MadTv Donimos Pizza
• Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is bad
• Try not to discuss “your day” at the family dinner table
• You may not install a “car catcher” on the front of the ambulance
• The more equipment you see on a EMT’s belt, the newer they are
• Examine all chest clutchers first, bleeders next, then the rest of the whiners
• When dealing with citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was wrong
• All bleeding stops… eventually
• You can’t cure stupid
• If it’s wet and sticky and not yours — LEAVE IT ALONE!!!
• “Riding shotgun” does not mean you shoot the tires of non-yielding vehicles
• If at all possible, avoid any edible item that fire fighters prepare
• EMS is extended periods of boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror
• Every emergency has three phases: PANIC… FEAR… REMORSE
• A good tape job will fix almost anything
• Yuppies involved in accidents complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is
• It’s not a compliment when Policemen say you’re crude, crass & cynical
• The severity of the injury is directly proportional to the weight of the patient
• Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens
• Schedule your days off to avoid working during full phases of the Moon
• There is no such thing as a “textbook case”
• You’ve come to conclude 90% of all drunks are a waste of protoplasm
• Never refer to someone in respiratory distress as a “Smurf”
• Automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have had
• Your social skills will be lacking, if all your anecdotes deal with blood
• Assume every female between 6 and 106 is pregnant until proven otherwise
• Get very, very scared when a child is too quiet
• Don’t place bets on the glucose level of an unresponsive patient
• You cannot institute a surcharge for unruly or surly patients
• It is not necessary to have a pet name for your cardiac monitor
• Don’t worry about the gunshot wound as much as dealing with the family
• As long as stupidity remains epidemic in the US, you have job security
• Arab Coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student’s offices.
• Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
• Frying Pan: Standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.
• Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
• Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
• Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
• Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”
• Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
• Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
• Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Why Do Men Die First?
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritisms. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If SHE asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
Why do men die first?
Because they want to!
With Respect…Rodney Dangerfield
I was so depressed; I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor…
They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”
I went to massage parlor…
It was self service.
Halloween the parents send their kids out looking like me…
Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off!
I meet the strangest people sometimes…
Some guy’s been following me around with a pooper scooper.
When my old man wanted sex…
My mother would show him a picture of me
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
One time at a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.
He thought I meant my wife!
It’s tough being married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips.
Yet she won’t drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire.
Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
This morning when I put on my underwear
I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
Not much left as far as my sex life goes
My only thrill is self inflicted hickeys.
A travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii.
No days… just nights.
You think you got problems???
I appeal to everyone who can do me absolutely no good.
My wife put a mirror over our bed.
She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.
I have the worst luck though…
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
A girl phoned me & said.. “Come on over, nobody’s home.”
I went over – - Nobody was home!
I met the surgeon general.
He offered me a cigarette!
While making love, I asked if she was gonna hate herself in the morning
She said, “No!!! I hate myself now.”
Genuine Statements Made In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Using The ATM
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine. Here is his and hers ATM usage explained…
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rear view mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Rules For Life
• Few people blame themselves…until they have exhausted all other possibilities
• Live each day like it is your last…someday it will be
• A person with a tidy desk…is not doing much work
• All builders’ quotes and time estimates are complete fiction
• Bad weather reports are more likely to be accurate than good weather reports
• Any man you meet after the age of 40 will have a fatal flaw
• Never trust a man with a ponytail
• The woman on the plane with 3 children is heading for the seat beside you
• You always have less money in your bank account than you think
• As soon as you take your shoes off…The boss calls you into his office
• Ugly plants grow faster and better than beautiful ones…and they’ll last forever
• Most things (other than clothes) are easier to get into than to get out of
• When you cross a one-way street…always look both ways
• “I don’t want it brilliant, I want it today” is the office theme of today
• People who say “I wish I had time to read” are not readers
• Never trust anyone who tells you too much about themselves at a first meeting
• Never bad-mouth anyone’s former partner…Next week they’ll be back together
• In the office, don’t ask difficult questions after 4 pm on Friday
• When you don’t know what you’re doing…Do it neatly
• The number of people watching is proportionate to the stupidity of your actions
• If somebody says “It’s not the money, it’s the principle”…it’s the money
• If you can’t beat them, join them…then beat them
• A penny saved is a penny saved…Think bigger!
• Never explain…Explanations only confuse issues
• Opportunity knocks at the most inopportune moment
• A workable falsehood is more useful than a complex set of lies
• The longer you wait in a line…The more likely it is to be the wrong line
• The person who snores the loudest falls asleep first
• Moderation might be the key to success…But you only after you’ve tried excess
• The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning
• Bills are never delayed in the mail
• Never step into anything soft
• Everything gets worse under pressure
• People who say “I don’t play games”…Are playing one
• Refuse to buy anything if you don’t understand the instruction manual
• In the office, don’t ask difficult questions after 4 pm on Friday!!!
Mistakes On A Resume
These are from actual resumes:
“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.
“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”
“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
“Responsibility makes me nervous.”
“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”
“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”
“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”
“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”
“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”
“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”
“I’m a rabid typist.”
“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”
Ordering A Modern Day Pizza
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. McNaughton. I see you live on Glenforest St., and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is email@example.com. Which number are you calling from sir?
Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you get all this information?
Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’! d like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
Operator: I don’t think that’s a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you’ve got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won’t allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I’m sure you’ll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I’d like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet Soybean Recipes’ from your local library last week, sir. That’s why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won’t work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you’re in a hurry you might want to pick’em up while you’re out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?
Operator: It says here you’re in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I’d advise watching your language, sir. You’ve already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2-liter of Coke.
Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
You Know You’re In Trouble When…
…Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
…Your suggestion box starts ticking.
…Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
…The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
…People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
…You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
…The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
…You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.