Advice To Dumb Criminals
Based on what other dumb criminals have actually done
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot… *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
*Don’t* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
“But I know the people who live here” is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don’t* say, “Well, I can’t do that sober!” on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don’t* answer a question with the phrase, “Who me?” when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don’t* repeat the question that the officer just asked.
*Don’t* say, “I ain’t got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?” before the officer even introduces himself / herself on the traffic stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.
When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don’t* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer’s boot.
*Do* come up with something better to say than, “These aren’t my pants” when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.
If you are going to jump into a stranger’s fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.
*Don’t* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.
A Staged Wedding To Bust Dealers
As supposedly reported on CNN:Undercover police, staging the wedding of “a drug kingpin’s daughter”, let it be known on the street that dealers were “invited” (i. e. Expected to attend).
The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was “S. P. O. C.” (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the “band” took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? “I Fought The Law, And The Law Won”
A Montana State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. Uh, yes, Officer?’
The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing?’ The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine…’
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, And her, what is she doing?’
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.’
The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man?’
The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir.’
The trooper asks: ‘And her … what’s her age?’
The young man looks at his watch and replies, ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.’
Police Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the __________ Police Department voice mail.
-To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press1.
-To inquire whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem,
-To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
-If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
-If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.
-If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
-To tell us that you know the Chief of Police and or some other very important person and that we should respond to your problem immediately, press 7.
-To sue us, tell us you’ll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim that our career is over, press 8.
-To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.
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Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
9. Every Tuesday he insists it’s his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he’d look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him “Judge Dredd”, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the “good cop”, and the other half is the “bad cop”.
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
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Testimony of a Police Officer
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial…
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station … a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them
1. No, I don’t care who you are.
2. No, I don’t care who you know.
3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes, you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don’t have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can’t give you a break.
9. No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can’t talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
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Ways To Get Arrested In A Mall With Out Committing A Felony
1. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
2. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
3. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
4. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, ‘I see London, I see France…’
5. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
6. Play the tuba for change.
7. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘J@sus Built My Hotrod’.
8. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
9. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will ‘give you a really wicked buzz’.
10. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have ‘any giant crap made out of straw’.
11. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
12. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
13. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
14. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing ‘Saved by the Bell’. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
15. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling ‘scratch one flattop!’
16. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are ‘leak proof’.
17. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
18. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
19. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
20. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
21. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say ‘Domino’s.’
22. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
23. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
24. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know ‘whether they’ve seen this man.’
25. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.
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You Might Be A Cop If...
1) People shout “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room.
2) Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5) You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6) When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to the food group.
7) You want to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide – getting it right the first time.”
8.) You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9) You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow over 150.
10) You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, “They’ve come to get you…”.
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Arizona Highway Patrolman
In Arizona a Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the Highway Patrolman.
“Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” he answered.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”
Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.
Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case.
How To Get On A Cops Bad Side
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. Touch his nose
7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
9. Refer to him by his first name.
10. When he says no, cry.
11. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
12. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
13. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.
14. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”
15. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
16. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.
17. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”
18. Trip and fall into him.
19. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
20. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
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New Ticket Technology
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an intersection with automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs.
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Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
• Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
• Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
• Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.
• Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
• Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
• Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
• Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
• Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
• Forget your gun at home.
• Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.
• Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancé that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
“There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”
“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Off you go,” said the officer.
What Not To Say To The Police When They Pull You Over
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds
17. I was trying to keep up with the traffic.
18. Are You Andy or Barney?
19. Yes, I know there are no other cars around – that’s how far they are ahead of me.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
22. I only had one officer Mr. Keg.
23. Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
24. Want to race to the station pig?
25. On the way to the station let’s get a twelve pack.
26. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
27. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a pork queen?
28. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
29. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
30. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
31. Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
32. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
33. Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?
34. Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend’s bed.
35. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
36. So, uh, you “on the take”, or what?
37. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.
38. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?
39. NEVER SAY TO A COP
40. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas!)
41. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
42. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
43. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
44. Are You Andy or Barney?
45. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
46. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
47. I pay your salary!
48. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
49. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
50. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
51. When the Officer says “Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
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The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the US
“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”
“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh … did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning?! O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
“Just how big were those two beers?”
“No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”
“You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
Letter To The Public From Your Local Police Department
Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid’s parents, not the police.
If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
We know you’ve had more than two beers. When I’ve had two beers, I didn’t hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.
When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.
When you’re driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don’t go 5 MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we’re trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.
If we park our cruiser across the road with lights flashing, don’t ask if the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route and DON’T DRIVE AROUND US!
If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you’ve already beaten the odds.
When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don’t expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don’t expect the officer to take the time to explain.
Here’s how to get out of a ticket. Don’t break the law.
If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you’re getting pulled over.
In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic violations. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance. 3 out of 10 had suspended driver’s licenses. 2 out of 10 had warrants. 1 out of 10 had felony warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother’s knowledge.
If you’ve just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with, “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
We get coffee breaks too.
When you’re the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken.
Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don’t like them either.
If it’s night time, and you’re driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it’s not because of your skin color. I usually can’t tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.
Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone’s son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.
Yes, it’s true, cops usually don’t give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn’t give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.
If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it’s loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets? Many times the guy has no idea it’s there and slows down.
Police work is… Writing reports.
If you rob a gas station you’re only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.
In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show Cops.
Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.
I’ve taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it’s not always the man.
If the light was yellow, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops’ salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops’ salaries so, hey… this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard. There are several copies.
Police Officers… Our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it!
16. ‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
15. ‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’
14. ‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
13. ‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
12. ‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
11 ‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
10 ‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?’
9. ‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’
8. ‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
7. ‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
6. ‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.’
5. ‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
4. ‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
3. ‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
2. ‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail’
AND THE WINNER IS….
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘No.’ Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’
Top Things You Should Not Say To A Judge
“I got your community service right here pal!”
“Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on.”
“You couldn’t carry Wapner’s gavel you moron!”
“You’re not as easy to buy as others said you were.”
“No you robe wearing geek.”
“I don’t suppose there’s a “You get me off, I get you off” type of deal out there?”
“Just out of curiosity, are you wearing pants?”
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
Police work, like any profession, has its own jargon and set of terms and there is sometimes a problem in translating these words from what they appear to be saying to what they really mean.
While on routine patrol…
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner.
The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control.
This officer went “out of service” to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner.
Knowing the suspect had a criminal history…
The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past.
While being arrested, the subject resisted, being injured in the act.
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations.
Upon announcing my title and purpose I heard a voice from inside the house say “Come in,” so I entered through the door.
The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies.
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding.
The Chief appeared at the scene and took command.
Further interview of the witnesses was impossible, due to conditions beyond my control.
The defendant asked this officer’s advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment.