Jokes – Family

I used to say to my mother, “You love my brother more then you do me.” She said “No, I hate you all equally.”
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The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
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Actually the worst penalty for bigamy is having two mother-in-laws.

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left. She said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your Lodge meeting.”
“It was postponed.” he replied. “The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn’t let him go out tonight.”

Father grumbling to his two boys as he reluctantly gets ready for an evening out: “Other kids make their Mothers too tired to want to go out — but not you two.”

Nothing ruins a neighborhood more for the average husband than when a combination enthusiastic gardener – lawn care nut moves in.
Father to his teen-aged son: “When I was your age, I would have felt lucky to have use of the family car, whether I agreed with the bumper sticker or not.”

There was a married couple who were in a terrible auto accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one, not even his wife, be told of this. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!” He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek.”

Friend of mine was using the pay phone in a bar. After he had finished he walked over and I offered to buy him a beer. “Thanks.” he said. “Boss won’t let me use the phone at work for personal calls, and the wife and two daughters won’t let me at home.”

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”
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Not long ago, Mattel’s famous and much-loved doll, Barbie, turned 40. Creative Marketers have been working on the new possibilities…

1. Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Cook’s Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

5. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Midlife Crisis Barbie: It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”

9. Single Mother Barbie: There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

10. Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!
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What do you mean, she’ll get here “when she comes”? That’s not a time. How can I plan around that?

And we’ll all have chicken and dumplings? All of us? Even you three vegetarians? Who’s going to be cooking these dumplings anyway? Remember that time I made pirogues? No, I bet you don’t remember that.

Okay, someone’s in the kitchen with Dinah. What is this, a guessing game? And no one’s going to be “strumming on the ol’ banjo” in my house. I’m not stupid.

You are not a little teapot, honey. You’ve just got my hips. I’m sorry.

You’re paying far too much attention to that very, very small spider.

No, you can’t put a person in a pumpkin shell. Really, I’m starting to worry about you.

Is the old man snoring? Or is he in a coma? Because if he bumped his head and can’t get up we need to call someone. And it’s going to be tricky since it’s raining. And it’s pouring.

Well nobody asked you to carry a banjo all the way from Alabama.

I don’t care how many of them there are, get the monkeys out of the bedroom!

Again with the old man. Tell him to leave your thumb alone. What the heck is “knick-knack”? I thought he was snoring a minute ago.

A snowman is marching through town? Are you drunk?

What are you talking about, “how I wonder what you are”? It’s a star. You just said it was a star.

GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TREE. NOW.

What are you doing asking a sheep if it has wool? And I hope that’s not the same lamb that’s been following Mary around.

That’s a lot of pressure, telling someone they’re your “only sunshine.” Are your ready to take that step?

What? The bridge is falling down? For Christ’s sake stop singing!
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This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on-call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
For the rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
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1. Pluto’s “accident” on Deck 3
2. Room service using Aladdin was getting out of hand.
3. Exterminator killed off “rat” problem only to discover they were Mickey and Minnie’s cousins.
4. Drunken dispute between Donald and The Mighty Ducks over who was mightier.
5. Charo kept showing up.
6. The Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” kept eating the midnight buffet.
7. The Seven Dwarfs vandalized the ship after failing to meet the “You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride” Requirements.
8. Stench of seawater and 101 Dalmatians was too strong.
9. Tour guide Goofy goes into drunken rampage and uses Chip and Dale as Shuffleboard discs.
10.New hires Doc, Isaac, and Gopher quit days before launch, citing that this job is not as “exciting and new” as their last one. (you really have to be a certain age to get that joke)
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– Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
– Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
– I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
– If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
– That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
– When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
– You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
– This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
– Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
– Stop your swearing and just breathe.
– Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
– Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
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Best performance by an actress in a mommy role:
Handing the baby to my husband, and then acting surprised that she was full of poop. Done that many a time!

So maybe they won’t be firefighters:
I don’t have the energy or discipline at the end of the day to get my kids to pick up their toys. Instead I made up a fictional dwarf that lives in fire hydrants and takes kids’ toys when they are left out at night. It works! They pick up their toys but they also hate fire hydrants.

Effective, but don’t send us the therapy bills.
My three year old is terrified of bees, so every time I need her to come inside off the patio I tell her “the bees are coming! The bees are coming!” And it works every single time.

If only this mom had negotiated the debt ceiling agreement:
I encouraged my toddler to give up her pacifier at nighttime by promising her Popsicles for breakfast. : )

Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart:
Blame the messy house on my kids, when I know I was just too lazy to clean anything up.

Just like Dr. Seuss, except with a few more F-bombs
I taught my son to read to Eminem lyrics.

Santa and I are close personal friends:
I lie to my kids and tell them Santa Claus watches them from the air conditioning vent.

I told my children that I used to be an elf at the North Pole working for Santa until I got fired by a mean elf named Robin. It kept them believing when faith was waning.

Teething toy, drool catcher… is there nothing beer cannot do?
I let my infant soothe her teething gums with a cold beer bottle. She sits in my lap with me holding the bottle and she rubs her gums on the opening of the bottle. It’s an empty bottle that I keep cold just for her. It’s her favorite teether and a great drool catcher.

And broccoli gives you magic powers!
If you eat all of your green beans you will turn into a princess.

Can I have dinner at your house?
Sometimes I give my kids Oreos for dinner because I’m too tired to go through the challenge of finding something that they will both like and eat.

Sorry, nope, no more diapers.
I was frustrated with potty training, and I lied to my daughter and told her that they didn’t make diapers anymore.

And my dust bunnies have never been crisper!
Monster spray – kids had nightmares, and difficulty falling asleep, so I used spray starch (before they could read) as “Monster Spray” – would spray under the bed in and the closet – it worked very well.

Who are these short people, and why are they calling me Mommy?
My 3 year old got her nickname because I couldn’t remember her name the day after bringing her home from the hospital….so I sat on the couch looking at this little stranger who was a part of me crying and just called her “Goober.”

Fun with body parts.
My kids still call their big toe the “head honcho” because of me and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that’s not what it’s called, it’s too cute.

And finally, we salute this mom with the Honesty Award for Creative Discipline:
One day my two boys were picking at each other all day. They are 18 months apart and were 8 and 10 at the time. They just wouldn’t leave each other alone and could not get along for anything. So I took an arm from each of them — one left arm, one right arm — and tied them together with a robe belt. I told them they had to stay that way for an hour and figure out how to get along with each other. If they got worse, I’d add on another hour. One sulked the entire time while the other listened to his CD player. But they quit poking, picking and talking badly to each other. If they got that way again, I’d remind them, “Do I need to tie you two together?” My family would look at me like I was crazy until I explained the story.
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Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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