, unless you count taking off the stickers.

• I got upon Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like “Captain Caveman” and “SpaceGhost”. In between I would watch “School House Rock” (“Conjunction junction, what’s your function?!”)

• On Friday Night Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut?

• Did your dad turn from mild-mannered Bill Bixby into “The Incredible Hulk” when he got upset?

• At the movies the Nerds got revenge on the AlphaBetas by teaming up with the Omega Mu’s.

• I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, “No, there is another.”

• My family took summer vacations to South Florida and collected “Muppet Movie” glasses along the way. (We had the whole set)

• I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane.

• I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold and green. I was a “Wild Boy” Duran Duran. MTV played MUSIC videos. Nickelodeon played “You can’t Do That On Television” and “Dangermouse”

• Does anyone remember the “Banana Splits”?

• I drank Dr. Pepper. “I’m a Pepper, you’re a Pepper, wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too?” Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange Juice wasn’t just for breakfast anymore.

• My Mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunchbox and filled my Snoopy Thermos with Grape Kool-Aid. I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs.

• I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday.

• Some weird guy from the 8th grade always won the science fair with the working hydroelectric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants.

• Field day was bigger than Christmas, but it always seemed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable.

• Rubber band fights were cool.

• A substitute teacher was a marked woman. Nobody deserved that.

• I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don’t remember ever doing anything.

• The world stopped when the Challenger exploded.

• Half of your friend’s parents got divorced.

• People did not just say “no” to drugs.

• AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer.

• Somebody in your school died before they graduated.

• We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crew cuts with safety scissors that never really cut.

• Big wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city.

• Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke. And the kitchen table and that old sheet, dark enough to be a tent in the forest.

• Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed.

• With your pink portable tape player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson’s.

• Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why.

• We recite lines with Ghostbusters and still look to the Goonies for a great adventure.

• We flip through T.V. stations and stop at the A-Team and Knight Rider and Fame, and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and “What you talkin’ bout Willis?”

• We hold strong affections for The Muppets and why did they take the Smurfs off of the air?

• After school specials were about cigarettes and step families.

• The Polka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren’t the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated?

• We are the ones who read Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Cleary, and Judy Blume.

• Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn’t break and friendship pins went on shoes preferably hightop velcro Reebok. And pegged jeans were in, as were unit belts and layered socks and jean jackets and JAMS and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails.

• Rave was a girl’s best friend; braces with colored rubber bands made you rad.

• The back door was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids. You never drank the New Coke.

• Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours:

• All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron

• The Sit’n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop

• Pogoballs were dangerous weapons

• Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone

• In your underoos you were Wonder Woman, Spider Man, or Robin

• In your tree house you were king.

• Star Wars was not only a movie.

• Did you ever play in a bomb shelter?

• We didn’t start the fire Billy Joel.

• We had neighborhoods where in the day we could play kick-the-can, “guns” and all of the things that made us grow up.

• There was always that one field” that could be used for either baseball, football, homerun derby, or just a place to hang out. That was my field of dreams Mr. Costner.

• At night we would play flashlight tag. Just like we could trick-or-treat at night without the fear of being shot and killed.

• Our guns had caps or “lasers”. If we didn’t have the Jessie James guns we could just get a rock and smash the caps on the ground!

• We loved those orange race tracks…that was until our mother realized she could smack us with them.

• We too collected football and baseball cards but it was because we wanted to be the first in the neighborhood to have the “complete” set.

• In our neighborhoods we played with He-man and Skelator.

• Going to get a Happy Meal on Saturday with Dad or Mom was worth waiting the other six days of the week.

• How many people melted their army figures that were given to them by their parents?

• Was Green Latern the Coolest Super Hero or Aquaman? “Wonder twin powers activate!”

• How’s about coming home at night and separating your Halloween candy into: The cool stuff, the homemade stuff, and the pennies… how’s about the candy that came in that awful orange and black wax paper? Did you ever try it?

• Do you remember the one house that had a sign in the candy bowl that said, “Take One”. How many did you take if you liked it?

• Were you desperate one year and as a teenager you trick-or-treated?

• Our generation had character and heart. We played with real baseballs and “Putt Putt” for the fun-of-it.”

• “Hey, my Mom will take us if your Mom picks up!”

• Could you ever really beat Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?

• Did you have sliced oranges or grapes for your half-time treat? How about the hot dog and coke after each football and baseball games? Star Crunches? Whippy Dip? Twinkies? Ho-ho’s?

