Jimmy Kimmel Lie Detective
This is just mean, but funny as hell!
Charlie Sheen’s Winning Recipes
Top Ten Signs You Know You’ve Joined A Redneck HMO
10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.
9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little “m”s on each pill.
7. Preventive Care Coverage includes “an apple a day”.
6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.
3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2. Directions to the Dr.’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park”.
1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter’s
Some of the artists from the 60′s are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us elders… good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes.
Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
Bobby Darin – “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ A Flash”
The Temptations – “Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone”
Marvin Gaye – “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts”
Procol Harem – “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Johnny Nash – “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
Paul Simon – “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Leo Sayer – “You Make Me Feel like Napping”
ABBA – “Denture Queen”
Roberta Flack – “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Commodores – “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”
The Bee Gees – “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Ringo Starr – “I Get By With A Little Help from Depends”
Andy Rooney On Sex!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….
I don’t remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!
And you thought he was just a nice old man didn’t you?
Fun Things To Do At The Mall
10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leak proof”.
3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
1. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
A Teenager Is…
A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by their favorite band played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver’s license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Life Of A Senior Citizen
1. I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
2. I’m very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
3. I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
4. I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
5. I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
6. I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you are saying.
7. I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
8. I’m so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care…
9. I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
10. I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
11. I’m wrinkled, saggy and bumpy and that’s just my left leg.
12. I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
13. I’m anti-everything now: Anti-fat, Anti-smoke, Anti-noise, Anti-inflammatory
14. I’m going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors… Absolutely nothing!
15. I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
16. I’m in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP. . .
17. I’m wondering… If you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
18. I’m supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
19. I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the storeroom.
Answering Service At The Mental Institute
“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”
Men And Women One-Liners
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.
First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.
I haven’t found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.
Men have feelings too. . . . But who really cares.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled: ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.’
My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they’ll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.
The average woman prefers brains over beauty but the average man can see better than he can think.
Top 10 Signs You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter “where” you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you’re being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.