<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”Favorites”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Playing">”Playing”div”>
I used to say to my mother, “You love my brother more then you do me.” She said “No, I hate you all equally.”
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”LearnedFromMyBoys”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Things">”Things”div”>
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”FamilyHumor”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Family">”Family”div”>
Actually the worst penalty for bigamy is having two mother-in-laws.
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left. She said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting.”
Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for an evening out: “Other kids make their Mothers too tired to want to go out — but not you two.”
Nothing ruins a neighborhood more for the average husband than when a combination enthusiastic gardener – lawn care nut moves in.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible auto accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one, not even his wife, be told of this. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!” He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek.”
Friend of mine was using the pay phone in a bar. After he had finished he walked over and I offered to buy him a beer. “Thanks.” he said. “Boss won’t let me use the phone at work for personal calls, and the wife and two daughters won’t let me at home.”
A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”Over40Barbie”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Marketing">”Marketing”div”>
Not long ago, Mattel’s famous and much-loved doll, Barbie, turned 40. Creative Marketers have been working on the new possibilities…
1. Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Cook’s Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
5. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Midlife Crisis Barbie: It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”
9. Single Mother Barbie: There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
10. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”ChildrensSongsLiterally”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Mom">”Mom”div”>
What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that?
And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pirogues? No, I bet you don’t remember that.
Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is this, a guessing game? And no one’s going to be “strumming on the ol’ banjo” in my house. I’m not stupid.
You are not a little teapot, honey. You’ve just got my hips. I’m sorry.
You’re paying far too much attention to that very, very small spider.
No, you can’t put a person in a pumpkin shell. Really, I’m starting to worry about you.
Is the old man snoring? Or is he in a coma? Because if he bumped his head and can’t get up we need to call someone. And it’s going to be tricky since it’s raining. And it’s pouring.
Well nobody asked you to carry a banjo all the way from Alabama.
I don’t care how many of them there are, get the monkeys out of the bedroom!
Again with the old man. Tell him to leave your thumb alone. What the heck is “knick-knack”? I thought he was snoring a minute ago.
A snowman is marching through town? Are you drunk?
What are you talking about, “how I wonder what you are”? It’s a star. You just said it was a star.
GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TREE. NOW.
What are you doing asking a sheep if it has wool? And I hope that’s not the same lamb that’s been following Mary around.
That’s a lot of pressure, telling someone they’re your “only sunshine.” Are your ready to take that step?
What? The bridge is falling down? For Christ’s sake stop singing!
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”PARENT”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”PARENT">”PARENT”div”>
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”DisneyCruise”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”The">”The”div”>
1. Pluto’s “accident” on Deck 3
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
3. Exterminator killed off “rat” problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie’s cousins.
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
5. Charo kept showing up.
6. The Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” kept eating the midnight buffet.
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the “You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride” Requirements.
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmatians was too strong.
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
10.New hires Doc, Isaac, and Gopher quit days before launch, citing that this job is not as “exciting and new” as their last one. (you really have to be a certain age to get that joke)
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”Childbirth”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Things">”Things”div”>
– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
– Stop your swearing and just breathe.
– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”ParentsLairs”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”You">”You”div”>
Best performance by an actress in a mommy role:
Handing the baby to my husband, and then acting surprised that she was full of poop. Done that many a time!
So maybe they won’t be firefighters:
Effective, but don’t send us the therapy bills.
If only this mom had negotiated the debt ceiling agreement:
Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart:
Just like Dr. Seuss, except with a few more F-bombs
Santa and I are close personal friends:
I told my children that I used to be an elf at the North Pole working for Santa until I got fired by a mean elf named Robin. It kept them believing when faith was waning.
Teething toy, drool catcher… is there nothing beer cannot do?
And broccoli gives you magic powers!
Can I have dinner at your house?
Sorry, nope, no more diapers.
And my dust bunnies have never been crisper!
Who are these short people, and why are they calling me Mommy?
Fun with body parts.