• No, we are the furthest thing from a lost generation. Does — going to arcades on Saturday, getting car pooled to football with your best friend, eating fruit roll-ups, having birthday parties at McDonalds or Chuck E Cheeses pizza or Noble Romans where you could make your own pizza — express you are lost?
This is what WE are all about! When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are the children of the “80′s”. That is what I prefer they call us. We are not the first “lost generation” nor today’s lost generation.
In fact, we think we know just where we stand – or are discovering it as we speak. So if you are reading this and it ALL hits home then you do indeed have a heritage or a generation. This is what makes us the most unique generation of all.
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This is a bit different, there are numerals for letters; yet, the mind reads it.
Let’s see how many lines you’d go before you get the hang of it and start really reading. Try it!
7H15   M3554G3   53RV35   7O   PR0V3   H0W   0UR   M1ND5   C4N   D0   4M4Z1NG   7H1NG5!   1MPR3551V3   7H1NG5!   1N   7H3   B3G1NN1NG   17   WA5   H4RD   BU7   N0W,   0N   7H15   LIN3   Y0UR   M1ND   1S   R34D1NG   17   4U70M471C4LLY   W17H   0U7   3V3N   7H1NK1NG   4B0U7   17,   B3   PROUD!   0NLY   C3R741N   P30PL3   C4N   R3AD   7H15.
PL3453   F0RW4RD   1F   U   C4N   R34D   7H13
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Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says ‘I love New York ‘ in Arabic. You gotta love Robin Williams……..Even if he’s nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams’ plan. (Hard to argue with this logic!) ‘I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here’s one plan.’ 1) ‘The US, UK, CANADA and AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ‘ole’ boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again. 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them. 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 5) No foreign ‘students’ over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ and it’s back home baby. 6) The US, UK, CANADA and AUSTRALIA will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 8 ) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not ‘interfere.’ They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us ‘Ugly Americans’ any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH…learn it…or LEAVE. Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan? ‘The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ‘you want a piece of me?’ ‘

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The Sea Shadow, a 164-foot ship built during the Cold War and capable of evading radar, is being sold to the highest bidder after Navy efforts to donate it to a museum failed.

May 2, 2012 For sale: An exotic, once top-secret radar-evading ship, dubbed the Sea Shadow, that was built by one of the world’s largest defense contractors during the height of the Cold War. Specifications: about 68 feet wide, 164 feet long and around 563 tons. Price: $139,200 or best offer. If interested, please contact the General Services Administration at its website: gsaauctions.gov. That’s the sales pitch from the U.S. Navy, which — after five years of trying and failing to donate the stealthy Sea Shadow to a museum — is now selling the ship for scrap metal in an online auction. All bids must be in at 3 p.m. Pacific time Friday. But there’s a catch. To win the auction, the successful bidder must agree to dismantle and scrap the Sea Shadow within six months — and not keep it for a Sunday sail. Perhaps that’s why as of Wednesday afternoon, there were only 10 bids made — the highest being $139,100. The sinister-looking ship, which when viewed straight on looks like Darth Vader’s menacing black mask, was designed by Lockheed Corp. at its famed Skunk Works facility in Burbank to baffle enemy radars as it slithered through the seas on night missions. The Navy, which took delivery of the vessel in 1985, is ready to let it go. “It is not cost effective for the Navy to maintain the ship in an inactive condition any longer, and the ship no longer serves any operational or research purpose,” said Navy spokesman Christopher Johnson. “Our only disposition option is dismantling and recycling.” First designed by Skunk Works engineers, the Sea Shadow was built inside a massive barge in Redwood City, Calif., so it wouldn’t be exposed to orbiting Soviet spy satellites. The vessel was built under tight secrecy through the combined efforts of Lockheed, the Navy and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA. The Sea Shadow cost about $50 million to build, and the total cost of the program over 10 years was about $195 million, according to GlobalSecurity.org, a website for military policy research. It was never intended for combat, so it was never designated as “USS,” the Navy said. Rather, the Sea Shadow was an experimental ship to test military hardware. “It was an important proving ground for technologies in automated ship control, advanced structures, crew reduction, sea keeping and stealth,” said Melissa Dalton, spokeswoman forLockheed Martin Corp.” Sea Shadow’s angular hull — reminiscent of Lockheed Martin’s F-117 fighter jet — demonstrated that ships could reduce their radar signatures.” The Sea Shadow’s strange shape deflects radar waves in various directions. The angled sides also help the ship remain stable in very rough water, which is key because the Sea Shadow sits in the water like a catamaran and doesn’t have traditional rudders to steer it. Diesel-electric engines attached to the submerged twin hulls help control steering. The vessel doesn’t have much room for a large crew. It had only 12 bunks, one microwave oven, a refrigerator and a table. The Navy said that most of the people involved with the ship have long since retired and details on the ship’s operational history remain classified. A few details were revealed by Ben Rich in his book “Skunk Works.” As former head of the Lockheed facility, he disclosed that in order to test the ship, Lockheed and the Navy cocooned the ship in the barge and tugged it at night down to Long Beach, where it was tested offshore. During tests, the Navy would open the barge and allow the Sea Shadow to creep into the open sea, Rich wrote. Then a fleet of submarine-hunting airplanes would zoom overhead and send down radar waves in an effort to detect the ship. “On a typical night of testing, the Navy sub-hunter planes made 57 passes at us and detected the ship only twice,” he wrote. “A typical warship was a very high reflector of radar — a radar profile equal to about fifty barns. Our frigate would show up a hell of a lot smaller than a dinghy.” After years of being hidden from public view, the ship was put on display for the first time in 1993 and moved around various naval bases. In 2006, the Sea Shadow was removed from service and relocated to Suisun Bay near the San Francisco Bay Area town of Benicia. For years, the government tried to find a home in a museum but was unsuccessful. “I am amazed that it’s up for auction and a museum didn’t take it,” said Sherm Mullin, retired head of Lockheed’s Skunk Works. “But when I stop to think about it for about 10 microseconds, it becomes apparent to me that ships are difficult to take care of — a lot more difficult than airplanes.” For now, the Sea Shadow, along with its massive barge built by reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes’ Hughes Mining Corp., awaits Friday’s online auction deadline to determine its fate.

