In Honor Of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (…and that would be???)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (…but, it’s just a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) —
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine —
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness”
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts”
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?)
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God. Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
George W. Bush Presidential Library
The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction (and will be for the foreseeable future).
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in (and if you do get in they’ll ignore you).
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find (it’s an imaginary room full of great big war toys for an incompetent former commander in chief to play with).
The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling (and grows and grows and grows – there goes Lewis Carroll again).
The ‘Tax Cut’ Room with entry only to the wealthy.
The ‘Economy Room’ which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery (and a whole lot of energy industry executives).
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The ‘Decider Room’ complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouijaboard, dice, coins, and straws.
The museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President’s accomplishments.
Admission: Republicans – free; Democrats -$1000 or 3 Euros
Mega Moron Awards
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank’s video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes Officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.
We may be in more trouble than we imagined.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the North?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has always done so since creation), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”. . . . She also votes!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.” . . . He also votes!.
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”……..Yep, she also votes!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . . . . . . My sister also votes!
My friends and I stopped to purchase a couple cases of Coca Cola for a party and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . He also votes!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My friend also votes!
My wife and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub shop last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn’t have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My wife got a quizzical look on her face and asked, “If that’s the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?” To this, the clerk responded, “I don’t think we add tax to the turkey.” The clerk also votes!
This one is a real ‘clinger’…….
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the lady attendant there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?” Yep, she is another one that also votes!
Real State Laws
These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.
Alabama: It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
California: Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Illinois: It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.
Iowa: Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Nebraska: A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
New Mexico: Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.
New York: A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
North Dakota: Beer & pretzels can’t be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
Ohio: Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
Rhode Island: It is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.
Vermont: Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week — on Saturday night.
Why You Should Think Before You Speak
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
In Case You Thought You Had A Bad Day....
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax handle, leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight HOURS short of the 400 day record; his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There, now! Your day’s not so bad after all, is it?
It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That’ s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for the past year:
* SIXTH PLACE *
* FIFTH PLACE *
* THIRD PLACE *
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid…or are more members of Congress serving on juries these days?
What Did They Say?
I know I only added one Bush quote, but if I added them all this list would be over a hundred lines long and just depressing as hell.
21. “The Bible commands that we hate.” -H. A. (Buster) Dobbs
22. “We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.” -Ann Coulter
23. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields
24. “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada”. -Britney Spears
25. “Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.” – Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
26. “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.” -Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles
27. “I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.” – Linda Evangelista, Supermodel
28. “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.” – Samuel Goldwyn
29. “Are you going to ask that question with shades on?” – George Bush to blind reporter Peter Wallsten
30. “The gavel of the speaker of the House is in the hands of special interests, and now it will be in the hands of America’s children.” – Nancy Pelosi, on the prospect of Democrats winning back Congress
More Captain Obvious News Headlines
Didn’t anyone proofread this stuff?
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Former inmate tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church’s focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
Things Dumb People Have Done...
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.
3. A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man’s grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.
4. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
5. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
6. A criminal who broke into a couple’s house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police.
7. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
9. David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect.
10. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
11. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
and last but not least…
12. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English”.
On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor’s task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don’t hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.
The South---You Gotta Love It
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, ‘You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?’
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, ‘Everything but my earrings.’
‘Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,’ the successful hunter replied.
‘You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?’ they inquired.
‘A tough call,’ nodded the hunter. ‘But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!’
Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’
The young man answered, ‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’
The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, ‘I have a flat tire.’
The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’
The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’
And this from South Carolina
Only In America
Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes and candy bars at the front.
Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. While contemplating surgery for being to fat.
Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Plus hire a rent a cop with a gun that would make Barney Fife look like Dirty Harry.
Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Don’t forget screws in three’s and nails by the dozen.
Only in America…..do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
When Science Goes Bad
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA’s response was just one sentence, “Thaw the chicken.”
President Obama’s Twitter Town Hall
President Obama took questions from the Internet during a Twitter Town Hall meeting broadcasted from The White House. During the interactive discussion, the President fielded questions about the economy (even Republican House Speaker John Boehner tweeted, “Where are the jobs?”) as well as other important topics.
