Jokes – Work #3

Signs You Don't Have Enough To Do At Work
• You find yourself looking forward to your next random drug test
• You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
• You pick up the phone to make sure it’s working
• You find yourself actually hoping for some e-mail about anything
• You’ve actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that island
• You read the Bulletin Board looking for “Break-Thru” teams to join
• People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling
• You back up your hard drive, daily
• All pencils, pens and markers are arranged according to height and color
• You check the supply closet to see what new stuff has come in
• You have already checked out all of the New and What’s Hot sites on the Net
• Calendar item: Tuesday 8:00am — Discuss Soap Opera at the water cooler
• You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces image of Elvis
• You see how many Pepsi’s you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs
• You’re actually half-way thru reading this month’s “Total Quality Newsletter”
• The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry on your desk
• You no longer photocopy your butt — you scan it and enhance it with PhotoShop
• You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarves
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Manager's Journal: The Dilbert Principle
By Scott Adams
I use a lot of “bad boss” themes in my syndicated cartoon strip, “Dilbert.” I’ll never run out of material. I get a hundred e-mail messages a day, mostly from people who are complaining about their own clueless managers. Here are some of my favorite stories, all allegedly true:
    • A vice president insists that the company’s new battery-powered product be equipped with a light that comes on to tell you when the power is off.
    • An employee suggests setting priorities so they’ll know how to apply their limited resources. The manager’s response: “Why can’t we concentrate our resources across the board?”
    • A manager wants to find and fix software bugs more quickly. He offers an incentive plan: $20 for each bug the Quality Assurance people find and $20 for each bug the programmers fix. (These are the same programmers who create the bugs.) Result: An underground economy in “bugs” springs up instantly. The plan is rethought after one employee nets $1,700 the first week.

Stories like these prompted me to do the first annual Dilbert Survey to find out what management practices were most annoying to employees. The choices included the usual suspects: Quality, Empowerment, Re-engineering and the like. But the number-one vote-getter on this highly unscientific survey was “Idiots Promoted to Management.”

This seemed like a subtle change from the old concept where capable workers were promoted until they reached their level of incompetence — the Peter Principle. Now, apparently, the incompetent workers are promoted directly to management without ever passing through the temporary competence stage.

When I entered the workforce in 1979, the Peter Principle described management pretty well. Now I think we’d all like to return to those Golden Years when you had a boss who was once good at something. I get all nostalgic when I think about it. Back then, we all had hopes of being promoted beyond our levels of competence. Every worker had a shot at someday personally navigating the company into the tar pits while reaping large bonuses and stock options. It was a time when inflation meant everybody got an annual raise; a time when we freely admitted that the customer didn’t matter. It was a time of joy.

We didn’t appreciate it then, but the Peter Principle always provided us with a boss who understood what we did for a living. Granted, he made consistently bad decisions — after all, he had no management skills. But at least they were the informed decisions of a seasoned veteran from the trenches.

Boss: “When I had your job I could drive a three-inch rod through a metal casing with one motion. If you’re late again I’ll do the same thing to your head.”
Lately, however, the Peter Principle has given way to the Dilbert Principle. The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. This has not proved to be the winning strategy that you might think.

Maybe we should learn something from nature. In the wild, the weakest moose is hunted down and killed by Dingo dogs, thus ensuring survival of the fittest. This is a harsh system — especially for the Dingo dogs that have to fly all the way from Australia. But nature’s process is a good one; everybody agrees, except perhaps for the Dingo dogs and the moose in question…and the flight attendants. But the point is that we’d all be better off if the least competent managers were being eaten by Dingo dogs instead of writing mission statements.

It seems as if we’ve turned nature’s rules upside down. We systematically identify and promote the people who have the least skills. The usual business rationalization for promoting idiots (the Dilbert Principle in a nutshell) is something along the lines of “Well, he can’t write code, he can’t design a network, and he doesn’t have any sales skill. But he has very good hair…”

If nature started organizing itself like a modern business, you’d see, for example, a band of mountain gorillas led by an “alpha” squirrel. And it wouldn’t be the most skilled squirrel; it would be the squirrel nobody wanted to hang around with.

