Jokes – Family

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I used to say to my mother, “You love my brother more then you do me.” She said “No, I hate you all equally.”
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Things I've Learned From My Boys (honest and not kidding):
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
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Family Humor
Actually the worst penalty for bigamy is having two mother-in-laws.

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left. She said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting.”
“It was postponed.” he replied. “The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn’t let him go out tonight.”

Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for an evening out: “Other kids make their Mothers too tired to want to go out — but not you two.”

Nothing ruins a neighborhood more for the average husband than when a combination enthusiastic gardener – lawn care nut moves in.
Father to his teen-aged son: “When I was your age, I would have felt lucky to have use of the family car, whether I agreed with the bumper sticker or not.”

There was a married couple who were in a terrible auto accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one, not even his wife, be told of this. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!” He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek.”

Friend of mine was using the pay phone in a bar. After he had finished he walked over and I offered to buy him a beer. “Thanks.” he said. “Boss won’t let me use the phone at work for personal calls, and the wife and two daughters won’t let me at home.”

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
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Marketing An Over-40 Barbie
Not long ago, Mattel’s famous and much-loved doll, Barbie, turned 40. Creative Marketers have been working on the new possibilities…

1. Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Cook’s Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

5. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Midlife Crisis Barbie: It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

9. Single Mother Barbie: There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

10. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!
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Mom Your Not Supposed To Take The Children’s Songs Literally
What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that?

And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pirogues? No, I bet you don’t remember that.

Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is this, a guessing game? And no one’s going to be “strumming on the ol’ banjo” in my house. I’m not stupid.

You are not a little teapot, honey. You’ve just got my hips. I’m sorry.

You’re paying far too much attention to that very, very small spider.

No, you can’t put a person in a pumpkin shell. Really, I’m starting to worry about you.

Is the old man snoring? Or is he in a coma? Because if he bumped his head and can’t get up we need to call someone. And it’s going to be tricky since it’s raining. And it’s pouring.

Well nobody asked you to carry a banjo all the way from Alabama.

I don’t care how many of them there are, get the monkeys out of the bedroom!

Again with the old man. Tell him to leave your thumb alone. What the heck is “knick-knack”? I thought he was snoring a minute ago.

A snowman is marching through town? Are you drunk?

What are you talking about, “how I wonder what you are”? It’s a star. You just said it was a star.

GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TREE. NOW.

What are you doing asking a sheep if it has wool? And I hope that’s not the same lamb that’s been following Mary around.

That’s a lot of pressure, telling someone they’re your “only sunshine.” Are your ready to take that step?

What? The bridge is falling down? For Christ’s sake stop singing!
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PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on-call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
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The Top 10 Reasons Your Disney Cruise Was Delayed
1. Pluto’s “accident” on Deck 3
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
3. Exterminator killed off “rat” problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie’s cousins.
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
5. Charo kept showing up.
6. The Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” kept eating the midnight buffet.
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the “You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride” Requirements.
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmatians was too strong.
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
10.New hires Doc, Isaac, and Gopher quit days before launch, citing that this job is not as “exciting and new” as their last one. (you really have to be a certain age to get that joke)
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Things Not To Say During Childbirth
– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
– Stop your swearing and just breathe.
– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
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You Parents Are Such Lairs
Best performance by an actress in a mommy role:
Handing the baby to my husband, and then acting surprised that she was full of poop. Done that many a time!

So maybe they won’t be firefighters:
I don’t have the energy or discipline at the end of the day to get my kids to pick up their toys. Instead I made up a fictional dwarf that lives in fire hydrants and takes kids’ toys when they are left out at night. It works! They pick up their toys but they also hate fire hydrants.

Effective, but don’t send us the therapy bills.
My three year old is terrified of bees, so every time I need her to come inside off the patio I tell her “the bees are coming! The bees are coming!” And it works every single time.

If only this mom had negotiated the debt ceiling agreement:
I encouraged my toddler to give up her pacifier at nighttime by promising her Popsicles for breakfast. : )

Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart:
Blame the messy house on my kids, when I know I was just too lazy to clean anything up.

