|Holiday Eating Tips
I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
|Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
• Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.• When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.
• Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
• Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
• The day after Thanksgiving, just after the mid-meal leftovers, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”
|10 Rules For Thanksgiving Dinner At My House
Print and give copy to each guest that enters your home.
1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. ‘Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or there will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call will have your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR DEBIT CARDS YET!
|Things That Sound Dirty On Thanksgiving
• Talk about a huge breast!
• Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
• It’s Cool Whip time!
• If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
• Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
• I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
• Are you ready for seconds yet?
• It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
• Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
• Don’t play with your meat.
• Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
• Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
• I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
• You still have a little bit on your chin.
• How long will it take after you stick it in?
• You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
• Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
• That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
• How long do I beat it before it’s ready?
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|How To Cook A Turkey...
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!
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|Shooting The Thanksgiving Turkey
Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
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|New Turkey Recipe
You should try this!Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey.
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
The Two Minute Seder (for those with limited patience and/or restless kids) Opening Prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.) Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.
1. What’s up with the matzoh?
Answers To The Four Questions:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
A Funny Story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night. Then it was morning.
(Note: Heat soup now)
The Four Kinds Of Children and How To Deal With Them:
Wise child – explain Passover.
Speaking Of Children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The Story Of Passover:
It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare — a real yutz, as it were. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea.
We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander forty years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.
(Note: Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.
The Singing Of “Dayenu:”
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough. If he’d parted the Red Sea … etc.
(Note: Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now)
Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.
|Stereotyping People By Their Halloween Costumes
Unimaginative galsSexy witch
Unimaginative gals looking to get laid
Scooby Doo gang
Alice in Wonderland
|Top 20 Ways To Confuse Trick or Treaters
Tonight is going to be a busy night for many people – opening the door and dishing out candy and other treats – and in some cases, hiding every time the doorbell goes. Why not add a bit of spice in to your Halloween this year with some of these clever ways to confuse trick or treaters?
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand)2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”
8. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
9. Open the door and pretend to be drunk. Offer the trick or treaters a sampler of liquor (this is especially effective if the trick or treaters are with their parents) – this is a sure fire way to get rid of unwanted visitors!
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their own candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only things you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin and adore it. This is particularly effective if you live in a Southern Baptist neighborhood.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
|The Halloween Dictionary
• Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
• Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
• Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
• Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
• Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
• Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
• Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there’s housework to be done. Also, see “Mr. Hyde.”
• Jack O’ Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
• Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
• Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
• Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
• Skeleton: Any supermodel.
• Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
• Witch: See “Mother-in-Law.”
• Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
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|The Least Popular Halloween Handouts
• Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
• Teeth removing Taffy
• Metamucil in a straw
• Ex-Lax Brownies
• Caramel Covered Zucchini
• Colored Crisco on a Stick
• Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
• Chocolate Covered Prunes
• Anything that ticks!
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Happy Valentine’s Day
|Valentine's Day -- Getting to the Heart of the Matter
One of my many responsibilities as a columnist is to save your life. I do this by alerting you to certain seasonal dangers that, because of one thing or another (including your being about as sharp as a marble), are frequently overlooked.The season that I’m speaking, of course, is Valentine’s Day. Whether you want it to or not, Valentine’s Day will occur. If you are not prepared to act on it, bad things might happen.
For women, one of those bad things might be that you are forgotten. Valentine’s Day will come and go like any other day, except that by the end of it you will be thinking about retaining legal counsel to deal with your significant other.
If you are a man, you might do the overlooking. If that happens, something significantly heavy may impact the back of your head.
For reasons that probably are mysteries it’s more of a crime if men forget Valentine’s Day than it is if women forget it. This is because, despite all claims to the contrary, Cupid is a female. At any rate, Cupid is all about feelings. So it can’t be a guy.
If hard science is not your strong point, allow me to explain the workings of Cupid. Basically, Cupid is a winged cherub that flits about shooting darts of romance, love and special feelings into people. These people then run out and get married or arrested by a police decoy.
Women love Cupid because of these special feelings. Men only have one feeling about Cupid, and that’s that we never see the little *@?! flitting around when we’re duck hunting. If we did, the world would then need a sensible new holiday. Something like Oil Change Day.
How you handle Valentine’s Day depends on something scientists refer to as a Romance IQ. Meaning how much thought do you put into romancing your spouse, special friend, or alternate personality? For guys, a lot also depends on survival instinct.
To help you figure out your RIQ, take the following test. If you score high, you probably have Valentine’s Day taken care of already. If you score low, you had better start putting some thought into it. If you can’t manage that, a lot of money will do. True or false:
_____ Cuddling contains important vitamins and minerals.
Answers: true, false, false, true, true
Valentine’s Day does not have to be an elaborate occasion unless you are a man. Then it does. Something about having a Y chromosome makes buying a sentimental card harder than solving the national debt.
Typical guy: “Should I get her the one with the picture of puppies, or the one with lots of lace? Wait, I know, some Saran Wrap.”
Females are no better. If a woman buys a card at all, it invariably contains some verse so convoluted that it might as well have been written in atomic code. “Love carries its own secrets deep into my heart where it never rains except when we want to walk in it while holding hands and staring into each other’s souls with special looks of…”
Whatever your gender, the important thing to remember about Valentine’s Day is that it’s February 14th. Plan ahead. Don’t forget.
|MAFIA Valentine Card Verses
My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
I picked up this card from a slim selection
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
Violets are blue, roses are red,
Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.