I can see the other squirrels gathered around an old stump saying stuff like “If I hear him say `I like nuts’ one more time, I’m going to kill him.” The gorillas, overhearing this conversation, lumber down from the mist and promote the unpopular squirrel. The remaining squirrels are assigned to Quality Teams as punishment.

You may be wondering if you fit the description of a Dilbert Principle manager. Here’s a little test:
    1. Do you believe that anything you don’t understand must be easy to do?
    2. Do you feel the need to explain in great detail why “profit” is the difference between income and expense?
    3. Do you think employees should schedule funerals only during holidays?
    4. Are the following words a form of communication or gibberish:
“The Business Services Leadership Team will enhance the organization in order to continue on the journey toward a Market Facing Organization (MFO) model. To that end, we are consolidating the Object Management for Business Services into a cross strata team.”
    5. When people stare at you in disbelief, do you repeat what you just said, only louder and slower?

Now give yourself one point for each question you answered with the letter “B.” If your score is greater than zero, congratulations — there are stock options in your future.

(The language in number 4 is from an actual company memo.)
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New Virus
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I’m headed for the bar anyway . . . it never hurts to be safe.
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Prison Or Work?
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
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Reasons Alcohol Should Be Allowed At Work:
1) It’s an incentive to show up.
2) It reduces stress.
3) It leads to more honest communications.
4) It reduces complaints about low pay.
5) It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6) Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7) It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8) It encourages carpooling.
9) Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10) It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11) It makes fellow employees look better.
12) It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13) Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14) Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15) Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16) Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17) It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18) Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19) Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20) Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21) The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
22) Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
23) Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
24) Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
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Meetings Explained
There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it’s Monday. You’ll get used to it. You’d better, because this kind account for
83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way “Show and Tell” does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.

When it’s your turn, you should say that you’re still working on whatever it is you’re supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you’d be working on whatever you’re supposed to be working on, and even if you weren’t, you’d claim you were, but that’s the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, “Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand.” You’d be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it’s how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is.

Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you’re a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: “Norm?” Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your “input” on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you’ll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, “You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope.”

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this:
(picture of doodled rectangles).

If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, “Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you’ve given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you’re getting yourself into.” Then they should file quietly out of the room.
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Rules For The Boss
1. Don’t ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it’s going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you’re going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t specify which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be the topic of conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, just save them until the job is almost done. There’s no use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Only be nice to me when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s refreshing to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check your received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating, without a cost of living increase. I’m not really here for the money anyhow.
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You Know You Work In Modern Corporate America If...
1) Your resume is on a USB drive on your key chain.
2) You get really excited about a 3% pay raise.
3) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
4) You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
5) You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
6) It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
7) Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
8) “Communication” is something your group is having problems with.
9) You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
10) Free food left over from meetings is on your mind to bring home at the end of your shift.
11) Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
12) Art involves a white board.
13) You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
14) Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.
15) Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
16) Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.”
17) You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
18) When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone with your company’s name
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Real Life 'Dilbert-Type' Managers
“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
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Mid-Level Manager Translator
“That’s very interesting “:
I disagree

“I don’t disagree “:
I disagree

“I don’t totally disagree with you “:
You may be right, but I don’t care

“You have to show some flexibility “:
You have to do it whether you want to or not

“We have an opportunity here “:
You have a problem

“You have obviously put a lot of work into this “:
I can’t believe you wasted all that time on this piece of crap

“You certainly have an eye for detail “:
I’ve seen nit-pickers before, but you…

“Let’s sit on your concept for a while “:
Where’s the damn recycling bin?

