George Carlin 1937 – 2008
I had the honor of seeing George Carlin in one of his last performances at the Orleans Hotel in Las Vegas on June 14th.
No one in the audience could have guessed that he would be dead in a week. From the first minute on stage he had people in the audience laughing so hard they could hardly breathe. He even tested out some new material that was going into his 15th HBO special. It will be one of my greatest regrets that I didn’t video tape it.
Even if we had the talent I doubt that many of us would have the strength and drive at the age of 71 to still be writing new material and touring around the country to sell out theaters.
I know George was a devout atheist but just in case he was wrong I know that along with the other godfathers of modern comedy (Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor) he’s making God laugh so hard the sacramental wine is coming out his nose.
We’ll miss you George ;~)
Quotes From George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we’re better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about coming home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen, ’cause chickens are decent people.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
“Why isn’t prostitution legal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. So why shouldn’t selling fucking be legal? I can’t follow the logic in that. Why is illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?”
George Carlin Quote on the duty of being a comedian
“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
He was THE advocate of the first amendment, over a course of nearly 50 years, this man never compromised his beliefs, never gave in, never gave a rats ass about whether or not he offended someone, and he never stopped reminding us not to listen to bullshit. The last person to ever be arrested for “obscenity” was a comedian by the name of Lenny Bruce, in 1961 at a show in San Francisco, as he was being arrested a cop asked a kid in the crowd for some ID, the kid refused, saying he had the constitutional right not to give any, he was promptly arrested and put in the same squad car as Lenny Bruce. That kid was a young George Carlin.
This addition of Friday Fun Stuff wouldn’t be complete without Georges “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television”
“Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, & Tits”
— George Carlin