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From the Sand Pit, it’s freezing here. I’m sitting on hard, cold dirt between rocks and shrubs at the base of the Hindu Kush Mountains, along the Dar ‘yoi Pomir River , watching a hole that leads to a tunnel that leads to a cave. Stake out, my friend, and no pizza delivery for thousands of miles.

I also glance at the area around my ass every ten to fifteen seconds to avoid another scorpion sting. I’ve actually given up battling the chiggers and sand fleas, but the scorpions give a jolt like a cattle prod. Hurts like a bastard. The antidote tastes like transmission fluid, but God bless the Marine Corps for the five vials of it in my pack.

The one truth the Taliban cannot escape is that, believe it or not, they are human beings, which means they have to eat food and drink water. That requires couriers and that’s where an old bounty hunter like me comes in handy. I track the couriers, locate the tunnel entrances and storage facilities, type the info into the handheld, shoot the coordinates up to the satellite link that tells the air commanders where to drop the hardware. We bash some heads for a while, then I track and record the new movement.

It’s all about intelligence. We haven’t even brought in the snipers yet. These scurrying rats have no idea what they’re in for. We are but days away from cutting off supply lines and allowing the eradication to begin.

I dream of bin Laden waking up to find me standing over him with my boot on his throat as I spit into his face and plunge my nickel-plated Bowie knife through his frontal lobe. But you know me, I’m a romantic. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This country blows, man. It’s not even a country. There are no roads, there’s no infrastructure, there’s no government. This is an inhospitable, rock pit, shit hole, ruled by eleventh century warring tribes. There are no jobs here like we know jobs.

Afghanistan offers two ways for a man to support his family: join the opium trade or join the army. That’s it. Those are your options.
Oh, I forgot, you can also live in a refugee camp and eat plum-sweetened, crushed beetle paste and squirt mud like a goose with stomach flu, if that’s your idea of a party. But the smell alone of those ‘tent cities of the walking dead’ is enough to hurl you into the poppy fields to cheerfully scrape bulbs for eighteen hours a day.

I’ve been living with these Tajiks and Uzbeks, and Turkmen and even a couple of Pushtuns, for over a month-and-a-half now, and this much I can say for sure: These guys, all of ‘em, are Huns…actual, living Huns. They LIVE to fight. It’s what they do. It’s ALL they do.
They have no respect for anything, not for their families, nor for each other, nor for themselves. They claw at one another as a way of life. They play polo with dead calves and force their five-year-old sons into human cockfights to defend the family honor. Huns, roaming packs of savage, heartless beasts who feed on each other’s barbarism.
Cavemen with AK-47′s. Then again, maybe I’m just cranky.

I’m freezing my ass off on this stupid hill because my lap warmer is running out of juice, and I can’t recharge it until the sun comes up in a few hours. Oh yeah! You like to write letters, right? Do me a favor, Bizarre. Write a letter to CNN and tell Wolf and Anderson and that awful, sneering, pompous Aaron Brown to stop calling the Taliban ‘smart.’ They are not smart. I suggest CNN invest in a dictionary because the word they are looking for is ‘cunning.’ The Taliban are cunning, like jackals and hyenas and wolverines. They are sneaky and ruthless, and when confronted, cowardly. They are hateful, malevolent parasites who create nothing and destroy everything else. Smart. Pfft.
Yeah, they’re real smart.

They’ve spent their entire lives reading only one book (and not a very good one, as books go) and consider hygiene and indoor plumbing to be products of the devil. They’re still figuring out how to work a Bic lighter. Talking to a Taliban warrior about improving his quality of life is like trying to teach an ape how to hold a pen; eventually he just gets frustrated and sticks you in the eye with it.

OK, enough. Snuffle will be up soon, so I have to get back to my hole. Covering my tracks in the snow takes a lot of practice, but I’m good at it. Please, I tell you and my fellow Americans to turn off the TV sets and move on with your lives The story line you are getting from CNN and other news agencies is utter bullshit and designed not to deliver truth, but rather to keep you glued to the screen through the commercials. We’ve got this one under control.
The worst thing you guys can do right now is sit around analyzing what we’re doing over here, because you have no idea what we’re doing, and really, you don’t want to know. We are your military, and we are doing what you sent us here to do.

Saucy Jack

Recon Marine in Afghanistan

Semper Fi

“Freedom is not free…but the U.S. Marine Corps will pay most of your share”.
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