A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A Wives Store opened across the street, also 6 floors.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through the sixth floors have never been visited.
Make Women Happy - Demerit Point System Explained
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
AT A PARTY
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
7 Kinds Of Sex
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ‘Screw you.’
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”
Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Man: “Your place or mine?”
Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Light Bulb PMS
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…
Man Explains Men to Women
This one is for those of you women who have long searched to understand the intricate workings of the opposite sex. I hope this explanation helps to clarify some “grey areas.”
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me to change the channel back because you think the commercials are over. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back. There was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something, it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
5) If you don’t like the way I am driving, close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do, it will be your fault.
6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8 ) Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
9) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
10) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
1. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
2. A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland
3. A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry
4. Ah Mozart! He was happily married…but his wife wasn’t. — Borge
5. Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy.
6. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
7. And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise. – William Shakespeare
8. Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
9. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
10. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
11. Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
12. English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
13. Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd
14. Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
15. I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.
16. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin
17. I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
18. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’? — Phyllis Diller
19. I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
20. If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…” – sometimes they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner
21. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don’t stand in her way.
22. Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde
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The Last 10 Things Men and Women Would Say
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool m@therf*ker.
9. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her t!ts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. The chick in “Murder She Wrote” gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I’d love to wear a c@ndom.
3. We haven’t been to the mall in ages. Let’s go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. F@*k “Monday Night Football,” let’s watch “Oprah”.
1. I think we’re lost, we’d better pull over and ask for directions.
The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say
Why Denial Is So Important In A Marriage
‘Nice threads, man,’ commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. ‘Where’d you pick ‘em up?’ Richard beamed. ‘My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?’ ‘I’ll say. What was the occasion?’ ‘Got me,’ admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. ‘I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom.’
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Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An On-Line Affair
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He’s gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your “software”.
4. Lipstick on the mouse.
3. During sex, she screams “A colon backslash enter insert!”
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone’s butt.
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
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A Woman’s Life
A Woman’s Perfect Breakfast
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Cigarettes And Tampons
Wife Vs. Husband
The Silent Treatment
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Fun Things To Do On A Blind Dates
Most of these dates are bad from the start so you might as well have some fun with it.
1. Eat everything on your plate within seconds of it being placed in front of you.
2. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
3. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
4. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
5. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
6. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
7. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
8. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
9. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
10. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
11. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
12. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
13. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
14. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
15. Auction your date off for silverware.
16. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
17. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
18. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
19. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
20. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
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A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.
The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”
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Things Not To Say During Childbirth
• Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
• Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
• I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
• If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
• That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
• When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
• You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
• This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
• Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
• Stop your swearing and just breathe.
• Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
• Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
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Why Aren’t You Married?
Here are some comebacks:
• You haven’t asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
• I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
• I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
• I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren’t you thin?
• I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
• Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
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Diary Of A Viagra Housewife
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When the time came to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Men And Women Compared!
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as Lard-Ass, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!
DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail….
LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (I invite any woman to prove me wrong! : )
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, ‘Honey, do you remember this?’
He looked up from his newspaper and said; ‘Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married’
She said, ‘Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?’
He nodded and said ‘Yes dear’, I said; ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and shag your brains out.’
She giggled and said; ‘So now it’s fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?’
He looked her up and down and said; ‘Mission Accomplished’.
“Are you male or female?” Take this test and find out for sure.
Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are:
b. almost a dozen
When parking your car in a public garage you:
You haven’t shaved in 4 days. The resulting stubble can be construed as:
At the doctor’s, a common request would be:
As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
When you’re feeling insecure, what you say to your best friend is:
You’ve slept with several hundred people, one term used to describe you would be:
The age it hits home that junk food will devastate your body is:
When you hear the words “hand wash,” the first thing that comes to your mind is:
It’s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs. The man at bat has a .338 average against southpaws, and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you and says “Do you want a back rub?” You are:
Your idea of basic pump is:
Multiple Org@sms are something you:
0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of the money, and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means you will live longer, have your choice of wearing either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select few of your sex can look forward to being president someday.
And Then The Fight Started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
And then the fight started…
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started….
and then the fight started…..
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started …
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying” Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday. I’d like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
He leaned over to his wife with a big smile lovingly asked,
“I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Advice & Observations
• If your wife parks the car, don’t sit there and insist she do it properly…walking to the curb is good exercise
• Personally, I’ve found the easiest way to get my wife to change her mind is to agree with her
• And guys, when you’re wrong — you’re wrong. Approach your wife in a straight-forward manner and lie about everything
• If you ever play poker with a woman, make sure they know in advance that four Kings still beats four Queens
• Always make sure you weigh yourself only on those days where everything’s already gone wrong, and the day’s ruined anyway
• It may be true that life begins at 40, but everything else seems to wear out, fall out or spread out
• You can always tell a woman who’s looking for the perfect relationship…she’s either single or married
• The most effective way to remember your spouse’s birthday is to forget it, just once
• Bigamy is having one wife too many…some say monogamy is the same thing
• Some people think life begins at conception; others think it begins at birth. Still others know that life begins when the kids move out
• My son wanted a smart wife who’s a good mother that would make him happy. I told him he’d better make up his mind
• Guys, you know you’re over the hill when a pretty girl arouses your memory and nothing else
• Any girl who finds it possible to resist every attempt to seduce her should be going out with smarter men
• When wine, women and song become too much for ya,…always give up the singing first
• There’s a lot to be said for dating intellectual women. The can think up excuses your wife will believe
• Never pour black coffee into an intoxicated person. All you’ll have is a wide-awake drunk on your hands
• In closing, let me say, please remember, even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess
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(short for asshole, a common French root used to identify the element)
An alternative version of the “Woman” elemental description is given below:
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded. ‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.
She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard! you’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room. ‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’ ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’ The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th Affair
‘No,’ he insisted, I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ I know,’ she replied. Now just rest and let the poison work.
Top Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
17. “I finished the Oreo’s.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
15. “Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever.”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons guy.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous. Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant…
1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger.”
Advice For Woman
Advice to be passed on to your mom, your daughters or granddaughters, nieces, aunts, girlfriends, etc.
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man — unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
14. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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How To Handle Communication
Why is it that my wife says we don’t communicate enough, and then when I ask her what’s wrong she says: “Nothing”?
I used to spend an hour trying to console her on these occasions, but I’ve come to believe this is encouraging a “Martyr Complex” that is counter-productive.
So these days when I suspect something might be amiss, I ask “What’s wrong”. If she says “Nothing”, I respond, “Ok, our relationship is based in trust and honesty, and nothing would destroy it faster than a lack of communication, so I’ll take you at your word, and go back to [reading my email/playing a game/watching TV, etc.].”
It’s not my fault anymore, it’s now hers, and it actually seems to be working.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
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Valentine's Day -- Getting to the Heart of the Matter
One of my many responsibilities as a columnist is to save your life. I do this by alerting you to certain seasonal dangers that, because of one thing or another (including your being about as sharp as a marble), are frequently overlooked.
The season that I’m speaking, of course, is Valentine’s Day. Whether you want it to or not, Valentine’s Day will occur. If you are not prepared to act on it, bad things might happen.
For women, one of those bad things might be that you are forgotten. Valentine’s Day will come and go like any other day, except that by the end of it you will be thinking about retaining legal counsel to deal with your significant other.
If you are a man, you might do the overlooking. If that happens, something significantly heavy may impact the back of your head.
For reasons that probably are mysteries it’s more of a crime if men forget Valentine’s Day than it is if women forget it. This is because, despite all claims to the contrary, Cupid is a female. At any rate, Cupid is all about feelings. So it can’t be a guy.
If hard science is not your strong point, allow me to explain the workings of Cupid. Basically, Cupid is a winged cherub that flits about shooting darts of romance, love and special feelings into people. These people then run out and get married or arrested by a police decoy.
Women love Cupid because of these special feelings. Men only have one feeling about Cupid, and that’s that we never see the little fucker flitting around when we’re duck hunting. If we did, the world would then need a sensible new holiday. Something like Oil Change Day.
How you handle Valentine’s Day depends on something scientists refer to as a Romance IQ. Meaning how much thought do you put into romancing your spouse, special friend, or alternate personality? For guys, a lot also depends on survival instinct.
To help you figure out your RIQ, take the following test. If you score high, you probably have Valentine’s Day taken care of already. If you score low, you had better start putting some thought into it. If you can’t manage that, a lot of money will do. True or false:
_____ Cuddling contains important vitamins and minerals.
Answers: true, false, false, true, true
Valentine’s Day does not have to be an elaborate occasion unless you are a man. Then it does. Something about having a Y chromosome makes buying a sentimental card harder than solving the national debt.