“Help me to understand here “:
I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about (and) I don’t think you do either

“In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to worry with this “:
Just get on it and get it out of here

“You need to see the big picture “:
The big boss thinks this is a good idea

“I just can’t grasp the team’s goal here “:
We don’t understand a damn thing about Total Quality

“I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal “:
One person couldn’t possibly come up with something this stupid

“I’m afraid the decisions been made far above our level “:
Just do this and shut the hell up

“If you have any further thoughts on this, please get back to me”:
Get out of here and leave me alone

“I appreciate your contribution “:
Just wait until your next performance rating clown

“We’ve got to follow some strict guidelines here “:
We’re going to do this my way

“I didn’t understand your e-mail. Can you give me a quick summary? “:
I still can’t figure out how to use e-mail

“The cost of ownership has become a significant issue “:
We want all of the benefits and none of the costs

“We have to maximize our resources “:
You’re working weekends until further notice

“Your project is on hold for a while “:
At least until after you retire

“That’s not quite the solution I came up with “:
You didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear

“You need to be more proactive “:
You should have protected me from myself

“I’d like your buy-in on this “:
I want someone else to blame if this thing bombs

“We want you to be the lead on this project “:
I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes

“We need to syndicate this decision “:
We need to spread the blame if this turkey backfires

“We have to put on our marketing hats “:
We have to put ethics aside

“This strikes me as a bit impractical “:
I don’t know how to do it

“I’m glad you asked me that “:
Damn, this clown’s smarter than I gave him credit for

“There are larger issues at stake “:
I’ve made up my mind so don’t confuse me with facts

“I’d never lie to you “:
It’s just that the truth changes frequently

“Our entire organization going through a paradigm shift “:
We have no idea what we’ve been doing wrong, but now we’re going to try something different and see if that works

“Value-added “:

“The upcoming changes will benefit the vast majority of employees “:
The upcoming changes will benefit me
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Reasons To Stay At Work All Night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone’s password to “chrysanthemum”.
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss’s desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out “what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art”.
6. Go into the other gender’s bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO’s voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
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Mistakes On A Resume
These are from actual resumes:

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”


“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”


“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”


“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”


“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”


“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”


“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”


“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”


“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”
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One Day Off
Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re shorthanded, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”
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New Company Policies
All Employees Must Read

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the job going in your absence.

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing, both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Gross pay $1,212.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.91
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.24
Tic-Tacs $2.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $1.98
Stadium tax $2.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $7.00
FICA $81.88
TGIF Fund $9.95
Life insurance $7.85
Health insurance $17.23
Dental insurance $5.50
Mental insurance $5.33
Disability $3.50
Ability $1.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $16.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $1.32
Desk rental $14.32
Union dues $25.85
Union don’ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $28.13
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $14.09
Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week,

Your Boss
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Performance Evaluation Translations
  • Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
  • Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
  • Should go far: Please.
  • Slightly below average: Stupid.
  • Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
  • Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
  • Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
  • Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
  • Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
  • Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
  • Takes pride in work: Conceited.
  • Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
  • Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
  • Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
  • Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
  • Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
  • Well organized: Does too much busywork.
  • Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.
  • Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
  • Will go far: Relative of management.

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Meeting Hints
Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed – namely, tradition. A lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it’s Monday.
This type of meeting operates the way “Show and Tell” does in school, with everyone getting to say something; the difference being that in school, the kids actually have something to say.
When it’s your turn, you say that you’re still working on whatever it is you’re supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty lame; since obviously you’d be working on whatever you’re supposed to be working on, and even if you weren’t, you’d claim you were.
It would be faster if the person running the meeting would say, “Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand.” You’d be out of there in five minutes.

Meetings where there is some alleged purpose are trickier. What you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and put it in the recycle bin.
Unless, of course, you’re a “wheel” (aka “Senior Manager”), in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like this: “Bill ?” Then you send it to Bill and forget all about it.

Sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your input on something. This is very serious because it means they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything.

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice.
Now, wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking. When he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then take notes in a semi-frantic manner.
Upon returning to your office, be sure to place the notes in the “colored paper” recycle bin.

At the conclusion of any meeting, be sure to offer “congrats” to whomever conducted the thing and say that they’ve given you a lot to consider. (Like how in the hell to avoid the next one).
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Office Truisms
• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
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Sign . . . Counter-Sign
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door.