Just like Dr. Seuss, except with a few more F-bombs
I taught my son to read to Eminem lyrics.

Santa and I are close personal friends:
I lie to my kids and tell them Santa Claus watches them from the air conditioning vent.

I told my children that I used to be an elf at the North Pole working for Santa until I got fired by a mean elf named Robin. It kept them believing when faith was waning.

Teething toy, drool catcher… is there nothing beer cannot do?
I let my infant soothe her teething gums with a cold beer bottle. She sits in my lap with me holding the bottle and she rubs her gums on the opening of the bottle. It’s an empty bottle that I keep cold just for her. It’s her favorite teether and a great drool catcher.

And broccoli gives you magic powers!
If you eat all of your green beans you will turn into a princess.

Can I have dinner at your house?
Sometimes I give my kids Oreos for dinner because I’m too tired to go through the challenge of finding something that they will both like and eat.

Sorry, nope, no more diapers.
I was frustrated with potty training, and I lied to my daughter and told her that they didn’t make diapers anymore.

And my dust bunnies have never been crisper!
Monster spray – kids had nightmares, and difficulty falling asleep, so I used spray starch (before they could read) as “Monster Spray” – would spray under the bed in and the closet – it worked very well.

Who are these short people, and why are they calling me Mommy?
My 3 year old got her nickname because I couldn’t remember her name the day after bringing her home from the hospital….so I sat on the couch looking at this little stranger who was a part of me crying and just called her “Goober.”

Fun with body parts.
My kids still call their big toe the “head honcho” because of me and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that’s not what it’s called, it’s too cute.

And finally, we salute this mom with the Honesty Award for Creative Discipline:
One day my two boys were picking at each other all day. They are 18 months apart and were 8 and 10 at the time. They just wouldn’t leave each other alone and could not get along for anything. So I took an arm from each of them — one left arm, one right arm — and tied them together with a robe belt. I told them they had to stay that way for an hour and figure out how to get along with each other. If they got worse, I’d add on another hour. One sulked the entire time while the other listened to his CD player. But they quit poking, picking and talking badly to each other. If they got that way again, I’d remind them, “Do I need to tie you two together?” My family would look at me like I was crazy until I explained the story.
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10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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What Do You Mean Your Getting Divorced!
An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The conversation goes as follows.
Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news … but your mother and I, we are getting a divorce

Son: WHAT?? You can’t! What about -

Dad: I’m sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)

The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The conversation goes as follows.

Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING A … A … DIVORCE!!

Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN’T! You stay put. I’ll call you right back!! (CLICK)

The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation goes as follows.

Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!

Dad: Honey, listen -

Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING! I’M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE’LL BE THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON’T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)

The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to align it to his liking. He looks at his wife and says “Well, they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what shall we tell them on Christmas?”
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Children's Books To Avoid
1. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.
19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
21. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
22. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
23. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
24. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
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Wearing White
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white?”

His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boys thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black…”
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Good, Bad, And Worse
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Worse: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the Woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You’re in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Worse: He’s your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Worse: Your coworkers are her best clients.
The WORST: She makes more money than you do.
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Parent Definitions
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family…
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge”.
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10 Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to disco!.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.
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Warnings For Kids
Parents: If you haven’t done so already, you might want to use the below listed warnings as a check-list to ensure that you have properly warned your offspring of some of the dangers they face in this life.
Don’t pet any strange dog: it will eat your face off

Don’t go into the street: a car will run you over and you’ll end up looking like a banana pancake

Don’t forget to wash your hands after playing outside: there are millions of tiny eggs under your fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in your belly, and then at night worms crawl out into your bed

Don’t play in the refrigerator: there is green stuff on the leftovers that is growing faster than you are…by morning it will break out of the plastic containers and beat you up

Don’t touch the knives: you’ll cut off your fingers and then you can say good-bye to things like ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in the bathroom and poking the dessert just before the company comes

Don’t stand around with your fingers in your nose: other kids will think you’re creepy and throw things at you