And finally, we salute this mom with the Honesty Award for Creative Discipline:
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”DatingMyDaughter”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”10">”10”div”>
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”YourGettingDivorced”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”What">”What”div”>
An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The conversation goes as follows.
Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news … but your mother and I, we are getting a divorce
Son: WHAT?? You can’t! What about -
Dad: I’m sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)
The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The conversation goes as follows.
Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING A … A … DIVORCE!!
Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN’T! You stay put. I’ll call you right back!! (CLICK)
The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation goes as follows.
Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!
Dad: Honey, listen -
Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING! I’M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE’LL BE THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON’T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)
The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to align it to his liking. He looks at his wife and says “Well, they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what shall we tell them on Christmas?”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”ChildrensBooksToAvoid”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Children’s">”Children’s”div”>
1. Bob the Germ’s Wondrous Journey Into and Back Out of Your Digestive System.
2. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civilians.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s Games of Revenge.
4. Peter Rabbit’s Frisky Adventures.
5. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The ‘Hood’.
6. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
7. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
8. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
9. The Tickling Babysitter
10. A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides.
11. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
12. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
15. David Duke’s World of Imagination.
16. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
17. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
18. Legends of Scab Football.
19. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
20. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
21. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
22. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
23. Let’s Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
24. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”WearingWhite”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Wearing">”Wearing”div”>
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the bride wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boys thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black…”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”GoodBadWorse”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Good,">”Good,”div”>
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Worse: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Good: The postman’s early.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”ParentDefinitions”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Parent">”Parent”div”>
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family…
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENSE: what you’d better have around the yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge”.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”SignsAmishTeenInTrouble”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”10">”10”div”>
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to disco!.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”WarningsforKids”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Warnings">”Warnings”div”>
Parents: If you haven’t done so already, you might want to use the below listed warnings as a check-list to ensure that you have properly warned your offspring of some of the dangers they face in this life.
Don’t pet any strange dog: it will eat your face off
Don’t go into the street: a car will run you over and you’ll end up looking like a banana pancake
Don’t forget to wash your hands after playing outside: there are millions of tiny eggs under your fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in your belly, and then at night worms crawl out into your bed
Don’t play in the refrigerator: there is green stuff on the leftovers that is growing faster than you are…by morning it will break out of the plastic containers and beat you up
Don’t touch the knives: you’ll cut off your fingers and then you can say good-bye to things like ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in the bathroom and poking the dessert just before the company comes
Don’t stand around with your fingers in your nose: other kids will think you’re creepy and throw things at you
Don’t unbuckle your seat belt: you might get arrested and put in prison where you’ll have to celebrate your birthday with a bunch of murderers, perverts and lawyers
Don’t bite on that electrical cord: there’s energy inside that will blow up your teeth …you’ll never be able to chew paper, old gum from the sidewalk or dog kibble again
Don’t open the dishwasher and jump up and down on the door: mommy will have to call a repairman, and then daddy will have a heart attack and die
Don’t put your tongue on anything outside: a dog went pee-pee there
Don’t drink anything in the garage: it’s all poison and we’ll have to take you to the hospital and they’ll put tubes in your stomach and pump everything out and make you watch
Don’t take anything in the medicine cabinet: it’s all very strong medicine and we’ll have to take you to the hospital where they’ll remove your stomach and put tubes in so we can feed you
Don’t drink anything in the kitchen cabinets: it’s all very strong cleaners and you’ll have to spend the rest of the week sitting on the toilet while the cleaners empty your insides
Don’t chase the birds: it’s bad enough we’re feeding them moldy bread
Don’t play in the fireplace: a reindeer went pee-pee in there
Don’t hit Mommy or Daddy’s computers with anything: if they break, Daddy will have to buy new ones…and you’ll have to get a job delivering papers to pay for them
Don’t try to kiss animals: they eat yukky stuff and will try to bite off your tongue
Don’t play in the toilet: Remember, the toilet is dirty even though it looks clean, the germs in there are even worse than the ones under your fingernails…mommy and daddy are even afraid of them
Don’t keep on wearing those old shoes: they’re too small and your feet will shrivel up like the potatoes in the vegetable bin and you won’t be able to run away from mommy or daddy
Naturally, you’ll probably want to add thousands of others to suit your own environment. This is intended as a starter kit only.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”AdvancedBaby”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Advanced">”Advanced”div”>
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
“Are you my doctor?”, he asked.
