1. “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
2. “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
3. “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
4. “Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”—Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
5. “Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican.”—declining to answer reporters’ questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001
6. “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”—Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
7. “I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense.”—Washington, D.C., April 18, 2006
8. “See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005
9. “I’ve heard he’s been called Bush’s poodle. He’s bigger than that.”—discussing former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as quoted by the Sun newspaper, June 27, 2007
10. “And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.”—meeting with Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008
11. “We ought to make the pie higher.”—South Carolina Republican debate, Feb. 15, 2000
12. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.”—Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
13. “And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”—speaking on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007
14. “We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.”—Houston, Sept. 6, 2000
15. “It’s important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It’s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.”—Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
16. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”—U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 3, 2000
17. “People say, ‘How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?’ You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in’s house and say I love you.”—Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002
18. “Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”—CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000
19. “I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.”—on the prospect of visiting Denmark, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2005
20. “I think it’s really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to—the beauty of playing baseball.”—Washington, D.C., Feb. 13, 2006
21. “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
22. “You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one.”—Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006
23. “There’s a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, ‘I don’t want you to let me down again.’ “—Boston, Oct. 3, 2000
24. “They misunderestimated me.”—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
25. “I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”—Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008
Did Anyone Read These Laws Before They Passed Them?
*In Alabama, it’s illegal to wear a funny fake mustache to church. If you want a mustache in Alabama but you also want to go to church — just don’t fake it. Grow your own because otherwise you’ll cause a stir. Church is a serious matter and if you plan on wearing a funny fake mustache then you should go somewhere else besides your local church.
*In New Hampshire, you may not tap your feet, nod your head or in any way keep time with the music played in a tavern, restaurant or cafe. This sounds very similar to cabaret laws in New York City which prevent dancing in most bars. But this law really gets down to the nitty gritty and prevents any outward sign that you’re enjoying a piece of music at all. And that just seems a little grouchy.
*Chicago forbids fishing while sitting on a giraffe’s neck. While we can’t imagine why someone would be riding on a giraffe’s neck in Chicago, let alone fishing, it does make sense. The combination of giraffe-level altitude and sharp hooks just doesn’t mix. The giraffe, the fisher, passersby or all of these people could get hurt.
*A person may be jailed in Fargo, North Dakota for wearing a hat while dancing or wearing a hat to an event where dancing is taking place. This is probably another of those laws that is no longer current nor enforced in Fargo but it is funny to think that at one time, hats and dancing in Fargo just didn’t mix. In many other places wearing a hat while dancing is fine but if you aren’t wearing pants, then you’re in trouble.
*Skunks may not be carried into the state of Tennessee. Look, skunks are gross no matter where they are and they tend to carry rabies which is something that you don’t want to find anywhere. Tennessee is simply trying to keep skunks out and make their state smell better in addition to keeping rabies well outside of the entire state. They may still have a ways to go.
*No one may cross Minnesota state lines with a duck on top of their head. This one is a little harder to explain than the Tennessee skunk law. First of all, who doesn’t like ducks? Secondly, why can’t they be carried on one’s head? Perhaps this is just another disease prevention measure — maybe residents in neighboring states tend to carry their ducks around on their heads.
*In Ohio, It’s illegal to get a fish drunk. How one would even attempt to feed alcohol to a fish is beyond us unless they have the little buggers swimming in it. And that just seems cruel and dangerous. So there’s no reason to disagree with this particular law — except there’s no real indication as to how this law could regularly be enforced.
*Next door neighbors may not lend each other vacuum cleaners in Denver, Colorado. We feel bad for people who live in Denver and don’t own their own vacuum cleaners and we probably won’t be visiting those people anytime soon due to the fact that it’s probably been some time since they’ve cleaned the carpets. However, this law more than likely fell off the books long ago and is no longer enforced. So vacuum cleaner owners of Denver, lend away!