Typical guy: “Should I get her the one with the picture of puppies, or the one with lots of lace? Wait, I know, some Saran Wrap.”
Females are no better. If a woman buys a card at all, it invariably contains some verse so convoluted that it might as well have been written in atomic code. “Love carries its own secrets deep into my heart where it never rains except when we want to walk in it while holding hands and staring into each other’s souls with special looks of…”
Whatever your gender, the important thing to remember about Valentine’s Day is that it’s February 14th. Plan ahead. Don’t forget.
Dear John Letter
While serving overseas far from home, a soldier was quite annoyed and upset when he received a letter from his girl breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went to each and every one of his friends and collected all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them to his girl with a note saying: “I’m sorry, but I can’t recall which one you are. Please keep your photograph and return the others.”
He also sent it postage due.
Israeli Personal Ads
These are actual Personal Ads from Israeli newspapers
I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs – religion not important.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur,Tisha B’av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B’Teves, Shiva Asar b’Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the ‘fast’ lane.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to, share your innermost thought and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Couch potato latke in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for 8 days. Who knows?
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made, looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Rules For Cheating Or Not!
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral sex does not count.
2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day, doesn’t count.
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn’t count.
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn’t count.
5. sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share.
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “did I shave my legs for this”, doesn’t count.
7. An old flame, doesn’t count.
8. An ex-spouse, doesn’t count refer to this as a “pity fuck”.
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex…not cheating.
10. Cyber-sex – NO WAY – this is glorified masturbation.
11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating.
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other.
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet “…not cheating.
16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was public right?).
17. Phone sex, doesn’t count, refer back to “glorified masturbation”.
18. In car, doesn’t count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.
20. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count, this should be considered “getting acquainted”.
21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate)…not cheating.
22. Any act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count.
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “being neighborly”.
24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.
25. Any act with your boss, doesn’t count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
NOTE: sex does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results from any of these rules!
One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.
“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”
“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.
“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”
“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”
“Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.”
“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”
Are You Sure You Know How To Do This?
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Modern Love Story!
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex … She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles. Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that?”
Because she replied, “I Really Miss Mine”
Barbequing Is A Man's Job
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is just no pleasing a woman.
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What Do You Mean?
What men and women say and what they really mean:
What a woman says, what she really means…
What a man says, what he really means…
BREAKFAST – Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH – Send your secretary out for six “gut bombers” those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK – Drink the Maalox
DINNER – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
Women Over 30 by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.
They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
Guide To Safe Fax
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old to you think someone should be before they can fax?
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
Q. I have a personal and business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason why Men Prefer Guns over women…..
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!” Then she hollered, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!” She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching!”
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
• What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
• Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
• Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
• And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
• Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
• Is that phone for me? Tell ‘em I’m not here.
• I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
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Battle Of The Sexes One-Liners
When does a woman care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Why do men get married?
What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
What did God say after creating man?
What did God say after creating Eve?
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
Why are married women heavier than single women?
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says:
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
True Love Prevails
A young man had been seriously dating three lovely young women and finally found himself faced with the dilemma of which one to marry. As a test, he gave each of the women one thousand dollars.
The first girl decided to go for a complete hair and face makeover and new wardrobe. She returned to show off her new look and said, “I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why, you ask? Because I love you, dear.”
The second girl returned with new golf equipment, new TV, DVD player, stereo and a month’s supply of beer and said, “I’ve purchased all these things for you, dear. They are my gifts to you because I love you so.”
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply, and returned the initial thousand to the young man and said, “”I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future. That is how much I love you, my darling.”
The young man was extremely impressed with all three of their responses. After giving everything long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest breasts.
Facts Of Life
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’
Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’.
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by
Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
More Pick Up Line Responses
These are suggestions for women responding to pick up lines:
Pick Up Line: I want to give myself to you
Female Response: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts
Pick Up Line: I can tell that you want me
Pick Up Line: Hey, baby, What’s your sign?
Pick Up Line: Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Pick Up Line: May I see you pretty soon?
Pick Up Line: Your body is like a temple.
