If Men Were Women
Actual “Senior” Personal Ads Seen In Florida Newspapers:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5’4″ (used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
Joke: A novice programmer was explained the meaning of RTFM. He showed up the next day saying: “So I went out and bought the Kama Sutra. Now what?”
Meta-joke: If you tell the joke above to a non-programmer, he will ask: “What’s RTFM?” A programmer will ask: “What’s Kama Sutra?”
Meta-meta-joke: If instead of laughing in response in the meta-joke above you have asked “I knew both, now who am I”, then you are probably a programmer over the age of 30, who has realized the value of social skills, and who may even be married, but who is still an uber-geek who takes things way too literally.
If you have asked “I googled both, now who am I”, then you are probably a high-school kid who reads stackoverflow and takes things way too literally, but who had not yet known about RTFM or Kama Sutra. Congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming an uber-geek. Please try to acquire some social skills along the way. You may not think so now, but they do come in handy.
Test Your Business Sense
You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, and all your tests indicate that the only way it would have any effect at all on an enemy plane is if you could somehow sneak into the cockpit and whack the pilot over the head with it. How should you deal with this problem?
- Try really hard to do a better job
- Tell the Defense Department that they should get another contractor
- Refund at least some of the taxpayers’ money
- Offer to redesign the weapon at no cost to the taxpayers
CORRECT ANSWER: What problem?
You are a major automobile manufacturer. You have been losing sales to cars from other nations, particularly Japan, because their cars tend to be fuel efficient, technologically advanced, and extremely well made, whereas the most innovative concept you have come up with in the past two decades is the opera window.
- Have Congress restrict Japanese imports, so consumers will have no choice
- Have Congress offer a very large tax incentive for buying your car(s)
- Have Congress order the United States Army to order them as Staff cars
- Sneak Pearl Harbor clips into all your ad campaigns
CORRECT ANSWER: Any or all are acceptable
You are a large seafood processor distributing throughout the U.S. Your inspectors have discovered a sizable amount of the recently shipped product is contaminated by an undersea pollutant. The contamination is not deadly to humans, but simulates the aftereffects of a nauseous three day drinking binge. As a responsible business person,
- Contact the Center for Disease Control and the national media to alert the public
- Announce an immediate recall of your products, but use your competitor’s return address
- Do not acknowledge the problem for at least ten years
- Launch an ad campaign to promote the product as a natural laxative
CORRECT ANSWER: Swear off all seafood for a while
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Steve said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?”
Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”
A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine”
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce Court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said.
“And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself,”
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office; but you didn’t know because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas, although still silent, they smell terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?” “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.” “Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Who’s that woman with Murray?” asks the wife. “That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
“Ours is prettier,” she replies.
Bumper Stickers With The Letter “F”
• F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm!
• Faster than a speeding ticket.
• Fat chicks make my car scrape!
• Fat people are hard to kidnap.
• Few women admit their age, few men act it.
• Fight Socialism…Vote Republican
• First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering…
• Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
• Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
• FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction
• FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
• FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
• FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
• FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
• FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!
• FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
• FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA — AND STEP ON IT !!
• Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.
• For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
• For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
• Forbidden fruits create many jams.
• Forget about World Peace…Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• Friends don’t let friends drive naked!!
• Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.
• The patient was berating the doctor for an extremely large medical bill not covered by his medical plan during a recent hospitalization.
“My dear fellow,” said the doctor, “Let me assure you. If you only knew what a very interesting case yours was, and how strongly and often I was tempted to let it proceed to a post-mortem, you wouldn’t complain at a bill three times that large.”
• A specialist is a doctor with a small practice and a very large house.
• A man goes with his wife to the doctor’s office. Shortly after she goes into the examination room, the doctor comes out and says to the husband, “I don’t like the way your wife looks at all.”
The husband says, “Well doc, neither do I to be honest, but she’s a great lil’ homemaker and real good with the kids.”
• Actually, I only had one real main concern while I was in the hospital. I wanted to somehow be sure that my doctors didn’t attend the same damn school as the cooks.
• Have ya ever noticed that most doctors cure poor people a lot faster?
• Guy’s wife gets terrible sick and can hardly walk, so he finally convinces their family doctor to make a house call. The doctor shows up with the traditional black bag and goes to the wife’s room. A few minutes later he comes out and asks for a screwdriver, goes back into room. Five minutes later, asks for a pair of pliers and goes back into room. Ten minutes later, asks for a hammer and chisel. The husband is freaking out by now.
“My God, doctor!! What’s wrong with her??” he finally asks.
“Beats me,” says the doc. “I’m still trying to get my damn bag open; God damn things rusted shut.”
• Don’t ya just hate it when you go to the doctor’s and you’re sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away??? And the expression on his face worsens with each backward step??? … Ok, maybe that only happens to me.
• These days the first entry in your medical history is who your medical insurance carrier is and if you pay your part of the bill on time.
• Harried Mother of three to pediatrician: “Is there some kind of cereal which will sap all their energy?”
Signs You’re A High Tech Redneck
• Your e-mail address ends in “@over.yonder.com.”
• Your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
• You’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
• You wire your network with jumper cables.
• Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don’t miss her.
• You’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
• Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
• Your spell checker knows words like, “Y’all”, “Yonder”, and “Reckon.”
• Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5″ disk drive.
• Smith & Wesson…the original Point-N-Click interface.
• When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
• You only buy from Gate Way, ’cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.
Anxiety: Nature’s way of getting you up mornings
Bore: One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you
Boy: A noise with dirt on it
Childish Game: One at which you cannot beat your spouse
Chocolate: The other major food group
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people who have no children
Conclusion: Where somebody got tired of thinking
Conscience: The inner voice warning you that somebody may be looking
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket
Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse
Experience: what you get when you don’t get what you want
Gross Ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance
Happiness: wanting what you get
Healthy: The slowest possible rate of dying
Marriage: getting used to a lot of things you least expected
Nervous: Asking which wine goes best with fingernails
Opera: A play where somebody gets stabbed and everybody sings about it
Pessimist: One who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money
Public Office: The last refuge of the incompetent
Sleep: A poor substitute for caffeine
Success: getting what you want
Work: The slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life
The Dough BOY …Sad News……
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.