You Might Be A Redneck If…
1. Your family tree does not fork.
2. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
7. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
8. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
9. You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
10. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
11. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
12. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
13. You think that canned meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
14. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
15. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
16. You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
17. You own a homemade fur coat.
18. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
19. Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
20. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
21. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
22. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
23. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
24. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
25. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
26. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
27. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
28. Fewer than half of your cars run.
29. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
30. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
31. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
32. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
33. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
34. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
35. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
36. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
37. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
38. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
39. Your favorite T-shirt is considered offensive in thirteen states.
40. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
41. You’re an expert on worm beds.
42. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
43. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!”
44. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
45. You haul more than U-Haul.
46. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The feud is back on!”
47. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
48. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
49. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
50. Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
51. Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
52. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
53. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
54. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
55. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
56. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
57. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
58. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
59. You’ve ever barbecued Spam.
60. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
61. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
62. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
63. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
64. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
65. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
66. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
67. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
68. You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
69. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
70. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
71. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
72. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
73. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
74. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
75. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
76. Birds are attracted to your beard.
77. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute”.
78. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
79. You’ve ever opened a beer during a funeral service.
80. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
81. You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
82. Bikers back down from your momma.
83. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
84. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
85. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
86. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
87. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
88. You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
89. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
90. You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
91. You’ve ever shot a deer while sitting on the toilet.
92. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
93. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
94. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
95. You clean your nails with a pocket knife.
96. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
97. Your Christmas cards have a picture of your butt included.
98. People are scared to touch your wife’s bathrobe.
99. You keep a fly swatter in the front seat of your car so you can hit your kids in the back seat of the car.
100. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
101. You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
102. You’ve ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
103. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
104. You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
105. You’ve ever bought a used cap.
106. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
107. You’ve ever used a weed eater indoors.
108. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
109. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
110. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’.
111. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
112. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
113. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
114. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six pack.
115. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
116. You’ve ever spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
117. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
118. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
119. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
120. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
121. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
122. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
123. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
124. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
125. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
126. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
127. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
128. You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
129. Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
130. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
131. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
132. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
133. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
134. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
135. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
136. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
137. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
138. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
139. You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
140. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
141. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
142. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
143. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
144. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
145. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
146. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
147. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
148. You mow your lawn and find a car.
149. You can spit without opening your mouth.
150. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
151. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
152. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
153. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
154. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
155. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
156. You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.
157. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
158. You’ve never paid for a haircut.
159. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
160. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
161. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just “misunderstood”.
162. You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.
163. The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”
164. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
165. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
166. You think a ‘cursor’ is someone who swears a lot.
167. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
168. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
169. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
170. Your screen door has no screen.
171. Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
172. Your grandfather completely executes the “pull my finger” trick at the family reunion.
173. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
174. You have a house that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.
175. You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
176. Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
177. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
178. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
179. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
180. You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.
181. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
182. You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
183. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
184. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
185. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
186. It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
187. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are three of the primary colors.
188. You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.
189. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.
190. The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
191. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house
192. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
193. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
194. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
195. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
196. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
197. You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
198. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
199. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
200. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
201. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
202. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
203. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
204. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
205. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people”
206. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
207. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey y’all watch this!”
208. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
209. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
210. Your junior prom had a daycare.
211. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen start your engines.”
212. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
213. The blue-book value of your truck goes up/down, depending on how much gas is in it.
214. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
215. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
216. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
217. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
218. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
219. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
220. Somebody hollers “Hoe Down” and your girlfriend hits the floor.
221. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
222. If the biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wall-mart.
223. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.
224. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
225. If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
226. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
227. If your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
228. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
229. If you’ve ever used a toilet brush as a backscratcher.
230. If you’ve ever asked the preacher “How’s it hangin?”
231. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
232. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
233. If somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is…
234. If you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said “concentrate.”
235. If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
236. If you don’t understand why the first 35 are funny.
237. If you don’t understand why the first 35 are funny.
238. You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.
239. The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”
240. You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
241. You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
242. Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
243. Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
244. Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
245. After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.
246. You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
247. You pick up your girlfriend on a bike for the prom.
248. The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
249. A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”
250. You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
251. Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
252. In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”
253. You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.
254. You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.
255. You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
256. You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.
257. Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
258. You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.
259. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
260. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
261. Your screen door has no screen.
262. The one what hangs ’round over yonder, back’ah Bubba’s barn…”
263. You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
264. Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
265. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
266. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
267. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
268. You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
269. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
270. The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
271. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house
272. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
273. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
274. When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
275. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
276. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
277. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
278. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
279. You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
280. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
281. You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
282. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.
283. Your masseuse uses lard.
284. Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
285. On stag night, you take a real deer.
286. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
287. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
288. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
289. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
290. You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.
291. You list your parole officer as a reference.
292. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
293. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
294. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in
295. the front yard.
296. You don’t think Jeff’s jokes are funny.
297. Your house has a kickstand.
298. You drive around a parking lot for fun.
299. Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
300. You have to duct tape your gloves on.
301. You’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
302. You think that Marlboro is a cologne.
303. Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
304. You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
305. You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
306. You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
307. You can’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.
308. You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
309. You’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
310. You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
311. Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
312. The make, model, and license plate number of your truck are obscured by a layer of mud.
313. You have got more bumper stickers than children.
314. Your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge thru the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pickup, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
315. You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
316. One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
317. The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
318. You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
319. You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
320. You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
321. Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
322. You have to stop a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
323. You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
324. You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don’t use it because they won’t come down your driveway to get it.
325. The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife…. and wave to her.
326. Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
327. You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
328. You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
329. When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
330. Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into “America’s Most Wanted”.
331. You own more than two clappers.
332. You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
333. Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade.
334. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
335. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool.
336. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool.
337. Your pickup truck no longer has a back.
338. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day.
339. The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.”
340. Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair.
341. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
342. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
343. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
344. You think Tang is in the fruit group.
345. You can hit a bulls eye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.
346. You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
347. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it.
348. The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
349. You’ve run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all your wives names.
350. You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that’s holding it together.
351. People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.
352. You’ve ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, ” I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today.”
353. You think the internet is a new fishing tool.
354. There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.
355. You argue to the government that the Budweiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.
356. Your kids can’t go out for Halloween because there’s nobody within walking distance to get candy from.
Jokes – You Might Be A Redneck If…
You Might Be A Redneck If…