Pick Up Line: I’d go through anything for you
Pick Up Line: I would go to the end of the world for you
Pick Up Line: Your place or mine?
After hearing a Pick up line: I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
If you are looking at a girl and she says “What are you looking at?” say “I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.”
Pick Up Line: Does beauty run in your family?
Pick Up Line: What’s your name sexy?
Pick Up Line: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
Pick Up Line: I think you’re the best looking girl in here
Pick Up Line: Can I buy you a drink?
Pick Up Line: You look like a dream.
Pick Up Line: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Pick Up Line: I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included
Why Do Men Die First
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries. But, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race … you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework … you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard … there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough … you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay … this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay … you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her … that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you … it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks … it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet … it’s male indifference.
If you cry … you’re a wimp.
If you don’t … you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her … you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you … she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy … that’s domination.
If SHE asks you … it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear … you’re a pervert.
If you don’t … you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape … you’re sexist.
If you don’t … you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape … you’re vain.
If you don’t … you’re a slob. If you buy her flowers … you’re after something.
If you don’t … you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements … you’re full of yourself.
If you don’t … you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache … she’s tired.
If you have a headache … you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often … you’re oversexed.
If you don’t … there must be someone else.
Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.
Difference Between Man And Woman Showering
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
What I Want In A Man
What I Want in a Man, Original List
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
The Guys' Rules!!!!!!!!!!
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
We always hear ‘ the rules’ From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered ’1′ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Female Bumper Stickers
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, i ain’t going.
3. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
4. Coffee, chocolate, men … Some things are just better rich.
5. Don’t treat me any differently than you would the queen.
6. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
7. Of course i don’t look busy…I did it right the first time.
8. Do not start with me. You will not win.
9. How can i miss you if you won’t go away?
10. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge that to let him
keep her. – Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a
Woman inspires us to do great things, and then prevents us from achieving them. –
The great question…which I have not been able to answer…is, “What does
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. –
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… – Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,’ Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: ‘Husband Wanted’.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Then there was a woman who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
‘A Woman’s Prayer:
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’
The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’
Men Are From Mars, Women Venus – The Tandem Story
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.”
“The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
“The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca – last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted:”
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Red Skelton's Recipe For The Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere….. but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust!”
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golf’s all day long, sometimes 36 holes.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.” To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?”
While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation, I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it’s tough being married to a smart ass.
He Said She Said
He said…I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you
He said…Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said…Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
He said…What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you
He said…Why don’t you tell me when you have an org@sm?
He said…Shall we try a different position tonight?
Really Safe Sex
These days, safe sex isn’t just a good idea, it’s a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you “play it safe”…
Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.
Think about parents’ nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.
Don’t fall for lines like, “God protects his servants in the clergy from harm.”
Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.
Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.
Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.
Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, “You don’t have AIDS, do you?”
You CAN get it from kissing… tear out partner’s tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.
To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.
If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.
Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.
Top Signs That You’re On Line Relationship Is Over
• All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.
• Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America On Line, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”
• Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
• You get a Dear John E-mail…Your name is Fred.
• They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
• She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
• She tells you that she’s been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
• During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be not just a grandma, but you’re GRANDMA!!
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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female…Any part under a car’s hood.
b. male…The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
4. BUTT (but) n.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
How To Start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I took my wife to a restaurant.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
And then the fight started……..
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf”
His And Hers Road Trip
Pulls off at wrong exit.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.
Hell Hath No Fury
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit… Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid quit… Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back… Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth…But only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU????
The Late Andy Rooney On Sex
1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I don’t remember which I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
Things You'll Never Hear One Woman Say To Another:
• That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
• Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I’ll go introduce myself!
• His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I’m happy for them both.
• If he doesn’t let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
• He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.
• I’m sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
• We’re redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!
• He talks our relationship to death! It’s making me crazy!
• Why can’t I find a guy who’ll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?
• I just realized — my butt doesn’t look fat in this — my butt is fat!
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The Difference Between Men And Women
Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
And Fred is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…
“Fred,” Martha says aloud.
“What?” says Fred, startled.
“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…oh dear, I feel so…”(She breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” says Fred.
“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
“There’s no horse?” says Fred.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.
“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Fred.
“That way about time,” says Martha.
“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
“Thank you, Fred,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”
And that’s the difference between men and women.
How To Impress
How To Impress A Woman:
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
How to impress a man: