Celebrities Say The Darndest Things
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.”
“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?”
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.”
“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
15 Best Homer Simpson Quotes. Ever.
1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
2. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
3. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.
4. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
5. Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
6. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?
7. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
8. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.
9. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
10. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
11. Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
12. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
13. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
14. If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
15. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk
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A doctor tells a guy: “I have bad news. You have Alzheimer’s, and you have cancer.” Guy says, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.” – Roseanne
I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.” – Lisa Lampanelli
Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now? – Bill Maher
I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over. – Bobby Slayton
To America, there’s just something about Charlie Sheen working with children that “feels right.” – Conan O’Brien
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have. – Wendy Liebman
On his daughter’s diaper: There was so much poop. It didn’t look like a baby’s poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump – Louis C.K.
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist. – Jonathan Katz
I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that. – Ophira Eisenberg
I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests. – Jim Norton
My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I said, “Period.” – Sean Keane
Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection? – George Carlin
Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years. – Robert Duchaine
My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!” – Carolyn Castiglia
I just got engaged. My fiancée won’t take my name because “Lisa Levin” sounds awful. So she’s just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand – it’s a family name. – Todd Levin
I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with a globe. – Dave Attell
Groucho Marx Quotes
Q: How do you feel about women’s rights?
A: I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, mis-diagnosing it and then mis-applying the wrong remedies.
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends . . . may they never meet!
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
I sent the club a wire stating, “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
There is only one way to find out if a man is honest . . . ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he is crooked.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing . . . if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Time wounds all heels.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Oh are you from Wales?? Do you know a fella named Jonah?? He used to live in whales for a while.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy … and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed . . . But we’re going back next week.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Outside of a dog a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s to dark to read.
She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
“Call me a cab!” Groucho replies, “OK, you’re a cab.”
I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said “I was just whispering in her mouth.”
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . retire!
You get a canoe later and I’ll paddle you.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Failed Technology Predictions
Throughout history man has been making predictions of the future. With the advent of technology, the predictions moved away from religious topics to scientific and technological. Unfortunately for the speakers, many of these failed predictions have been recorded for all future generations to laugh at. Here is a selection of some of the best.
1. “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” — Sir William Preece, Chief Engineer, British Post Office, 1878.
2. “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — A memo at Western Union, 1878 (or 1876).
3. “The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most.” — IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.
4. “I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.” — HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901.
5. “X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1883.
6. “The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.” — Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916.
7. “How, sir, would you make a ship sail against the wind and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? I pray you, excuse me, I have not the time to listen to such nonsense.” — Napoleon Bonaparte, when told of Robert Fulton’s steamboat, 1800s.
8. “Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.” — Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power).
9. “Home Taping Is Killing Music” — A 1980s campaign by the BPI, claiming that people recording music off the radio onto cassette would destroy the music industry.
10. “Television won’t last. It’s a flash in the pan.” — Mary Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.
11. “[Television] won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” — Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.
12. “When the Paris Exhibition [of 1878] closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it.” – Oxford professor Erasmus Wilson
13. “Dear Mr. President: The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as ‘railroads’ … As you may well know, Mr. President, ‘railroad’ carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by ‘engines’ which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed.” — Martin Van Buren, Governor of New York, 1830.
14. “Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.” — Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London.
15. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to no one in particular?” — Associates of David Sarnoff responding to the latter’s call for investment in the radio in 1921.
Quotes From Famous Women
•I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
•You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
•I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
•I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
•This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
•I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
•Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
•I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
•I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
•I think – therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead
•Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
•When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
•Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
•In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
•If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
•I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
•Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem
•Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
•I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
•Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
•If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
•I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Some Thoughts On Sex, Beer And Drinking, by the World's Greatest Scholars
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Tom Clancy
You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk.
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
What Shakespeare Really Meant
William Shakespeare was a very wise man. But you’d never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare’s quotes into modern day English. It’s about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Have patience, and endure.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
When Insults Had Class
”He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill
”A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
”I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
”Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
”Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
”He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
”I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
”I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
”He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
”I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend….if you have one.”
”Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.”
”I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
”He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
”I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
”He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
”He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
”He had delusions of adequacy.”
”There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
”He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
”They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
”He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
”In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
”He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
”Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
”His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
”He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.”
