Jokes – Misc #2

A Peek Inside Martha Stewart's Calendar:
Jan. 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for Jan.
Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5: Make a new Faberge egg.
Jan 6: Freshen air in home; place 12 Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books; cross out people I don’t know.
Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus.
Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for friends w/elderly relatives, so they’re ready to go
Jan 14: Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener.
Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16: Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
Jan 17: Plan repainting of Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
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F My Life #1
Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989″. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML

Today, my parents reorganized my whole room when I was out watching a movie with a friend. They got rid of everything they deemed as junk which included my favorite childhood toy, 2 essays due tomorrow, and my old jacket where I keep my money. I’m out $75, and stuck at home rewriting my essays. FML

Today, I went on a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said “until your acne clears, we are NOT together.” FML

Today, my parents yelled at me for 10 minutes without letting me get a word in edgewise for getting a 48 on my test. They took my phone, unplugged my internet, and took my car keys. They wouldn’t listen no matter how many times I told them “It was out of 50″. It actually was. FML

Today, I took a quiz my math teacher gave us. He claimed it was “Impossible” for anyone to get a perfect score on it. I honestly didn’t know any of the answers, and guessed on the whole thing. Apparently, I got them all right. He accused me of cheating and gave me a double zero. FML

Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn’t home since I couldn’t bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML

Today, is the day my husband was supposed to come home from a six month tour at sea. I heard the door bell ring. I sprinted to the door expecting to hold my honey bear, instead two uniformed sailors with a folded flag greeted me. I burst into tears. My husband walked up behind me. He laughed. FML

Today, a woman threw her car in reverse at an intersection and backed up into me, while I was at a complete stop. She called the cops accusing me of rear ending her. I now have a $146 ticket for reckless driving, and around $2,500 in damage to the front of my car. She’s suing for me damages. FML

Today, I was wearing my workout clothes that consist of short shorts and a tank top and was walking to my car. I then heard a bunch of men whistling and saying “Who’s your daddy?” and “Why don’t you come over here, cutie.” As I got closer I realized that it was my dad and his friends. FML

Today, I was out to dinner with my little sister when this elderly woman sitting alone started choking and I rushed over and started doing the Heimlich Maneuver, She’s now pressing charges on me for assault. I’m a paramedic. FML

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said “Yes”. FML

Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML

Today, an old girlfriend from years ago wanted to have lunch. Seeing as I had nothing to do, I went with her. She introduced me to her son. Apparently I am the father. My son is 6. FML

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML
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F My Life #2
Today, in class, I was sitting behind this very beautiful girl who I like a lot. The teacher said something and I made a joke about it, which made the girl I like and the class laugh. The girl then turned around and said to me, “Chris, you would be the coolest kid if you were hot.” FML

Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic cause I’ve dropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that I wasn’t anorexic. They jokingly asked “Do you have cancer or something?” All I could do was stare at my feet. That wasn’t exactly how I wanted them to find out. FML

Today, I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained saying I caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized only to hear my girlfriend’s voice call from the background: “Baby, who’s there?” FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML

Today, I told my mom I am bulimic and have been for a few years and that I need help. She responded by saying “Well that’s clearly not working for you. Why don’t you try anorexia.” She then patted me on my head, smiled, and walked away. FML

Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of supermarket. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML

Today, my fiancé’s parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. I’m a vegetarian. They had names. FML

Today, I had to break the news to my husband that I had miscarried our first child. To which he replied, “Thank God” and told me he wanted a divorce. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were planning to have dinner plans at 6. I called her at 6:09 asking where she was (I was at the restaurant waiting) and she said “I’m at McDonalds with Jessica call u later?” I then had to get my waiter to tell him to remove the ring from the dessert so I could go home. FML

Today, it’s my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist’s office singing me happy birthday. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I’d ever had. The trouble was, it wasn’t about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML
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F My Life #3
Today, a customer that I’ve been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, “Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How’d you do it?” He replied, “I got cancer.” FML

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? “No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls.” FML

Today, I walked into work after being completely wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying “crazy girl dances on tables at local bar”. So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

Today, at a strategy session my manager displayed a flow chart of his employees. I wasn’t included. Apparently I had been fired and they forgot to tell me. FML

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming “No bad touch bad touch!” and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

Today, I went in for my 2nd day working at my internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the drunk voicemails I left them on Saturday. FML