When a goon makes you die,
Did you ever wonder why Santa’s Always so jolly?
It’s because he knows where all the bad girls live!
|Day After Christmas
It’s the Day After Christmas, When All Through Your House,
Those Brown Monkey Socks and That Way-Too Big Blouse,
Need to Go Back to the Store Right Away,
So No One Will See You Dressed That-A-Way!
I Mean Who in Their Right Mind Would Give Such a Thing
As a Bright-Orange Tie or a Plastic Mood Ring,
So it’s Off to the Store You Head With a Dash
Wondering Aloud Why You Didn’t Get Cash.
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|Office Christmas Party!
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources DirectorDecember 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director
|Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar
December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 Debug Windows Vista
December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.
December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent diaper with homemade potpourri.
December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.
December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.
December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the space shuttle.
December 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.
January 1 Stay out of jail.
|The Top 10 Signs That Santa Has Been Drinking
• While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.
• You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathalyzer.
• Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
• You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
• Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
• After each child, he has a Jell-O Shot.
• This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
• He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.
• Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”
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A Modern Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse
The stockings were empty, no presents were wrapped,
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dad armed with a screwdriver, ready and poised,
When off in the hall there arose a strange noise,
The thud, it turned out, was our dumb puppy Paul,
Back to his task, Dad cursed at his mess,
He wrestled with parts and fumbled with tools,
After hours of struggle, the bike finally took shape,
He stood back and gaped at the bike he just built,
His frustration grew; his voice shook as he spoke,
At this point he snapped, his thinking unclear,
He grabbed each toy’s instructions, oh why won’t he learn,
“Burn Disney, burn Huffy, to blazes with you,
As smoke filled the room, this was his first clue,
To the top of the mantle, to the top of the wall,
Soot landed on stockings and covered the tree,
The firemen came, this wasn’t going to be fun,
Out came the axe, out came the hoses,
“There’s no trouble here,” I swore up and down,
“My husband’s a good man,” I tried to explain,
The fire chief nodded and gathered his crew,
But I heard them converse as they drove out of sight,
|Workplace Festive Memo
To: All Employees
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas seasonEffective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
|The 12 Days Of Christmas In Reality
December 14My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.
What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours! Agnes
You rotten prick:
Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.
I’m calling the police on you! Agnes
What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
|Dirty Christmas Poem
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
everybody was stoned, even a mouse.The stockings were stuffed with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
The children were wrestling quietly in bed,
All of sudden there came such a clatter,
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
He snapped to his feet in a sudden flash,
He showed me the bird from his stubby little hands,
All were thrown on the Tree at the same time,
He flew up the chimney just as fast as he came down,
He whipped dasher, dancer, and prancer, and vixon,
He shrieked loudly into the pale midnight,
|Twas the Night Before Christmas - Jewish Style
Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me-we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren’t any concerts to got to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn’t a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
In search of a restaurant: “Which one? Lets decide!”
There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
We ate till we couldn’t and drank down our teas,
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
|Grandma's Christmas Fruitcake Recipe
You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
Letter To Santa
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:
Santa wrote back:
“Send me your mother…”
|Psychological Christmas Songs
SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell….
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me…
|Your Father Is Drunk
Sung to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I’m tellin’ you why,
Daddy’s home and I think he’s drunk.He’s walkin’ real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don’t even think he’s shaved in two weeks,
Daddy’s home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
You better not pout, you better not cry,
|Signs You're Sick of the Holidays
• You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes
• You’re serving reindeer pot pie
• When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!”
• You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
• You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
• Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies
• You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears
• Two words: tinsel rash
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|Does Santa Exist?
A logical perspective
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship).
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.
But since I love you so much, yes Virginia there is a Santa Clause!
Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa”
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa”
11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
17. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
18. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
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|How To Know That Santa Hates Your Kid
8. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
3. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”
1. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”
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Twas The Night After Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren’t talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn’t argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin’, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, “Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.”
I said, “Claus, I don’t know nobody named Claus, and you ain’t taking me in without probable cause.” Then the Sheriff he said, “The man was shot at last night.” I said, “That might have been me, just what’s he look like.”
The Sheriff replied, “Well he’s a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.” I said, “Sheriff that sounds like my wife’s sister Sherri.”
“It’s no time for jokes Roy” the Sheriff he said. “The man I’m describing in dressed all in red. I’m here for the truth now, it’s time to come clean. Tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you’ve seen.”
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time that I’ve spent New Years in jail. I said, “Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.”
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO’s. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red’s gutter. Well my hands were a shakin’ as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red’s chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin’. I thought he stolen Red’s stuff while old Red was out bowling’. So I yelled, “Drop fat boy, hands in the air!” But he went about his business like he hadn’t a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, “That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court.”
|Revised Christmas Days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Rating Your Christmas Parties
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you’ll be expected to throw another great party next year.
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they’ve been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
Festivity Level One:
Festivity Level Two:
Festivity Level Three:
(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four.)
Festivity Level Four:
The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you’ll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won’t have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning–their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don’t arrest anybody. Or, if they’re dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn’t you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you’re not doing anything illegal. Here’s how to handle it:
Police: “Good evening. Are you the host?”
Police: “We’ve been getting complaints about this party.”
You: “About the drugs?”
You: “About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?”
Police: “No, the noise.”
You: “Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who’s complaining about the noise? The neighbors?”
Police: “No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?”
You: “No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down.”