”He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
Anecdotes By Famous People
One day while Groucho Marx was working in his garden (dressed in well-worn gardening attire), a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and endeavored to persuade the “gardener” to come and work for her. “How much does the lady of the house pay you?” she asked.
“Oh, I don’t get paid in dollars.” Groucho replied, glancing up. “The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her.”
Marx, Groucho [Julius]; US comedian, member of the Marx Brothers
Oliver Herford was traveling on a crowded trolley one day with his young nephew seated on his lap. Indeed, so crowded was the car that when an attractive blonde woman later embarked, she was obliged to stand.
In his capacity as a comedian on “You Bet Your Life” Groucho Marx interviewed many of the show’s participants. He once met a certain Mrs. Story, who claimed to have given birth to twenty-two children.
While working as an impecunious young reporter in Virginia City, Mark Twain was walking down the street one day, a cigar box tucked under his arm, when he encountered a wealthy matron of his acquaintance. “You promised me,” she said reproachfully, “that you would give up smoking.”
Taft once found himself stranded at a small country railway station. Informed that the express train would stop only for a large group, Taft wired the conductor: “Stop at Hicksville. Large party waiting to catch train.”
Of the Greek Prime Minister Plasteras, Winston Churchill once remarked: “Well, I hope he doesn’t have feet of clay, too.”
Samuel Goldwyn arrived in his office one morning and found on his desk a copy of The Making of Yesterday: The Diaries of Raoul de Roussy de Sales, 1938-1942, which someone had suggested for possible film adaptation.
Billy Wilder, visiting Paris for the opening of ‘Some Like It Hot’, was asked by his wife to send back a few things: some Charvet ties for a friend and a bidet for herself.
Lucy Lawless was once asked what Xena (her character on Xena, Warrior Princess) would make of Superman.
Stephanie March, perhaps most noted for her role on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, was often asked about legal issues.
Chris Evert Lloyd was renowned for her incredible powers of concentration. During a match at a junior tournament, Chris repeatedly ran into a chair which had inadvertently been left near the back line.
So slim was the outfit chosen by Anna Kournikova for her GQ cover shoot that production artists were obliged to “lend her a little cover.”
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.
• Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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George Carlin Quotes
• As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
• Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
• I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
• I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
• They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
• If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
• What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
• I like Florida. Everything is in the 80′s. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQ’s.
• The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
• The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
• If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
• Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Quotes From Bob Hope
• You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
• Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
• I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
• I thought ‘Deep Throat’ was a movie about a giraffe.
• I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
• I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer to my money.
• If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
• When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.
• I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
• A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
• I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap.
• I must say the Senator’s victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else.
• I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
• If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it.
• Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
• Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
• My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
• People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
• When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
• She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
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I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.
- General Joao Baptista Figueiredo, president – Brazil, 1979
Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.
I’m not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.
Send all the details. Never mind the facts.
That is true — but not absolutely true.
I have not reneged on my promise. I have changed my mind.
We are launching this innovation for the first time.
It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that.
If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.
That picture was taken out of context.
I don’t like to look back in retrospect.
Then you add two forkfuls of cooking oil…
Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?
And Helena got six inches during the night… Helena, Montana, that is!
Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.
I have lied in good faith.
The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies.
You always write it’s bombing, bombing, bombing. It’s not bombing, it’s air support.
You can’t just let nature run wild.
Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
I really didn’t say everything I said.
Now ride off in all directions.
I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised.
Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
Lillian’s greatest strength is her strength.
Ladies and gentleman, and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you.
I was not aware that making up a story and lying to the police is against the law.
The wit and wisdom of Will Rogers
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER…
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons.” — Popular Mechanics, 1949
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” — The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
“But what…is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” — Attributed to Bill Gates, 1981, but believed to be an urban legend.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
“While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility.” — Lee DeForest, inventor.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
“Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899.
“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
Funny Wedding Quotes
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. – H.L. Mencken
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house. – Jean Kerr
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. – Anonymous
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. – Helen Rowland
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? – Carrie Snow
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. – George Burns
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. – Henny Youngman
In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out. – Joey Adams
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. – Joey Adams
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.- Marie Corelli
I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it. – Walter Matthau
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
Infatuation is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway.- Judith Viorst
Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
1. If you’re dating a man who you think might be “Mr. Right,” if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
2. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
3. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
4. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
5. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
6. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie “The Way We Were” twice, voluntarily.
7. Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
8. If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget …he didn’t lose your number…he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
9. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
10. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
11. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you…I want to marry you…I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
12. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.”
13. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
14. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
15. Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men sexually and emotionally, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
16. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
17. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
18. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
19. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
20. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
21. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
22. All men would still really like to own a train set.
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just fuck off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Bill Maher's Closing Bit The Other Night To President Bush:
This job can’t be fun for you any more. There’s no more money to spend–you
used up all of that. You can’t start another war because you used up the
army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush
family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard’s
bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one’s speaking to you. Mission
Now it’s time to do what you’ve always done best: lose interest and walk
But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like
On your watch, we’ve lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four
So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: ‘Take a hint.’
With any kind of physical test, I don’t know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they’d do those hearing tests? And you’d really be listening hard, you know?
I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, “We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We’re sending the results to Washington, we’d like you to meet the President.”
The proof that we don’t understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can’t stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don’t think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower?
It’s tough to do a good deed. Let’s look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spiderman. They’re all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don’t want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.
I’m on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, “We’re going to be making up some time in the air.”
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, “Bye.”
Frankly, I don’t believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Then there’s the psychiatrist. Why is it that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left?
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They’re always looking off camera, “Do we have time?” “Are we out of time?” “How are we doing on time?”
The main difference between the man’s wallet and the woman’s wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they’ve ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture’s out of date. “Here’s my cousin, 3 years old, she’s in the Marines now. This is my dog; he died during the Carter administration.”
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera: “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”
Sunday’s paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. “Oh, by the way, here’s a thousand pages of information you had no idea about.” How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing’s going on?
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad. There’s a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
One thing I love about living in New York is it’s every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.”
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you’re in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes.
My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, So what? Neither do I.
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn’t that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don’t they rotate on their own?
All the king’s HORSES and all the king’s men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn’t put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? “Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!”
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.”
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, “And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!” I think not.
Quotes From Roseanne Barr
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
“My husband and I didn’t sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”
“Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re feeling festive?”
“Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.”
“When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I’ve done my job.”
“My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.”
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, “Sorry, we’re open.”
“My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheese Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.”
“I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people…that’s why I don’t like any of them.”
“Dealing with a guy is like eating a doughnut one piece at a time. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there’s my personal favorite, the male ego
The Refined Humor Of Stephen Wright:
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
You may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. If not then you probably don’t know this, but there is not one single swear word in their comedy.
* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London – there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
* Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?”
* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
* Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
Funny Christmas Quotes
Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. —Bart Simpson
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. —Dave Barry
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included.” —Bernard Mannin
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. —Phyllis Diller
Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. —Ellen DeGeneres
I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six.
Time to lie on the beach….Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere.
When repairmen say they’ll “Come sometime next week,” I usually say, “Fine, I’ll pay you sometime next year.”
I’m a pretty patient person….Just as long as I’m not kept waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often…to throw at people who suggest I cook.
Remember the “Twilight Zone” episode where a man went all day without saying anything stupid? That’ll never happen in real life.
It’s National Chili Week…Which makes next week National Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves…Wait until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit shorter…Kind of like me.
Here’s a spooky Halloween mystery…How do they fit so many calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men…If noogies count, I hit on ‘em every day.
I’m thinking of renewing my vow…to never get married again.
Breaking up is hard to do…Unless you’re mad and there’s a vase nearby.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on and on about nothing.
Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but I’m still waiting for the all-whining channel.
Woody Allen Quotes
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like…making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.”
“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”
“The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty”
“S ex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it’s fantastic.”
“I’ve often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness… is me.”
“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
“Life is like a concentration camp… you can’t leave without dying.”
“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
“Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.”
“Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to s ex.”
“Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
“I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”
– Linda Evangelista
ON BODY PARTS
ON BODY LANGUAGE
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
Quotes On Stuff
• He who can does – he who cannot, teaches. (George Bernard Shaw)
• In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. (Mark Twain)
• Dublin University contains the dream of Ireland – rich and thick. (Samuel Beckett)
• Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. (Mark Twain)
• Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. (Mark Twain)
• I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’ (Lenny Bruce)
• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some. (Emo Philips)
George Carlin: (I Am A BAD American)
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.
I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
Mae West's Quotable Quotes
Is that a gun in your pocket…or are you just happy to see me?
His mother should have thrown him away…and kept the stork
Q: Have you ever met a man that could make you happy? A: Several times
To err is human…but it feels divine
I like my clothes to be tight enough to show I’m a woman…but loose enough to show I’m a lady
It’s not the men in my life that counts…it’s the life in my men
A man in the house…is worth two in the street
Too much of a good thing…can be wonderful
He who hesitates…is last
I used to be Snow White…but I drifted
Goodness, what beautiful diamonds! Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie
It’s hard to be funny…when you have to be “clean”
When I’m good, I’m very good…but when I’m bad, I’m better
When a girl goes wrong…men go right after her
So many men…so little time
You ought to get out of those wet clothes…and into a dry martini
Those who are easily shocked…should be shocked more often
Anything worth doing…is worth doing slowly
I only like two kinds of men…domestic and foreign
Give a man a free hand…and he’ll run it all over you
He who hesitates…is a damned fool
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day…and another, in case it doesn’t rain
Whenever I’m caught between two evils…I take the one I’ve never tried
I generally avoid temptation…unless I can’t resist it
I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor…Believe me, rich is better
I always say, keep a diary…some day it’ll keep you
It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then…As long as you don’t break any
It’s better to be looked over…than overlooked
You may admire a girl’s curves on the first introduction…but the second meeting shows up new angles
Marriage is a fine institution…but I’m not ready for an institution
It’s not what you do…it’s how you do it
A hard man…is good to find
I’m the lady who works at Paramount all day…and Fox all night
Why don’t you come on up and see me sometime…when I got nothin’ on but the radio
Jokes From The Professionals
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming! – Henny Youngman
An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator temporarily out of order” sign, just “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”-Mitch Hedberg
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?-George Carlin
My HMO is terrible. They charged me for a self breast exam. It’s a flat fee.-Wendy Liebman
The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you’re allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents. – Conan O’Brien
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.-Mitch Hedberg
Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before-George Carlin
I never actually grasped the whole “Trick or treat” ultimatum. Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep-is this a choice? – Jerry Seinfeld
Chris Rock Quotes
You know ‘the stripper myth.’ The stripper myth is: ‘I’m stripping to pay my tuition.’ No you’re not! There’s no strippers in college! There’s no clear heels in biology! Shit, I didn’t know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. If they’ve got so many strippers in college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said ‘if I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.’ I haven’t met her yet. If I do, she’s gonna get a big tip.
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
“Don’t argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense”
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?
We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!
Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don’t want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I’m talking about. Every club you go into, there’s always some old guy. He ain’t really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
You know what they say, “There’s no reason to ever hit a woman.” Shit! There’s a reason to hit everybody. You just don’t do it. Shit, there’s a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don’t do it. Ain’t nobody above an ass-whooping.
A bunch of girls say, “You don’t need no man to help you raise no child” … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, “I was at Kevin’s house!” A woman lie is like, “It’s your baby!”
If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain’t been in love. And the only thing that’s stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: “Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass.”
Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, “Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let’s go out there and try to make this bitch happy.”
Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … “fuck that bitch,” “fuck that bitch.” Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, “Oh man, she’s nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.” If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, “I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch’s throat to do it.” Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around their man.
But here’s what they don’t tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. They’re always complaining about something. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she’ll still complain. “Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn’t you go to Tiffany’s? You’re so fucking cheap.”
The Original Hollywood Squares
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous and clever — not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps! One is politics, what is the other?
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
Jewish Proverbs & Quotes
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth.
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
One old friend is better than two new ones.
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb
A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”
Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein
You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
Deep Observations On Life
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
3) “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
4) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
5) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
6) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
7) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”
8) “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
9) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
10) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”
11) “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
12) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
13) “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
14) “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
15) “Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
16) “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.”
17) “Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”
18) “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”
ON TURNING 70 ‘You still chase women, but only downhill’.
ON TURNING 80 ‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
ON TURNI NG 90 ‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
ON TURNING 100′ I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon Then it’s time for my nap.’
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING ‘I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.’
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR ‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.’
ON GOLF ‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees’
ON PRESIDENTS ‘ I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six’
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER ‘ When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham’.’
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL ‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it .’
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY ‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS ‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES ‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’
ON GOING TO HEAVEN ‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’
Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about little puppies.