Today, I was at work. I work at a grocery store and a woman pulls a cart to me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her “Looks like you are going to have a fun party” she then looks at me and says “My mother just died, this is for after the funeral. FML

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn’t use it. Now I can’t find it. FML

Today, my fiancé “thought I should know” that she has a $125,000 in student loan debt. FML

Today, I spent $400 at the strip club and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was tranny-night. FML
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F My Life #4
Today, 3 days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiance is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just cancelled a $200,000 wedding. I would go into more detail, but I have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML

Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML

Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medical school. FML

Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Today, I was reported to my principal because someone caught me shooting up at the cafeteria lunch table and as a result I have been suspended from school. I am a diabetic, I was giving myself insulin before I ate crappy school food. FML

Today, my boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed, told me all the things he loved about me, got down on one knee and pulled out the little blue box I had been hoping for, for so long. He opened the box and there was a note inside that said, “April Fools!” FML

Today, it’s my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to Itunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML

Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn’t sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, “I got your best friend pregnant”. FML

Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano. FML

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of only two weeks. As we were dancing, another woman grabbed my ass from behind me and squeezed. I yelped and turned around to see my mother as the culprit. My girlfriend punched her. I found out my mother is a Cougar and my girl has a mean right hook. FML

Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she’s pregnant. I’ve been sterile since the day I was born. FML

Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

Today, I found out my mother has another new boyfriend. She told me she wanted me to meet him, and I reluctantly agreed. When I walked out to meet him in the living room, to my surprise, I knew him. He’s 18, my mother is 44. He also happens to be in my second period high school math class. FML.

Today, my fiancee broke up with me. Via a myspace message. While we were in the same apartment. FML

Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad’s secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it’s no big deal. FML

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

Today, I spent $160 on a spa package for me and my best friend because her boyfriend just broke up with her, and she has been really upset for the past week. Turns out her boyfriend broke up with her because she had been cheating on him. With MY boyfriend. FML

Today, I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing feild is a 1/2 mile run away any bathrooms so I headed towards the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys cross country team ran by… laughing. FML

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn’t feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women’s restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

Today, I got a letter from Princeton that said i got accepted. I jumped for joy screaming at the top of my lungs. My little brother walks in laughing with his camcorder on record. He played a joke on me and gave me the real letter. I was denied. FML

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989″. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML

Today, my parents reorganized my whole room when I was out watching a movie with a friend. They got rid of everything they deemed as junk which included my favorite childhood toy, 2 essays due tomorrow, and my old jacket where I keep my money. I’m out $75, and stuck at home rewriting my essays. FML

Today, I went on a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said “until your acne clears, we are NOT together.” FML
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Snowboarding Lessons
When you’re 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: “Just because you’ve reached middle age, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.”

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. “I’ll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets” is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, “Cool.”

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if you’re OK, you say, “I’m just catching my breath!” in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you’re going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you’re planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought I’d take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can’t stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. It’s a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who’s going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

Step One: Watching Brad do something.

Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

I’d struggle to my feet, and I’d be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

“Keep your knees bent!” Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, “Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!”

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadn’t gotten out of there, they’d have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, I’ll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you’ll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.
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New Financial Terms
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no se x.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
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You're Between Baby Boomer and Generation X If . . .
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back pocket was cool.

2. Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar turned up.

3. You know any “Weird Al” Yankovic songs by heart.

4. You’ve ever rung someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark!”

5. You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.

6. You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its predecessor, “Friday Night Videos.”

7. You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end of the century and playing Prince’s “1999″ until you passed out partying.

8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.

9. You remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was alternative, and when “alternative comedy” was really funny.

10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.

11. (Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you.

12. You’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: “You know, back when…,” “When I was your age…,” or “When I was younger…”

13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things like grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way you can recite the Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)

14. You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper or Duran Duran video.

15. You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while either “Leather and Lace” or “Crazy for You” was playing.

16. You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets (or the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.

17. The age-old question “Where’s the beef?” still makes you laugh.

18. You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly have more advanced special effects than “TRON.”

19. You had a crush on Ted the photographer on “Love Boat,” Gage from “Emergency,” or Ponch from “CHIPS.”

20. Your hair at some point in time in the ’80s could only be described by saying “I was experimenting.”

21. You’ve ever shopped at Benetton.

22. You’re starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

23. You’re currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.

24. U2 is too popular and mainstream for you now.

25. You remember trying to guess which episode of “The Brady Bunch” it was by the first scene.

26. You had a front-row seat (i.e., blew off one or more classes) for Luke and Laura’s wedding on “GH.”

27. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway.

28. You know who shot J.R.

29. You recall when Love’s Baby Soft was in every girl’s Christmas stocking.

30. This rings a bell: “My name is Charlie, and they work for me.”

31. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on. (Related item: you were sure that “New Coke” would NEVER catch on.)

32. You know all the words to the double-album set of the “Grease” soundtrack.

33. You’ve ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

34. You sat with your friends on any given Friday night circa 1982 and dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny was actually there.

35. “All skate, change directions” means something to you.

36. You’ve ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.

37. You bought a pair of Vans and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli. (Related item: if you’ve ever smacked yourself in the head with a shoe and exclaimed, “I’m so wasted!”)

38. You owned a Preppy Handbook.

39. You were too young to see “Blue Lagoon,” so you just had to settle for the second-hand reports.

40. You remember when movies were only PG and R.

41. You learned to swim at about the same time “Jaws” came out . . . and still carry the emotional scars to prove it.

42. You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector switch . . . and your “cable remote” was connected to the TV by CORD!

43. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka.

44. You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worst of all-what Sheriff Roscoe’s full name was.

45. Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table.

46. You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

47. You remember having a rotary phone.

48. You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke.

49. “Members Only” jackets…say no more.

50. And lastly, I’ll make a song stick in your head for the rest of the day: … you actually remember the words to the theme song of “The Greatest American Hero.” (“BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I’M WALKIN’ ON AIR…I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE…”)
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(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass outta this
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
[_!_] a hard ass
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Happy New Year
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with a call to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on y our head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician . . .

And I know it’s ALL TRUE because I read it on the internet!

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity reads their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late :- ) LOL

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Mind Games Dogs Can Play With Humans
To the Viewer:
This message is intended for dogs only!
If you have not yet taught your dog how to read, please read it to them.

After your humans give you a bath, Don’t let them towel dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then, when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go “pee”, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go “poo”. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag or scooper. Bonus points for well manicured lawns — double points if the property owner is sitting on his porch.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. Look as if you’re being mistreated, search the stranger’s eyes seeking pity.

Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door, look around frequently as if danger is lurking and you just want to protect your human.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Have fun playing with your human!
They make such interesting pets.
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The Evolution Of A Math Problem
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1998 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

2003 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
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Darwin Awards Motto's
1. The tree of life is self pruning.
2. I think not, therefore I am not.
3. Stupidity is a capitol offense.
4. Tragic Proof of a Missing ‘Why?’ Chromosome.
5. Tales From the Shallow End (of the gene pool)
6. Dumb, Dumber, Darwin
7. Evolution Takes a Detour
8. “Never bring a knife to a gunfight.”
9. “You said there’s always worse, so technically you asked for this…”
10. All people improve the gene pool, some by birth, some by their demise.
11. Darwin Awards: Gene Therapy
12. “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!”
13. Sperm: To be fastest doesn’t imply that you are smartest.
14. Live and learn. Or you won’t live long.
15. Darwin Awards: The Martyrs of Evolution.
16. Natural laws have no pity.
17. James Thurber said, “He who hesitates… is sometimes saved.”
18. God’s H.R. Department
19. “Fool proof systems do not take into account the ingenuity of fools.”
20. “I heard one bloke say that when he goes, he’d like to go peacefully in his sleep, not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
21. Pain is the price of stupidity.
22. The Extinction of Species
23. Natural Selection in Action
24. Population Control Volunteers
25. Chlorinating the Gene Pool
26. Die and Learn.
27. Pissing in the gene pool.
28. Nature’s way of saying goodbye.
29. A Fool and His Life Are Soon Parted
30. One gene short of a chromosome.
31. Stupid Human Tricks
32. I saw a book titled “Sex for Dummies” and wondered why anyone would teach dumb people how to reproduce?
33. (gene pool) Lifeguard Is Now Off Duty
34. Dysfunctional Genomics
35. Unnatural Selection
36. Sometimes You Darwin, Sometimes You Darlose
37. A ounce of common sense is worth more than a ton of intelligence.
38. Where the gene pool thins to a mere trickle
39. Are You Missing a Helix?
40. And We Are the Top of the Food Chain?
41. Why? Because!
42. Adding Insult to Injury
43. Stupidity is its own reward.
44. Evolution Fights Back
45. Life-guarding the Gene Pool
46. Stupid is as stupid does.
47. Stupid is as stupid dies
48. Making the Human Race Smarter, One Idiot at a Time.
49. If Teaching Evolution is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Evolve.
50. Death by Natural Selection
51. Evolution’s Revenge
52. Famous Last Words I: I bet no one’s ever done this be…
53. Famous Last Words II: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
54. Famous Last Words III: Watch this!
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My wife just left, and the well went dry.
My horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
And the road washed out on the way to town.

Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
And they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke,
So I can’t even sit and read and smoke.

A tree fell on the chicken shed,
And most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
And this old shack is about to fall.

Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
And sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
And my watch stopped working and I’ve got the gout.

And the bank foreclosed, so I’ve lost my place,
And my cow disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
And I lost my job and a whole lot more.

I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
As things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
To top off the worst ….. my wife’s coming back!
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Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’
(Is this a great country or what?
Well,… not as great as Guam!)

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN – I may not answer the questions the way that the moderator might like to hear them, but the way that I know Joe Sixpack and the hockey moms want to hear it. I can see both sides of the road from my house. But what’s important is that we not look backward to where the chicken has been, also to look forward and see that the chicken is a maverick who was bold and a real hero for going against his own flock.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’ s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

COLONEL SANDERS: Damn – I missed one.
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Bad Taste Michael Jackson Jokes
Warning: These are in incredibly bad taste so if you don’t like making fun of a dead peta-file stop reading, and go on to the next section.

• When Farrah Fawcett arrived at heaven and God granted her 1 wish, she wished for all the children to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.
• Michael Jackson is dead. Hospital staff doesn’t know what to do with the body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday.
• Paramedics knew Jackson was in trouble when they found him lying on the floor blowing Bubbles.
• In memorial of The King of Pop’s death McDonalds have brought out a Jackson burger. A 50 year old piece of meat shoved between 8 year old buns. I did warn you!
• Jacksons will states that his body is to be melted down and turned into a Playstation so kids will still play with him.
• Why did Jacko go to JC Penny’s?
He heard boys’ pants were half off.
• What was the difference between Michael Jackson and pimples?
Pimples come on your face after you reach puberty.
• How did kids know when it’s time to go to bed in Michael Jackson’s house?
It’s when the big hand touches the little hand
• Michael Jackson’s undertakers are confused whether to cremate his body or throw a Tupperware party.
• Michael Jackson has died in a tragic accident. Government sources have warned about the dangers of eating 12 year old sausage.
• Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack this morning, he found out that BOYS 2 MEN was a band and not a delivery service!
• The jockeys at tomorrows horse race are wearing black armbands in commemoration of Michael Jackson as the king of pop, successfully road more three year olds than anyone else
• The story about Michael Jackson’s death is a lie, he was found in the children’s hospital having a stroke
• The coroner report is in. He died from food poisoning. He ate 6 year old nuts.

Hey don’t blame me; you’re the one who kept reading.
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Golf - What It All Means
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again.’

A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex……
#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09…. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07.. Foursomes are encouraged.
#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05…. Three times a day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03… If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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Police Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the __________ Police Department voice mail.

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press1.

To inquire whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem,
press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

To tell us that you know the Chief of Police and or some other very important person and that we should respond to your problem immediately, press 7.

To sue us, tell us you’ll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim that our career is over, press 8.

To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.
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Tube Drivers On The London Underground
Below are genuine announcements made by Tube Drivers on the London Underground. (The Tube is the London subway system).
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.”

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close… The doors reopen. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again. Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly…usually in bits.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologies for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologies for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…’.”

“We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that.”

“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, towels are not provided.”

“Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with: ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘Stand Clear of the Doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train – put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your #@&%! – sideways.”
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Customer Service Card On Your Recent Purchase Of A Government Official
Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine American Government Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your American Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary – Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary – Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your American Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply.

__ TV ad
__ Magazine/newspaper ad
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with
__ Texas crony of
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist
__ Recommended by organized crime figure
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my church.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your American Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
__ Forestall military action against self/allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental activist/foreigners.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Performance of currently owned model
__ Reputation
__ Price
__ Appearance
__ Party affiliation
__ Professed beliefs of American Government Official[tm]
__ Actual beliefs of American Government Official[tm]
__ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
__ Blackmail
__ Celebrity endorsement

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned American Government Official[tm]? ______

If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs
__ Out-bribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a American Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy!
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Movie Ratings Explained
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.
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Star Trek Future
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I’d zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!

On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the “alien possession” defense is credible.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor’s dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor’s dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away.

In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn’t make much noise, so it wouldn’t disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I’ll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor’s dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.

And if that doesn’t work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction.

If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I’ve seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you’d use most.

I’d love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I’d like that. I’d program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said, “Target Locked On”.

It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I’d have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.

I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility.

Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.

The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you’re at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners.

But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can’t make it to the service.

I wish I had an invisible force field. I’d use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I’d probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.

I wouldn’t need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.

Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times.

It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident: “I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.”

I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable.

Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet.

The most common sounds in corporate America would be, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a bigger raise, but… erk!”

And that’s why the future won’t be like Star Trek.
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Best T-shirts of the Summer
This was in the “Bob Levey’s Washington” column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the “Best T-shirts of the Summer”
1. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
2. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
3. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
4. If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
5. At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All…I Just Can’t Remember It All
6. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
7. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
8. If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
9. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
10. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
11. No, It Doesn’t Hurt (on a “well-tattooed gentleman”)
12. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
13. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
14. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
15. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About
16. I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
17. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
18. Coffee, Chocolate, Men…Some Things Are Just Better Rich
19. Liberal Arts Major…Will Think For Money
20. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
21. Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law.
22. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
23. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
24. The Old Pro…Often Wrong…Never In Doubt
25. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You
26. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
27. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
28. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.
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Guess The Instructions
Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer – NO CHEATING!

1.Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.


Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom)
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Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.
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Things Weve Learned From Americas Funniest Home Videos
This show isn’t just a staple of American television; it’s also a guidebook for sensible living. Here’s what we’ve learned from “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

• Stay away from kids trying to hit a piñata.
• If you’re wearing a wedding dress, never try to ride a horse.
• An acronym doesn’t always have to contain a letter for each word in the thing for which it is an acronym.
• Grandpa’s pants are, in all likelihood, ill-fitting.
• Homemade bike ramps should only be used by, well, nobody.
• Babies sometimes fall asleep while sitting up.
• Many beams are lower than you’d think.
• If you touch a dog in a certain place, they bare their teeth and growl in an amusing way.
• People are sometimes startled when they’re woken up from a nap by loud noises.
• If you shoot enough video, somebody, somewhere is eventually going to make a basket from half-court.
• The tree you cut down is going to fall in a direction you didn’t expect.
• Before using a barbell, make sure the weights are secured on both sides.
• Kids getting hit in the face, not funny. Kids getting hit in the face on video, funny.
• Noses and parrots are natural enemies. Same goes for lizards.
• Children aren’t always respectful when it comes to not pulling off a relative’s toupee at a family gathering.
• Most swings have weight limits that are less than you’d suspect.
• Cats can be clumsy, especially when they’re around TVs.
• Many people think you’ll call your significant other the wrong name during the heat of passion, but we all know it will probably happen during your wedding ceremony.
• Baseballs like testicles.
• When it comes to backyard trampolines, “What goes up, must end up with a contusion.”
• Llamas spitting is not an urban myth.
• The walls of many aboveground swimming pools appear to be made of a material similar to rice paper.
• The false teeth of many elderly people aren’t affixed properly.
• Birthday cakes and wobbly tables don’t mix. It should also be noted that birthday cakes have the inexplicable ability to attract the human face like a magnet.
• Pets don’t really talk, but sometimes it sounds like it.
• Nothing good can come from pogo sticks.
• Lifting someone over your head while dancing intoxicated could lead to an unfortunate, albeit humorous, accident.
• Many Christmas trees stands aren’t made to withstand the weight of the tree and a person.
• Everything, yes everything, is funnier when accompanied by a wacky sound effect.
• Any host of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” is likely to be the most bland, unfunny individual ever to appear on television.
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Buying Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.


Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.

Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.
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Dirty Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad…
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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I Love This Doctor!

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening…. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!! ________________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And Remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “WOO HOO, What a Ride!”
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The Top Surprises That Were Supposed To Be In the Re-Mastered Star Wars
• New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
• The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba’s big brother, Pizza the Hut.
• During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2′s special attachment.
• Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.
• He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader’s seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
• Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin’ goatees.
• Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian
• Land speeders replaced with bitchin’ pink Miatas
• Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker’s wacky Mexican caddy
• Darth Vader’s voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks him in the groin
• Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of Trekkies
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Know Your State Motto
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It, Yet!
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Got Peaches Ya’ll
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense, From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Las Vegas And A Big Airbase
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A Stinkin’ Motto? I Got Yer Stinkin’ Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney…
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State IS THAT ‘WRITE’, CUZIN PAUL?
Utah: White Bread And Mayonnaise Sums Us Up Pretty Much
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared!
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Martha Stewart Explains Jewish Food
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple -sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
It’s a GOOD thing.

The Egyptians’ revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water – no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.

Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles).Why a bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that ‘You can’t come to the table without a tie’ or, G-d forbid ‘An elbow on my table?’

Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: ‘Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland – shortage of sour cream expected.’ Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.

You know from Haggis? Well, this ain’t it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.

It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a rabbinical debate on its origins. One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.

This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: ‘What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!’ My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.

Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented ‘Is that why we call it ‘Ge Filtered Fish’?’ Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish (‘chrain’) which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don’t know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn’t get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn’t take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.
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Rejected Hallmark Greetings
My tire was thumping….
I thought it was flat….
when I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat… Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you’re on the mends….
here’s a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You’ve announced that you’re gay,
won’t that be a laugh,
when they find out you’re one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
‘Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you…
How upset you must be…
But don’t fret about it ….
She moved in with me

You totaled your car…
and can’t remember why…
could it have been…
that case of Bud Dry?

So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day…
Look at the bright side,
she’s a really good lay.

Other rejected ideas:

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.

I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again!

We have been friends for a very long time.
What say we call it quits?

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (Available only in certain southern States)
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The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan

And none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA
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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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I Love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest
I love my office and its location, I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won’t care. I love each program and every file.
I’d love them more if they worked a while.
I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.
I’m the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job – I’ll say it again – I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who’ve come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!
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How Cold Is Cold Is A Matter Of Degree
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don’t start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don’t start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don’t start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don’t start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don’t start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don’t start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
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Real News Headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies – Because kids taste really good!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted – Whip those kids that will teach them!

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? – Now that’s just dirty.
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope – How much did they charge him?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over – What a guy!
Eye Drops off Shelf – Hey, I’ve been looking for that thing!
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids – If there just sitting around, hit um!
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim – The dog’s just too old to do it himself
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax – I told you that mad cow disease was spreading
Stolen Painting Found by Tree – Those trees are just after the reward money.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years – Only in the American justice system does it take this long to kill someone.
War Dims Hope for Peace – It’s an oldy but a goody!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures – You didn’t go to school for meteorology did you?
Dear Kill 17,000 – Damn mass murdering dear!
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction – Let me guess it cost him an arm and a leg! (Sorry it was just too easy) ;~(
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft – It was probably something he ate
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks – Tasty too!
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Don't Mess With Mom Or Dad
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

“Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”

It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
And it’s illegal too!

Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts & pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn’t care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

And I’ve canceled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I’ll decide what’s best.

I said “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.

He asked “Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is
a roof for over your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
and I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the “Parents Bill of Rights,”
It’s in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?
click here to close

Sexual Lines From The Star Wars Trilogy
‘She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.’
‘Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘Sorry about the mess…’
‘You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.’
‘Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘She’s fast enough for you, old man.’

‘I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?’
‘That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.’
‘Hurry up, golden-rod.’
‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’
‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’
‘Possible, he came through the south entrance.’
‘But now we must eat, Come…good food, come…’
‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’
‘And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.’
‘Control, control, you must learn control!’

‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’
‘Hey Luke, thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one.’
‘You’re a jittery little thing aren’t you?’
‘In time you will call me master.’
‘A little higher, just a little higher.’
‘I never knew I had it in me.’
‘Grab it, almost…you almost got it. Gently now, alright, easy, easy…’
‘Hey, point that thing someplace else!’
‘What could possibly have come over Master Luke?’
‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’
click here to close

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