“Yes, I am.”
The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”
He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”
“Yes, I am,” she said.
“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born,” he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father?”
“Yes, I am,” his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”WhyWeLoveChildren”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Why">”Why”div”>
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
4) MORE NUDITY
5) POLICE # 1
6) POLICE # 2
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”DontMessWithMomDad”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Don’t">”Don’t”div”>
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
“Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
It says I need not clean my room,
I have freedom from religion,
I can wear earrings if I want,
And if you ever spank me,
Don’t you ever touch me,
Don’t preach about your morals,
Mom, I have these children’s rights,
Of course my first instinct was
I mulled it over carefully,
The next day I took him shopping
I’ve called and checked with C.S.D.
And I’ve canceled that appointment
I said “No time to stop and eat,
Just save the raging appetite,
He asked “Can I please rent a movie,
I also rented out your room,
Your clothing won’t be trendy now,
I’m selling off your jet ski,
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”LittleRedRidingHood”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”The">”The”div”>
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “Mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her Mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her Grandmother’s house. “But Mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?” Red Riding Hood’s Mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
“But Mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?” Red Riding Hood’s Mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free. “But Mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?” And Red Riding Hood’s Mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn’t stereotypical women’s work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own self hood?” But Red Riding Hood’s Mother explained that her Grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her Grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialog with the Wolf. She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”
The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative and excusable by his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedcovers, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”
The Wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”
Red Riding Hood said, “Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“You forget that I am optically challenged.”
“And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.”
“Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal pressures, my child.”
“And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!”
The Wolf could not take any more of these slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on my college entrance exams, as well as submitting to traditional gender defined roles of hero and damsel in distress.”
“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an EPA sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood made a sudden unexpected movement, he sliced off her head.
“Thank goodness you got here in time.” said the Wolf. “That brat and her Grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”
“No, I think I’m the real victim, here.” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any FDA approved pain relief products?”
“Surely.” said the Wolf.
“I feel your pain.” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said, “Do you have any non-addictive gastrointestinal distress relief products?”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”ChildrensBooksYouWillNeverSee”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Children’s">”Children’s”div”>
• “You Were an Accident”
• “Strangers Have the Best Candy”
• “The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
• “Some Kittens Can Fly!”
• “How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
• “Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
• “Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
• “Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
• “The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer…Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
• “All Dogs Go to Hell”
• “The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
• “Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
• “What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
• “Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
• “Bi-Curious George”
• “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
• “Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
• “You Are Different and That’s Bad”
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”OnlyMomCanTeach”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Things">”Things”div”>
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION….
“Just wait until your father gets home!”
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
My Mother taught me LOGIC …
My Mother taught me MEDICINE….
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD …
My Mother taught me about ESP…
My Mother taught me HUMOR …
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
My Mother taught me about SEX…
My Mother taught me about GENETICS….
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS….
My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE…
And my all time favorite … JUSTICE….
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”WhiteHair”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”WhiteHair”">”WhiteHair””div”>
One day, a little girl walked up to her mother, looked closely are her hair and sadly asked, “Mommy, why is some of your hair white?”
“Well, dear,” her mother explained, “each time you do something wrong and make me cry or feel unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this for a few moments, then said, “Mommy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”EqualButNotTheSame”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Equal">”Equal”div”>
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the DVD player after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”WordsOfWisdomForDads”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Words">”Words”div”>
For all new dads, or those contemplating becoming a dad, it is necessary for you to learn these Words of Wisdom:
• Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
• No one said life was supposed to be fair.
• Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?
• You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
• No! We’re not there yet.
• This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
• You call that noise “music”?
• As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
• When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
• Because I said so. That’s why!
• If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
• Do as I say, not as I do.
• You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
• So, you think you’re smart, do you?
• What do I look like, a bank?
• I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
• I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everyone else’s father!
• What part of NO don’t you understand?
• Enough is enough!
• Don’t make me stop the car!
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”AppropriatePunishment”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Appropriate">”Appropriate”div”>
While cleaning her son’s room, a mom found a bondage S & M magazine in his closet. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He glanced at it briefly and handed it back to her without uttering a word. “Well,” she said, “what do you think we should do about this?”
“I don’t know,” he replied, “but I don’t think you should spank him.”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”TheToddlersDiet”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”The">”The”div”>
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!
DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”Kids”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Kids”">”Kids””div”>
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.’
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Kristy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, ‘My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.’
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. ‘In ten years,’ I said, ‘you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. ‘In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.’
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. ‘No, no, no!’ she screamed. ‘Lizzie,’ scolded her mother, ‘that’s not polite behavior.’ With that, the girl yelled even louder, ‘No, thank you! No, thank you!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’ After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’
Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. ‘I’m going to be away for a long time,’ I told him. ‘I’m going to Iraq.’ ‘Why?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?’
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?’ Blank stares. ‘Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.’ An eight-year-old girl perked up. ‘How long was he missing?’
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”WhatsGoingOnThere”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”What’s">”What’s”div”>
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered on the first ring, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”.
“Yes.”, whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?”, the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”.
“Yes.”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”.
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there any one there besides you?”, the boss asked the child.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”ReadyToHaveKids”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”How">”How”div”>
MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST Obtain one large unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m., begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:OO p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”VacationFromYourKidsWhen”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”You">”You”div”>
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”QuotesChildrenParents”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Quotes">”Quotes”div”>
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. (David Frost)
• Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter. (James T. Adams)
• Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. (Jim Bishop)
• Children really brighten up a household – they never turn the lights off. (Ralph Bus)
• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus. (Bob Phillips)
• I never met a kid I liked. (W.C. Fields)
• Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad. (W.C. Fields)
• Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. (Socrates)
• I like children – fried. (W.C. Fields)
• Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it. (Groucho Marx)
• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.’ (Joe Namath)
• There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. (Mona Crane)
• When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years. (Anonymous, often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain)
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”MommyMommy”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Mommy">”Mommy”div”>
If you’ve never heard of mommy mommy jokes they are rude crude lude and simply disgusting so continue reading at your own risk.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to see Niagara Falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I’ve lost my fingers!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Mommy, Mommy! I’d like to play marbles now!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Mommy, Mommy! How come sister gets to watch TV and I can’t?
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t want to empty the compost heap.
Mommy, Mommy! I don’t like fishing.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
“Come upstairs, son, like a good boy.”
Mommy, Mommy! Don’t push me towards the elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”LessonsInSexPolitics”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Lessons">”Lessons”div”>
A son asks his father, “What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.” The father thought some and said, “OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say that I’m a capitalist because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?” The little boy said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.”
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother’s crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent’s bedroom and found his father’s side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn’t wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, “Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.” “Excellent, my boy,” he answered, “What have you learned?” The little boy thought for a minute and said, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future’s full of crap.”
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”WhatMyMotherTaughtMe”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”What">”What”div”>
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
And my favorite
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”Parenting”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Parenting”">”Parenting””div”>
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”FathersRant”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Father’s">”Father’s”div”>
My son has a new nickname for me — “Baldy.”
Son, I’ve got a new word for you — “Heredity!”
He’s at that age where he’s got to be so cool.
Being cool means knowing the names of the latest bands. There is a band, no I’m not making this up, named “Garbage.”
My son’s got rollerblades, a skateboard and now he wants a BMX bike.
When I talk to my son about drugs I’m worried I’ll sound like my father. “Son, you can’t do drugs because… because… because they don’t make drugs like they used to.”
Just say no to drugs son, you don’t need the drugs now, you need them when you’re my age, so give ‘em to me.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”HowToGreetYourMotherInLaw”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”How">”How”div”>
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front porch.
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Of course you can.” and shut the door.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”ThingsMyMotherWouldNeverSay”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Things">”Things”div”>
• I don’t need any grandchildren.
• I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.
• Yeah, I used to skip school, too.
• You are so lucky to have your in-laws.
• Just live with him…You don’t have to marry him.
• Be good and for your birthday, I’ll buy you a motorcycle!
• How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?
• Don’t bother wearing a jacket…It’s quite warm out.
• Let me smell that shirt…Yeah, it’s good for another week.”
• Just leave all the lights on…It makes the house more cheery.
• Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it too?
• Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know.
• I don’t have a tissue with me…just use your sleeve.
• Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s okay, that’s good enough for me.
• Of course you should walk to school and back. What’s the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?
• My meeting won’t be over till later tonight. You kids don’t mind skipping dinner, do you?
• I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a check to renew.
• If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family it’s fine with me.
• Mother’s day, shmother’s day, you just go to the beach and enjoy yourselves.
• You don’t have to call me every week; I know how busy you are.
• Your father is a saint; you should only be just like him.
• Your wife knows best…Forget about the advice I gave you.
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<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”KidsViewRelationships”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Kids">”Kids”div”>
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”TeacherWontTellYou”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Things">”Things”div”>
1. If we teach small children,
Don’t tell us that our jobs are “so cute” and that you wish you could glue and color all day long.
2. I’m not a marriage counselor.
3. We’re sick of standardized testing
4. Kids used to go out and play after school
5. When I hear a loud belch,
6. Your child may be the center of your universe,
7. Please help us by turning off the texting
8. Guys who dribble a ball
9. We take on the role of mother,
10. Kids dish on your secrets all the time-
11. Please, no more mugs, frames, or stuffed animals.
12. We love snow days
13. The students we remember are happy,
14. My rule for hormonal middle-schoolers:
15. My first year of teaching, a fifth-grader actually threw a chair at me.
16. You do your job, I’ll do mine.
17. We don’t arrive at school 10 minutes before your child does.
18. We are not the enemy.
19. The truth is simple:
20. Encourage your child to keep reading.
21. It’s their homework, not yours.
22. Teaching is a calling.
23. Check their homework.
24. We get jaded too.
25. Talk to your kids.
26. We spend money out of our own pockets.
27. Supportive, involved parents are crucial.
28. Having the summer off is great, but…
29. Academics aren’t everything.
30. Nobody says “the dog ate my homework” anymore.
31. Don’t ask us to do your dirty work.
32. We know you mean well, but…
33. There are days when I just want to quit.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”FamilyStressTest”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”Family">”Family”div”>
0 if the statement is never true
1 if it is rarely true
2 if it is sometimes true
3 if it is always true
• Conversations often begin with “Put the gun down, and then we can talk”
Totaling your Score:
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”YouKnowYoureMomWhen”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”You">”You”div”>
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor . . . and you don’t care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
3. You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc…. and you think it’s funny.
12. You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
15. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
16. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.
17. You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller blading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom,
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”IfOnlyHadJewishMother”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”If">”If”div”>
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
“After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?”
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER:
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”CandyLittleHole”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”The">”The”div”>
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my gosh! They’re ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room.
<”div” class="collapseomatic " id="”MommyOrDaddyIf”" rel="”comp-highlander”" title="”You">”You”div”>
1. You know what MLP stands for.*
2. Needy interlopers sometimes take over your bed in the middle of the night.
3. Your living room often looks like a bad day at Chuck E. Cheese.
4. You can define any of the following: Beaba, nipple shield, Sleep Sheep.
5. Sweat pants are a fashion choice, not a faux pas.
6. You now rank bodily functions like this. #1 Pee (totally manageable), #2 Poop (Depends. But usually, this can be handled.), #3 Vomit (All bets are off. Get out the hazmat suits people).
7. You have a bedazzled anything (Bonus points if your laptop is bedazzled).
8. You’ve ever dealt with this.
9. Your wallpaper is part-sticker-part-crayon.