– Gene Hill
In dog years I’m dead
Dogs feel strongly they should always go with you in the car, in case the need arises for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear
I wonder what goes through a dog’s mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl
The dog’s kennel is not the place to keep a sausage
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read
As far as dogs are concerned, the scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in… I think that is how dogs spend their lives
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog
I loathe people who keep dogs — they are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves
No dog should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation
Dogs must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth… we come back from the store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can; that’s almost $7.00 in dog money
Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem
Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in
I care not for a man’s religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane
I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives
Famous Quotes From Women
• I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong
• I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne
• I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks
• This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?” – Judy Tenuta
• I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman
• Never lend your car to anyone whom you have given birth to. – Erma Bombeck
• I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead. – Sue Kolinsky
• I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman
• I think – therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead
• Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler
• Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. – Bella Abzug
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
• If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it, at least, has female saints, and the Virgin Mary. – Margaret Atwood
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem
• Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. – Gloria Steinem
• Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn
• I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. – Baroness Edith Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
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First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
“How do most men define marriage?
“Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
“Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – George Burns.
“Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” – Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.
“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
“Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn’t, they be married too.” – H. L. Mencken.
In California, there’s a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It’s nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.” – Matt Sullivan.
“Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.”
“If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.” – Alan King.
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor.
“Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.” – Jim Backus.
“It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife!” – Emperor Akbar the Great of India (1542-1605) who had 300 wives and 5000 concubines.
“Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.” – Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
More Groucho Marx Quotes
1. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
2. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
3. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
4. Women should be obscene and not heard.
5. I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
6. My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
7. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
8. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
9. Either the man is dead, or my watch has stopped.
10. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
11. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
12. I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
13. I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
14. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
15. Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
16. Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
17. I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.
18. Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put ‘Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.
19. Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
20. My mother treated us all equally… with contempt
21. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
22. No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
23. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
24. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. But we’re going back next year.
25. Love flies out the door, when money comes innuendo.
26. What does California need an air force for? We have no air out here.
27. (When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid) I was just whispering in her mouth.
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Quotes From Famous People
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
Miss Alabama the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life”
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body”
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
“The word ‘genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
More Of Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald.”
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
12. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
13. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
14. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
15. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
16. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire, and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
17. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
18. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
19. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
20. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say “Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo.”
21. Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
22. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
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Quotes From The Greats About...
• I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
• I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill. (George Burns)
• At my age flowers scare me (George Burns)
• Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives. (Maurice Chevalier, on 77th birthday)
• People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I’ll tell you: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
• Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
• The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
• There are three ages of man – youth, age, and ‘you’re looking wonderful.’ (Francis Spellman)
• I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
Rodney Dangerfield (With Great Respect RIP)
• I could tell my parents hated me my bath toys were a toaster and radio.
• My wife made me join a bridge club…I jump off next Tuesday.
• One year they wanted to make me the poster boy…for birth control.
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me…Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
• I’m so ugly…my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room…he said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could…But he pulled through.”
• With my old man I got no respect…I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
• I was such an ugly kid…when I played in the sandbox…the cat kept covering me up.
• I’m so ugly…my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.
• I was such an ugly baby…my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
• I’m so ugly…when I worked in a pet shop people kept asking how big I’d get.
• My dog’s favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times…three of those times I was reading it.
• I remember the time that I was kidnapped…they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
• A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.”
I went over…Nobody was home.
• One day I came home early from work…I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”
• It’s been a rough day…I got up this morning…Put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase…And the handle came off.
Now I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
• Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman…I asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”
He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
• I went to see my doctor and said, “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?”
He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
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Steven Wright's Wit
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country
• Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time.
• I can levitate birds. No one cares.
• I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy.
• I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
• I try to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
• It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
• There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
• What exactly do batteries run on?
• When George Washington was asked for ID, did he whip out a dollar bill?
• If you filled a humidifier with wax, would it shine the room?
• I have a microwave fireplace. I laid in front of it for the evening in 7 minutes.
• I busted a mirror & got 7 years bad luck; my lawyer says he can get me five.
• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.
• If my foot falls asleep during the day; that means it’s gonna be up all night.
• I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… But she left me before we met.
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
• I intend to live forever…. So far, so good.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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The Wisdom Of Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
Yogi Berra Quotes
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.”
“No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“You can observe a lot by just watching.”