Later, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
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Out-Of-The-Office E-Mail Auto-Reply
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message
7. ‘The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’ (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
10. I am on vacation. Your e-mail has been deleted.
11. Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
12. Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
13. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
14. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Dave’.
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Monthly Work Evaluation
Name: _______________________________ Date: __________

__ Really knows what he’s doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

__ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What’s a number?

__ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn’t care, never did, never

__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.

__ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.

__ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work–at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn’t do less if he were in a coma.

__ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time someone listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.

I understand that I have been counseled and understand my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat, and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.

Employee Signature
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New Accounting Job Codes

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time”. However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Listed below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Code Explanation
4303 Waiting for Break
4304 Waiting for Lunch
4305 Waiting for Something to Happen
4306 Hiding from Boss
4307 Waiting for Quitting Time
4404 Staring Into Space
4405 Staring at Computer Screen
4407 Transcendental Meditation
4408 Fantasizing – Miscellaneous, Unproductive
5316 Attended Useless Meeting
5317 Working on Stuff at Meeting, Pretending to Take Notes
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5400 Asking Co-Worker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5401 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-Worker
5403 Covering for Incompetence of Co-Worker
5404 Blaming Co-Worker for Latest Screw-Up
5405 Playing Pranks on Co-Worker(s)
5406 Explaining Concept to Co-Worker Who Could Care Less
5407 Explaining Concept to Co-Worker Who is Stupid
5408 Explaining Concept to Co-Worker Who Hates Me
5500 Filling Out Time Sheet
5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Work Hours
5603 Complaining About Co-Worker(s) (See Codes 5401 & 5404)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Complaining – Miscellaneous, Unproductive
5650 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5660 Feeling Bored
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6100 Getting Coffee/Soda/Whiskey
6101 Getting Snack
6102 Eating Snack
6103 Ordering Out
6104 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6105 Liquid Lunch (3 or more required; otherwise use 6100)
6106 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food/Sobering-Up
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Making Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Making Long-Distance Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (vacation, wedding, party)
6210 Updating Resume
6211 Answering Classified Employment Ad
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending to Like Co-Worker(s)
6224 Pretending to Like People When They are Jerks/Idiots
6601 Running Your Own Business on Company Time
6603 Writing a Book/Program on Company Time
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 15 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Child Care Provider on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7406 Talking With Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8100 Doing E-mail
8200 Miscellaneous Internet/Web Surfing/Browsing
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So What’s You Excuse For Leaving Work Early This Time?
1. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel
2. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA
3. It’s Wal-Mart’s Warehouse Sale
4. My back aches
5. My stomach aches
6. My hair aches (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon)
7. My biological clock is ticking
8. I have to take my biological clock in for service
9. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached
10. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn
11. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode
12. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother
13. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister
14. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother
15. I have to take my mother to the doctor
16. I have to take my minister to the doctor
17. I have to take my doctor to my minister
18. I think I left the iron on
19. I think I left the water on
20. I think I left the refrigerator on
21. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings
22. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test
23. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom
24. I have to have my waistband let out
25. I have to have my watchband let out
26. I have to have my son’s rock band let out
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“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications, and cover letters. Here’s some examples:

“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.”
(And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.)

“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”
(No problem …)

“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.”
(Glad to hear it.)

“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
(And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)

“I am very detail-oreinted.”
(With the possible exception of spelling)

“I can play well with others.”
(We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)

“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
(Have you considered law school?)

“My salary requirement is $34 per year.”
(They say money isn’t everything.)

“Served as assistant sore manager.”

“Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.”
(So you’re willing to travel?)

“Previous experience: Self-employed – a fiasco.”
(Definitely to the point.)

“I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.”
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
(We’re glad you’re not bitter.)
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Office Dares
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a “non-player” within sight).

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”

5. After every sentence, say “mon” in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., “the report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As god is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”

9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights?”

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
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