I used to say to my mother, “You love my brother more then you do me.” She said “No, I hate you all equally.”
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Things I've Learned From My Boys (honest and not kidding):
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
Actually the worst penalty for bigamy is having two mother-in-laws.
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left. She said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting.”
Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for an evening out: “Other kids make their Mothers too tired to want to go out — but not you two.”
Nothing ruins a neighborhood more for the average husband than when a combination enthusiastic gardener – lawn care nut moves in.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible auto accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one, not even his wife, be told of this. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!” He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek.”
Friend of mine was using the pay phone in a bar. After he had finished he walked over and I offered to buy him a beer. “Thanks.” he said. “Boss won’t let me use the phone at work for personal calls, and the wife and two daughters won’t let me at home.”
A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
Marketing An Over-40 Barbie
Not long ago, Mattel’s famous and much-loved doll, Barbie, turned 40. Creative Marketers have been working on the new possibilities…
1. Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Cook’s Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
5. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Midlife Crisis Barbie: It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”
9. Single Mother Barbie: There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
10. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!
Mom Your Not Supposed To Take The Children’s Songs Literally
What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that?
And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pirogues? No, I bet you don’t remember that.
Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is this, a guessing game? And no one’s going to be “strumming on the ol’ banjo” in my house. I’m not stupid.
You are not a little teapot, honey. You’ve just got my hips. I’m sorry.
You’re paying far too much attention to that very, very small spider.
No, you can’t put a person in a pumpkin shell. Really, I’m starting to worry about you.
Is the old man snoring? Or is he in a coma? Because if he bumped his head and can’t get up we need to call someone. And it’s going to be tricky since it’s raining. And it’s pouring.
Well nobody asked you to carry a banjo all the way from Alabama.
I don’t care how many of them there are, get the monkeys out of the bedroom!
Again with the old man. Tell him to leave your thumb alone. What the heck is “knick-knack”? I thought he was snoring a minute ago.
A snowman is marching through town? Are you drunk?
What are you talking about, “how I wonder what you are”? It’s a star. You just said it was a star.
GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TREE. NOW.
What are you doing asking a sheep if it has wool? And I hope that’s not the same lamb that’s been following Mary around.
That’s a lot of pressure, telling someone they’re your “only sunshine.” Are your ready to take that step?
What? The bridge is falling down? For Christ’s sake stop singing!
PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
The Top 10 Reasons Your Disney Cruise Was Delayed
1. Pluto’s “accident” on Deck 3
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
3. Exterminator killed off “rat” problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie’s cousins.
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
5. Charo kept showing up.
6. The Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” kept eating the midnight buffet.
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the “You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride” Requirements.
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmatians was too strong.
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
10.New hires Doc, Isaac, and Gopher quit days before launch, citing that this job is not as “exciting and new” as their last one. (you really have to be a certain age to get that joke)
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Things Not To Say During Childbirth
– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
– Stop your swearing and just breathe.
– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
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You Parents Are Such Lairs
Best performance by an actress in a mommy role:
Handing the baby to my husband, and then acting surprised that she was full of poop. Done that many a time!
So maybe they won’t be firefighters:
Effective, but don’t send us the therapy bills.
If only this mom had negotiated the debt ceiling agreement:
Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart:
Just like Dr. Seuss, except with a few more F-bombs
Santa and I are close personal friends:
I told my children that I used to be an elf at the North Pole working for Santa until I got fired by a mean elf named Robin. It kept them believing when faith was waning.
Teething toy, drool catcher… is there nothing beer cannot do?
And broccoli gives you magic powers!
Can I have dinner at your house?
Sorry, nope, no more diapers.
And my dust bunnies have never been crisper!
Who are these short people, and why are they calling me Mommy?
Fun with body parts.
And finally, we salute this mom with the Honesty Award for Creative Discipline:
10 Rules For Dating My Daughter
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.