How To Get Kids To Eat Vegetables
Things You Will Never Hear Women Say
7 What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
6. Can we NOT talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
5. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don’t care if it’s on sale; $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
A Woman’s Life
A Woman’s Perfect Breakfast
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
(a man’s perspective)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a moth.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.
He addressed a man. “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
Cigarettes And Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s soooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
Wife Vs. Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day, 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
What Is Marketing
The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING. However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Here it is:
You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
-That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your body lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
-That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
-That’s Brand Recognition.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
-That’s a Sales Rep.
Your friend can’t satisfy him, so he calls you.
-That’s Tech Support.
You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of the house in the middle and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
-That’s Junk Mail.
Muslim TV Guide
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if the Mullah Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq’s Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
9:00 Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
8:00 Judge Osama
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed’s Creek
9:30 No-witness News
Basic Laws of Employment
1. If you’re unable to get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. Never become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
3. After any salary increase, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Whenever bosses talk about productivity improvements, they’re never talking about themselves.
6. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
7. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.
8. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.
9. If you’re good, you’ll be assigned all the work. If you’re really good, you’ll know how to get out of it.
10. When you aren’t sure what to do, walk fast and look worried.
11. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
12. Consume one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
13. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Learn To Speak Southern
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we’re here to help…
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.”
ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”
RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”
FARN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”
JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”
VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!”
BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!”
Visitor Guide To Driving In LA
You must first learn to pronounce the city name; it is L. A.
The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday, just after noon.
The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, our speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered “Wussy.”
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L.A. Has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell-phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and probably shot.
Never honk at anyone. EVER. Seriously it’s another offense that can get you shot.
Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L.A. and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
MapQuest does not work here–none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do, and the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated.”
If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55 – 65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped-off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.
Do not try to estimate travel time– just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning
And finally, why is the L. A. Freeway called the ’405′? Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there.
How To Know Who Your Best Friend Is
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.