“I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.” – Yogi Berra
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Cranky Mark Twain Quotes
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Following the Equator
“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.” — Mark Twain in Eruption
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.” — Mark Twain in Eruption
“It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.” — What is Man?
“This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.” — On April Fool’s Day, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar
“Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.” — Notebook (1898)
“Jane Austen? Why I go so far as to say that any library is a good library that does not contain a volume by Jane Austen. Even if it contains no other book.” — Remembered Yesterdays
“It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.” — On the Bible, Letters from the Earth
“There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him — early.” — Notebook (1898)
“I have damaged my intellect trying to imagine why a man should want to invent a repeating clock, and how another man could be found to lust after it and buy it. The man who can guess these riddles is far on the way to guess why the human race was invented–which is another riddle which tires me.” — On cuckoo clocks, Letter to Henry H. Rogers (1894)
“I like criticism, but it must be my way.” — Autobiography of Mark Twain
“Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble.” — Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1902-1903
“Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.” — Letter to Henry H. Rogers (1905)
“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.” — Following the Equator
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.” — Notebook (1887)
“I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.” — Speech (1907)
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.” — Notebook (1902)
“I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot and kill him.” — Autobiography of Mark Twain
“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.” — The Mysterious Stranger
“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”
“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.” — What Is Man?
“All human rules are more or less idiotic, I suppose. It is best so, no doubt. The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.” — Following the Equator
“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals — apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.” — Mark Twain’s Notebook
“All good things arrive unto them that wait and don’t die in the meantime.”
A recently widowed and ill Mark Twain wrote this letter to a salesman who tried to sell him a phony medication.
Nov. 20. 1905
Your letter is an insoluble puzzle to me. The handwriting is good and exhibits considerable character, and there are even traces of intelligence in what you say, yet the letter and the accompanying advertisements profess to be the work of the same hand. The person who wrote the advertisements is without doubt the most ignorant person now alive on the planet; also without doubt he is an idiot, an idiot of the 33rd degree, and scion of an ancestral procession of idiots stretching back to the Missing Link. It puzzles me to make out how the same hand could have constructed your letter and your advertisements. Puzzles fret me, puzzles annoy me, puzzles exasperate me; and always, for a moment, they arouse in me an unkind state of mind toward the person who has puzzled me. A few moments from now my resentment will have faded and passed and I shall probably even be praying for you; but while there is yet time I hasten to wish that you may take a dose of your own poison by mistake, and enter swiftly into the damnation which you and all other patent medicine assassins have so remorselessly earned and do so richly deserve.
Adieu, adieu, adieu!
Twain wrote this letter to his family sometime after Olivia Langdon accepted his marriage proposal in 1869.
My dear Mother & Brother & Sisters & Nephew & Niece, & Margaret:
This is to inform you that on yesterday, the 4th of February, I was duly & solemnly & irrevocably engaged to be married to Miss Olivia L. Langdon, of Elmira, New York. Amen. She is the best girl in all the world, & the most sensible, & I am just as proud of her as I can be.
It may be a good while before we are married, for I am not rich enough to give her a comfortable home right away, & I don’t want anybody’s help. I can get an eighth of the Cleveland Herald for $25,000, & have it so arranged that I can pay for it as I earn the money with my unaided hands. I shall look around a little more, & if I can do no better elsewhere, I shall take it.
I am not worrying about whether you will love my future wife or not —if you know her twenty-four hours & then don’t love her, you will accomplish what nobody else has ever succeeded in doing since she was born. She just naturally drops into everybody’s affections that comes across her. My prophecy was correct. She said she never could or would love me — but she set herself the task of making a Christian of me. I said she would succeed, but that in the meantime she would unwittingly dig a matrimonial pit & end up tumbling into it — & lo! the prophecy is fulfilled. She was in New York a day or two ago, & George Wiley & his wife Clara know her now. Pump them, if you want to. You shall see her before very long.
Love to all. Affect’ly
P.S. Shall be here a week.
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” – Sharon Stone
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.” – Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods
“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” – Rev. Jesse Jackson
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” – Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” – Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” – Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.” – Jerry Seinfield
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Rod Stewart
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams
Gotta Love Phyllis Diller
Some Of Her Best
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor ..
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last half of the 20th century he was doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of the funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best.
1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fuc king hatreds!