It’s a good thing the tweets were highly screened, however, because from what we saw on Twitter most of the topics people wanted to hear Obama gab about have little to do with the economy or his style of governing. In fact, we found some pretty hilarious “questions” tweeted that we just have to share.
Stupid Sports Quotes
These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)
Who's Your Baby's Daddy?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing ‘Father’s Details,’ or putting it another way. Who’s your baby’s Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time…..well, I don’t have clue..
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.
Signs Ya Might Be A Damn Yankee
• You think barbecue is a verb meaning “To Cook Outside”
• You think Heinz ketchup is spicy
• You can pronounce “Worcestershire Sauce” correctly
• For breakfast, you would prefer home fries to grits
• You don’t know what a moon pie is
• You’ve never had grain alcohol
• You’ve never, ever eaten okra
• You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork
• You’ve never seen a live chicken
• The only cows you’ve seen are from the road in a car
• You have no idea what a polecat is
• Off-color jokes about farm animals, go over your head
• You don’t see anything wrong with a sweater on a poodle
• You don’t have bangs or sideburns
• You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags
• More than two generations of family have been kicked out of prep school
• You’d rather have your son be a lawyer than his own TV fishing show
• Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all”, you say “You guys”
• You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent
• You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun and knife show
• You think university football coaches are overpaid
• You don’t have at least one can of WD-40
• You don’t have a single roll of electrical tape in the house
• The last time you smiled was when cut someone off in traffic
• You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores
• The furthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Sear’s
• You call binoculars “Opera glasses”
• You can’t manage to spit out of the car window w/o pulling over
• You would never wear an applique sweatshirt
• You don’t know what an applique is
• You don’t know anyone with two first names (Billy Ray, Bonnie Sue)
• You don’t have doilies, and you don’t have any idea how to make one
• You’ve never been to a craft show
• You freak out on the subway if someone speaks to you
• You can’t do your laundry without quarters
• None of your fur coats are homemade
• You can’t imagine an indoor monster truck and tractor show
• You would never consider drinking a Budweiser beer
• The mere thought of biscuits and sausage gravy clogs your arteries
• The word “greens” brings about images of golf courses
• You think “Dry County” means it doesn’t rain too often there
• You don’t own a pair of overalls
• Your jewelry does not turn your skin green or black
• You wouldn’t be caught dead with a pouch of Red Man
• You have no clue what palmettos, fire ants or skinks are
• You don’t know anyone named Bubba, Slim, Billie Jean or Mavis
click here to close
The Blonde Cookbook
Monday: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
Where Did They Go Wrong?
The old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the government officials who had arrived to interview him.
“Chief Running Bear,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.”
The Chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the government officials for a minute, and then calmly replied, “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night have s ex with squaws.”
The Chief leaned back and smiled, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve on that.”
Actual Warning Labels
… On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
… On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
… On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
… On a Swanson frozen dinner: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
… On a Tesco’s Tiramisu Dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down.
… On a Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
… On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
… On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
… On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
… On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
… On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
… On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
… On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
… On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
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So Who Do You Serve?
”I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners — I abhor racism. I think it’s a bad business decision to exclude anybody from your restaurant — but, at the same time, I do believe in private ownership.”
—Kentucky GOP Senate nominee and Tea Party favorite Rand Paul, arguing that government shouldn’t require private businesses to serve customers of all races, interview with Louisville Courier-Journal, April 25, 2010
The Technologically Challenged
To any among you who believe you are technologically challenged. “you ain’t seen nuthin yet”. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called in to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and cleaning them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “Bad and an Invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” response shouldn’t be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents and told the tech that the computer had said it couldn’t find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that the computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and nothing happened. The tech asked what happened when she pressed the power switch. At that point she asked, “What power switch?”
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in ……..” The user hadn’t realized the “Insert Disk 2” implied to “Remove Disk 1” first.
10. A story from a Novell net Wire Sys Op:
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point because the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine,”
12. AND, last but not least:
Stupid Is As Stupid Does
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”
IN THE BAG
YOU MEAN ME?
LEARN YOUR LESSON
AHH, THAT’S BETTER!
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was “tired of walking,” stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.”
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy.
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.