*If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter in Florida, the parking fee must be paid just as if a car had parked there. While this may seem very odd, it’s actually not unusual for a circus elephant to end up in Florida. The Ringling Museum, located in the house where John Ringling lived, is located in Sarasota, Florida. The entire state is pretty proud of their circus elephants.
How Do These People Survive?
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer….. Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
We laugh but her I.D. is safe.
During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
“Hullo!!!! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.”
Real 911 Calls, BELIEVE it or not!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I’m wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
And the winner is……….
Stupid Product Labels
1. On a blanket from Taiwan
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink
5. On a New Zealand insect spray
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
10. On a Sears hairdryer
11. On a bag of Fritos
12. On a bar of Dial soap
13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
15. On a Korean kitchen knife
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
17. On a Japanese food processor
18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
20. On a Swedish chainsaw
21. On a child’s superman costume
22. On some frozen dinners
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine
26. On Nytol sleep aid
They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ….same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said ‘buy one-get one free.’ ‘They’re already buy-one-get-one-free,’ she said, ‘so I guess they’re both free’. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’. Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where’?
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, ‘Oh I don’t keep up with all that stuff.’
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us! And sometimes were related
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?’
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.’
They Walk Among Us,
And that’s how W. got elected!
Why Athletes Can’t Have Real Jobs
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder, Andre Dawson, on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”
2. New Orleans Saint RB, George Rogers, when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
5. Football commentator and former player, Joe Theismann, 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter, Dan Duva, on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, when asked why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature even in January.
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounts what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
15. Bobby Bowden , Florida States football coach, when asked why he didn’t invest in condos, said, “I am too old to use them now.”
Emergency Room Tales
Just a few stories from our nation’s Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction:
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as “The Human Couch”.
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!” at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby’s father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!) Instead he was saying, “Whore! Whore! Whore!”
The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady’s 78-year old daughter that her mother didn’t make it. “Didn’t make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!”
You Might Be A Republican If...
• You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
• You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.”
• You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
• You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
• You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
• You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Honey.”
• You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
• You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
• You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
• You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.
• You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western values.”
• You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
• Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
• You’ve ever said, “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
• You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
• You spent MLK Day reading “The Bell Curve.”
• You’ve ever called education a luxury.
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
• You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
• You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition dictates….”
• You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
• You think all artists are gay.
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
• You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes
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Actual Questions That Librarian’s Have Been Asked
These are actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
• Do you have books here?
• Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?
• Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?
• I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, Waltzing through Grand Rapids. (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)
• Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’? (Actual title: “Satanic Verses.”)
• Where is the reference desk? (This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had hanging above her head a sign saying Reference Desk.)
• I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?
• Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?
• Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?
• Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
• I need a color photograph of George Washington (Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.)
• I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.
• I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.
• Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.
• I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.
• Is the basement upstairs? (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk.)
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Quotes From Stupid Famous People
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”—Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”—Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”—Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”—Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”—Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”—A congressional candidate in Texas.
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”—Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”—Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”—Dan Quayle
“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another” — George Bush, US President
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”—Lee Iacocca
“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”—Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” — Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”—Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”—Bill Clinton, President
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”—Al Gore, VP
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”—Keppel Enderbery
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” —Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”—Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
….Feeling smarter yet?
DC Airport Ticket Agent
DC Airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ‘I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts …”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ”
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!” (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map” (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, No, why do you ask?’
He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”
11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in! Could ANYONE be that DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May last awhile
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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Application To Live In Arkansas
Subject: Application to reside in the state of Arkansas, or any nearby vicinity widely populated with rednecks
IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF ARKANSAS, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS OR OKLAHOMA. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT ARKANSAS.
A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:
• Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
• Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
• Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
• Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
• The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
• A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.
• Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
• Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
• Need more signs to keep area pristine.
• A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
• The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
• I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at the lake.
• Too many rocks in the mountains.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears Repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large” enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook His head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.” I responded that
1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, “NO, it’s not.” Four is larger than Two.” We haven’t used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the Removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer Are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for Them to be crossing anymore.” >From Kingman, KS.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. He was A Chef? Yep…
From Kansas City!
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, She responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!” She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS.
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to “downsizing.” Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power Strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!”
Diction Guide to Texas
own. It’s a form of “Southern Drawl” but a lot of words are unique to Texas.
As an aid to travelers, some of the more common phrases/words are presented here so that y’all may communicate:
HERN (possessive pronoun)
RAH CHEER (adverb)
RAT NOW (adverb)
How Stupid Are They...
1. A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
2. One hamburger short of a Happy Meal.
3. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
4. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and… What was the question?
5. A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he’d have to give up chewing gum.
7. A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. — Tom Waits
8. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. — Churchill
9. A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
10. A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
11. A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
12. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
13. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
14. An IQ just below room temperature.
15. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
16. A walking argument for birth control.
17. Afraid she’ll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
18. Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray — twice.
19. All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
20. All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
21. She’s a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
22. Should be the poster child for family planning.
23. Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
24. So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
25. So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
26. So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
27. So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
28. So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
29. Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
30. Some Assembly Required.
31. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
32. Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
33. Your sort of like an inverse Einstein.
34. Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
35. Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
36. Still traumatized from the forest fire in “Bambi”.
37. Stumped by anything child-proof.
38. Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
39. Went Surfing in Nebraska.
40. Switch is on, but no one’s receiving.
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Ballad Of The Bobbitt Hillbillies
Sung to the them song of the Beverly Hillbilly’s
Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John
PEN IS, that is.
Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by John’s side
CURVE, that is.
Then she went to the cops and confessed to the attack
FOUND, that is.
Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
WHIZZED, that is.
Johnny healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
VIDEO, that is.
Dumb Criminal Stories
BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida’s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
OOPS! OF THE WEEK
I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
I THOUGHT THIS’D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY’D LOOK…!
Did They Really Mean That?
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Out side a photographer’s studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
At my University’s Student center Bathrooms: “If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police.”
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: “Rest Area Next Right” – the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local shop says, “If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.”
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read “Will work for food.” If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read “Now hiring.”
At an office: “This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions.”
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: “Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education.”
How To Write Dummy Books For Dummies
Walk into any bookstore, and you’ll find dozens of annoying dummy books sitting on the shelf. These range from Windows 95 for Dummies to Beer for Dummies to Stealing Books from the Bookstores for Dummies. (Actually, I made that last one up, but I’m sure someone’s working on it right now.) Sometimes, these books can be useful. Other times, they can be a tad annoying. (“Special Tip! When you finish reading the words on this line, scroll down and there will be more words. Really!)
There is such a demand for these books that I know many of you are itching to jump on this trend and write your own Dummy books. After all, there are many topics yet to be covered. (Home Brain Surgery for Dummies, The Snooze Button for Dummies, Walking and Chewing Gum at the Same Time for Dummies just to name a few.) So to help you the reader (and potential writer), I would like to present… How to Write Dummy Books for Dummies.
First of all, pretend your audience has all the intelligence of Pamela Anderson and/or Lee. (Settle down. I said the intelligence.) Always think of your readers as nice but stupid. Then, start writing. Remember to explain everything about your subject that you possibly can. And then explain it again.
How to Come Up with a Subject
Stuff Everyone Assumes You Already Know
Special Tip! Still confused about words? Well, this sentence contains words. See?
Special Tip! When you put together a bunch of sentences, you should skip a line and start a new paragraph.
Like so. And don’t get all worried about how many sentences should make up a paragraph. Just pick a random number, and you should be all set.
The Whole Actual Writing Thing
* Remember it’s important to use lots of bullets.
Here are some other tips:
* Did I mention the part about using lots of bullets? Okay. Just making sure.
Four Tips to Help You Make a Good List
What to Do Once You’ve Written the Book
Great Answer To A Dumb Question
Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:
“Do you feel anything when you shoot a terrorist?”
The Marine shrugged and replied, “A slight recoil.”