Don’t unbuckle your seat belt: you might get arrested and put in prison where you’ll have to celebrate your birthday with a bunch of murderers, perverts and lawyers

Don’t bite on that electrical cord: there’s energy inside that will blow up your teeth …you’ll never be able to chew paper, old gum from the sidewalk or dog kibble again

Don’t open the dishwasher and jump up and down on the door: mommy will have to call a repairman, and then daddy will have a heart attack and die

Don’t put your tongue on anything outside: a dog went pee-pee there

Don’t drink anything in the garage: it’s all poison and we’ll have to take you to the hospital and they’ll put tubes in your stomach and pump everything out and make you watch

Don’t take anything in the medicine cabinet: it’s all very strong medicine and we’ll have to take you to the hospital where they’ll remove your stomach and put tubes in so we can feed you

Don’t drink anything in the kitchen cabinets: it’s all very strong cleaners and you’ll have to spend the rest of the week sitting on the toilet while the cleaners empty your insides

Don’t chase the birds: it’s bad enough we’re feeding them moldy bread

Don’t play in the fireplace: a reindeer went pee-pee in there

Don’t hit Mommy or Daddy’s computers with anything: if they break, Daddy will have to buy new ones…and you’ll have to get a job delivering papers to pay for them

Don’t try to kiss animals: they eat yukky stuff and will try to bite off your tongue

Don’t play in the toilet: Remember, the toilet is dirty even though it looks clean, the germs in there are even worse than the ones under your fingernails…mommy and daddy are even afraid of them

Don’t keep on wearing those old shoes: they’re too small and your feet will shrivel up like the potatoes in the vegetable bin and you won’t be able to run away from mommy or daddy

Naturally, you’ll probably want to add thousands of others to suit your own environment. This is intended as a starter kit only.
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Advanced Baby
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

“Are you my doctor?”, he asked.

“Yes, I am.”

The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”

“Yes, I am,” she said.

“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born,” he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father?”

“Yes, I am,” his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”
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Why We Love Children
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’
‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.
‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he-goes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
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Don't Mess With Mom Or Dad
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

“Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that’s taught by Mr. Wright?
It’s all about the laws today,
The “Children’s Bill of Rights.”

It says I need not clean my room,
don’t have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don’t have to bow my head,
and I sure don’t have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue &nose.
I can read &watch just what I like,
and get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I’ll charge you with a crime.
I’ll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don’t you ever touch me,
my body’s only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that’s just more child abuse.

Don’t preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That’s nothing more than mind control,
And it’s illegal too!

Mom, I have these children’s rights,
so you can’t influence me,
or I’ll call Children’s Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn’t let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he’s messing with a pro.

The next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, “Pick out all you want,
there’s shirts & pants galore.

I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn’t care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

And I’ve canceled that appointment
to take your driver’s test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I’ll decide what’s best.

I said “No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We’re having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.

He asked “Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?”
“Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you’ll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is
a roof for over your head.

Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
and I’ll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I’m selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike &roller blades.
Check out the “Parents Bill of Rights,”
It’s in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?
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The Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “Mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her Mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her Grandmother’s house. “But Mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?” Red Riding Hood’s Mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

“But Mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?” Red Riding Hood’s Mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free. “But Mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?” And Red Riding Hood’s Mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn’t stereotypical women’s work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own self hood?” But Red Riding Hood’s Mother explained that her Grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her Grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialog with the Wolf. She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”

The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative and excusable by his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedcovers, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”

The Wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”

Red Riding Hood said, “Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

“You forget that I am optically challenged.”

“And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.”

“Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal pressures, my child.”

“And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!”

The Wolf could not take any more of these slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on my college entrance exams, as well as submitting to traditional gender defined roles of hero and damsel in distress.”

“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an EPA sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood made a sudden unexpected movement, he sliced off her head.

“Thank goodness you got here in time.” said the Wolf. “That brat and her Grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”

“No, I think I’m the real victim, here.” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any FDA approved pain relief products?”

“Surely.” said the Wolf.

“Thanks.”

“I feel your pain.” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, “Do you have any non-addictive gastrointestinal distress relief products?”
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Children's Books You Will Never See:
• “You Were an Accident”
• “Strangers Have the Best Candy”
• “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
• “Some Kittens Can Fly!”
• “How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
• “Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
• “Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
• “Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
• “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
• “All Dogs Go to Hell”
• “The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
• “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
• “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
• “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
• “Bi-Curious George”
• “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
• “Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
• “You Are Different and That’s Bad”
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Things Only A Mom Can Teach
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION….
“Just wait until your father gets home!”

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you … Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me LOGIC …
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE….
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, you’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD …
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”

My Mother taught me about ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold.”

My Mother taught me HUMOR …
“When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My Mother taught me about SEX…
“How do you think you got here?”

My Mother taught me about GENETICS….
“You’re just like your father!”

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS….
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

And my all time favorite … JUSTICE….
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….then you’ll see what it’s like.”
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WhiteHair
One day, a little girl walked up to her mother, looked closely are her hair and sadly asked, “Mommy, why is some of your hair white?”

“Well, dear,” her mother explained, “each time you do something wrong and make me cry or feel unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this for a few moments, then said, “Mommy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
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Equal But Not The Same
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the DVD player after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
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Words Of Wisdom For Dads
For all new dads, or those contemplating becoming a dad, it is necessary for you to learn these Words of Wisdom:
• Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
• No one said life was supposed to be fair.
• Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?
• You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
• No! We’re not there yet.
• This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
• You call that noise “music”?
• As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
• When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
• Because I said so. That’s why!
• If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
• Do as I say, not as I do.
• You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
• So, you think you’re smart, do you?
• What do I look like, a bank?
• I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
• I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everyone else’s father!
• What part of NO don’t you understand?
• Enough is enough!
• Don’t make me stop the car!
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Appropriate Punishment
While cleaning her son’s room, a mom found a bondage S & M magazine in his closet. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He glanced at it briefly and handed it back to her without uttering a word. “Well,” she said, “what do you think we should do about this?”

“I don’t know,” he replied, “but I don’t think you should spank him.”
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The Toddlers Diet
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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Kids
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.’

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Kristy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.’

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. ‘In ten years,’ I said, ‘you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. ‘In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.’

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. ‘No, no, no!’ she screamed. ‘Lizzie,’ scolded her mother, ‘that’s not polite behavior.’ With that, the girl yelled even louder, ‘No, thank you! No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. ‘I’m going to be away for a long time,’ I told him. ‘I’m going to Iraq.’ ‘Why?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?’

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?’ Blank stares. ‘Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.’ An eight-year-old girl perked up. ‘How long was he missing?’
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What's Going On There?
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered on the first ring, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”.
“Yes.”, whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?”, the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”.
“Yes.”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”.
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

“Is there any one there besides you?”, the boss asked the child.
“Yes”, whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”.
“No, he’s busy.”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”, asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.”, came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”.
“A hello-copper.”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”
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How To Tell If You're Ready To Have Kids
MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST Obtain one large unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:OO p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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You Know You Need A Vacation From Your Kids When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!
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Quotes About Children & Parents
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)
• Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)
• Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)
• Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)
• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)
• I never met a kid I liked. (W.C. Fields)
• Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad. (W.C. Fields)
• Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. (Socrates)
• I like children – fried. (W.C. Fields)
• Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it. (Groucho Marx)
• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)
• There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years. (Anonymous, often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain)
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Mommy Mommy...I Hate You Mommy
If you’ve never heard of mommy mommy jokes they are rude crude lude and simply disgusting so continue reading at your own risk.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma’s leg is no longer infested.

Mommy, Mommy! I’d like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can’t use Grandpa’s glass eye today!

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can’t?
Shut up or I’ll cut your ears off, too!

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I’m in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
or Shut up and get the maple syrup.

“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”
“No, Mommy, you’ll only throw me down again.”

Mommy, Mommy! Don’t push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
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Attention Children - The Bathroom Door Is Closed!
Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.

Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling “She’s in the BATHROOM!”

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Mom
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Lessons In Sex And Politics
A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.” The father thought some and said, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m a capitalist because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?” The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.” “Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap.”
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What My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.’

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.’

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
‘Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.’

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?’

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
‘Stop acting like your father!’

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
‘Just wait until we get home.’

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
‘You are going to get it when you get home!’

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.’

19. My mother taught me ESP.
‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
‘You’re just like your father.’

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’

And my favorite

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you’
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Parenting
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
You’re Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: What baby?

Swallowing Coins
1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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Father’s Rant
My son has a new nickname for me — “Baldy.”
Son, I’ve got a new word for you — “Heredity!”

He’s at that age where he’s got to be so cool.
“Dad, can you drop me a block away so I won’t be embarrassed?”
“You want to be really cool, walk the five miles!”

Being cool means knowing the names of the latest bands. There is a band, no I’m not making this up, named “Garbage.”
“Son, what is that garbage you’re listening to?”
“Hey dad, I didn’t know you were that cool!”
“What is that crap?”
“No dad, Crap opened for Garbage.”
“Son, this is madness!”
“Dad, Madness broke up over a year ago! You’re really not so cool.”

My son’s got rollerblades, a skateboard and now he wants a BMX bike.
“Son, if you want to die let me kill you. I save money and we both get something out of it!”

When I talk to my son about drugs I’m worried I’ll sound like my father. “Son, you can’t do drugs because… because… because they don’t make drugs like they used to.”

Just say no to drugs son, you don’t need the drugs now, you need them when you’re my age, so give ‘em to me.
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How To Greet Your Mother-In-Law
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front porch.

She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”

I said, “Of course you can.” and shut the door.
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Things My Mother Would Never Say
• I don’t need any grandchildren.
• I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.
• Yeah, I used to skip school, too.
• You are so lucky to have your in-laws.
• Just live with him…You don’t have to marry him.
• Be good and for your birthday, I’ll buy you a motorcycle!
• How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?
• Don’t bother wearing a jacket…It’s quite warm out.
• Let me smell that shirt…Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
• Just leave all the lights on…It makes the house more cheery.
• Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it too?
• Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know.
• I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve.
• Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.
• Of course you should walk to school and back. What’s the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?
• My meeting won’t be over till later tonight. You kids don’t mind skipping dinner, do you?
• I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a check to renew.
• If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family it’s fine with me.
• Mother’s day, shmother’s day, you just go to the beach and enjoy yourselves.
• You don’t have to call me every week; I know how busy you are.
• Your father is a saint; you should only be just like him.
• Your wife knows best…Forget about the advice I gave you.
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Kids View Of Marriage And Relationships
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
——————————-
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
————————————-
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
————————————————–
“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
————————————————–
“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
———————————-
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
——————————————————–
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
——————————-
“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
————————————–
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, 9

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some
coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
————————————————————–
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
———————————–
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10
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Things Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You
1. If we teach small children,
Don’t tell us that our jobs are “so cute” and that you wish you could glue and color all day long.

2. I’m not a marriage counselor.
At parent-teacher conferences, let’s stick to your child’s progress, not how your husband doesn’t help you around the house.

3. We’re sick of standardized testing
And having to “teach to the test.”

4. Kids used to go out and play after school
and resolve problems on their own. Now, with computers and TV, they lack the skills to communicate. They don’t know how to get past hurt feelings without telling the teacher and having her fix it.

5. When I hear a loud belch,
I remember that a student’s manners are a reflection of his parents’.

6. Your child may be the center of your universe,
But I have to share mine with 25 others.

7. Please help us by turning off the texting
Feature on your child’s phone during school hours.

8. Guys who dribble a ball
Or a couple of hours a game can make up to $20 million a year. We educate future leaders and make about $51,000 a year.

9. We take on the role of mother,
Father, psychologist, friend, and adviser every day. Plus, we’re watching for learning disabilities, issues at home, peer pressure, drug abuse, and bullying.

10. Kids dish on your secrets all the time-
Money, religion, politics, even Dad’s vasectomy.

11. Please, no more mugs, frames, or stuffed animals.
A gift card to Starbucks or Staples would be more than enough. A thank-you note: even better.

12. We love snow days
And three-day weekends as much as your kid does.

13. The students we remember are happy,
Respectful, and good-hearted, not necessarily the ones with the highest grades.

14. My rule for hormonal middle-schoolers:
Keep your hands where I can see them.

15. My first year of teaching, a fifth-grader actually threw a chair at me.
I saw him recently, and he told me he just graduated from college. That’s what makes it all worthwhile.

16. You do your job, I’ll do mine.
I have parents who are CEOs of their own companies come in and tell me how to run my classroom. I would never think to go to their office and tell them how to do their jobs.

17. We don’t arrive at school 10 minutes before your child does.
And we don’t leave the minute they get back on the bus. Many of us put in extra hours before and after school.

18. We are not the enemy.
Parents and teachers really are on the same side.

19. The truth is simple:
Your kid will lie to get out of trouble.

20. Encourage your child to keep reading.
That’s key to success in the classroom at any age.

21. It’s their homework, not yours.
We can tell the difference between a parent helping their child with homework and doing it for them (especially when they’re clueless in class the next day).

22. Teaching is a calling.
There’s not a teacher alive who will say she went into this for the money.

23. Check their homework.
Just because your child says he did his homework doesn’t mean it’s true. You must check. Every night.

24. We get jaded too.
Teaching is not as joyful as it once was for many of us. Disrespectful students and belligerent parents take a toll on us.

25. Talk to your kids.
Parents give their kids the pricey gadgets and labels, but what kids really crave is for you to talk to them. Kids want to know you are interested in their lives.

26. We spend money out of our own pockets.
Teachers often buy things our students need, such as school supplies and even shoes.

27. Supportive, involved parents are crucial.
But some are “helicopter parents”—they hover too much.

28. Having the summer off is great, but…
Many of us have to take on extra jobs—teaching summer school, tutoring—to make ends meet.

29. Academics aren’t everything.
Success is not achieved by just making kids memorize flash cards and prepping them for an Ivy League school. Sensible parents know there is a college for every kid and responsibility and good citizenship are what really drive success.

30. Nobody says “the dog ate my homework” anymore.
But we hear a lot of “I left it on the kitchen table.” And then Mom will send in a note to back up the story.

31. Don’t ask us to do your dirty work.
We wish parents would make their kids own up to their actions instead of pressuring us to bend the rules.

32. We know you mean well, but…
Please stop doing everything for your child and allow them to make mistakes. How else will they learn? Kids are not motivated to succeed because they feel their parents will bail them out every time.

33. There are days when I just want to quit.
But then that one smile from that one kid changes it all.
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Family Stress Test
Scoring:
0 if the statement is never true
1 if it is rarely true
2 if it is sometimes true
3 if it is always true

• Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”
• The school principal has your number on speed-dial
• Both the cat and the dog are on Valium
• No one can understand your kids; they learned to talk thru clenched teeth
• You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf
• Jobs held down by the family exceeds the number of people in the family
• No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners
• “Family meetings” are often mediated by law enforcement officials
• You have to check your kid’s day-timer to see if he can take out the trash
• Maxwell House gives you industrial rates
• Dinner guests alternate between Juvenile Services & the Parole Officers
• The neighbors are all chipping in so y’all can go on a family vacation
• You often have trouble calling home, and even “call waiting” is busy
• The Salvation Army rejected your last donation of clothes and old toys

Totaling your Score:
31-40 – A perfect score. Welcome to Parents Anonymous!
21-30 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
11-20 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-10 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?
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You Know You're A Mom When . . .
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and you don’t care.

2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6. Popsicles become a food staple.

7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10. Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc…. and you think it’s funny.

12. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

14. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

15. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

16. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.

17. You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom,
and yet . . . you STILL managed to gain 10 pounds.
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If Only They Had A Jewish Mother
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?”

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write.”

MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?”

NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Okay, so I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!”

PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!”

ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?”

MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?”

BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
“It would have killed you to become a doctor?”

BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.
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The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
LifeSavers
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange …………….Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my gosh! They’re ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room.
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