Father of The Bride Speech – Rowan Atkinson
Best (Or Worst) Excuses For Turning Down A Date
10. That sounds great. This will give me a chance to tell you about my thoughts on the Apocalypse. Say, did you know we are in the last days?
9. I would rather not ruin our friendship.
8. My therapist has advised me not to get involved with anyone during anger management sessions.
7. Sorry, can’t tonight. I’m watching the Martha Stewart Story on Lifetime channel.
6. My ex just got out of drug rehab and I want to be there for her. You know, in case she wants to give our love a second chance.
5. Sounds Okay. Can Bruce come with us?
4. Tonight’s no good. I’m having a wrinkle reduction, skin exfoliation, and micro derm abrasion on my face. I promised myself I wouldn’t cancel it this month.
3. Oh sorry, I need to take my dog in to be – uh – neutered.
2. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy marathon is on tonight.
1. I was actually going to do a little Internet research on erectile dysfunction. Maybe after that?
We had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVR, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone & laptop batteries was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn’t play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife Betty for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Top 10 Rejected Olympic Events
10. NBC Olympic theme humming
9. Naked ice-dancing
8. The 3000-meter snow blower race
7. Blind ski-jumping
6. The rock salt driveway sprinkle
5. The two man downhill butt-slide
4. Tag team snowman building
3. Zamboni Racing
2. Naked bobsledding
1. The 4-person, mixed, freestyle butt-grab.
Disgruntled Hallmark Worker Cards
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don‘t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we‘ve been together,
I can‘t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I‘ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you …
I‘ve changed my mind.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you‘re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You‘ll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
When we were together,
you always said you‘d die for me.
Now that we‘ve broken up,
I think it‘s time you kept your promise.
I ‘m so miserable without you
it‘s almost like you‘re here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we‘re having you put to sleep.
Things You Should Never Say To Your Wife
10. I’m not saying that you look so much like my mom but you definitely act like her.
9. I wasn’t really laughing… just thinking how you would look in that bikini.
8. I’m going out to wash the car – why don’t you do the laundry?
7. You’re canceling on me again? Let me guess — you have a headache, right? Or is Dr. Phil on?
6. What a great meal… You know, my mom is a great cook. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind giving you a few pointers.
5. Seems like someone forgot to take their medication today.
4. That’s a beautiful dress, really – but either it’s shrunk or you’ve got some extra junk in the trunk.
3. Honey, we need to hurry this up — the Super Bowl starts in 5 minutes. So you wanna do this missionary style or what?
2. How can you be upset about that?!? Now pull yourself together, dammit!
1. The smell doesn’t bother me that much, but maybe you could just try a different deodorant.
A Caddy And His Golfer
Golfer: “I’ve played so poorly all day; I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn’t a watch, sir, it’s a compass!”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It’s not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It’s a long time since we started, sir.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Golfer (screaming): “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!”
Caddy: “I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!”
Yet Even More Bad Little Children’s Books
If you are easily offended just go to the next joke section.
1. Donny And Marie Hide Their Shameful Love
2. Mommy, Why Did You Shoot Daddy In The Head? Helping Your Child Understand The Zombie Apocalypse
3. Dexter’s First Suspension!
4. I Wish Daddy Didn’t Drink So Much
5. My First Foot Fetish
6. Mommy’s Breaking Point And How To Go Past It
7. All The Friends You’ll Make In Witness Protection
8. Some Say “Illegals” We Say “The Help”
9. Mommy Drinks Because You’re Bad
10. Horton Hires A Whore!
11. Elmo Eats Radioactive Waste
12. The Berenstain Bears And The Mean Drunk Daddy
13. The Gospel According To Satan
14. If You Give The Kid A Cookie Will He Shut The Fu(k Up
15. Everyone’s An Asshole, Especially You
16. Paxil For All! A Little “We Help Mommy Cope” Book
17. How Mommy Gets Out Of Tickets
18. Little Dick What Did You Lick?
19. The Nice Man I Met On The Internet!
20. The Little Pimp & Ho Wagon
21. The Big Coloring Book Of Vaginas
22. Doctor Dan The Bondage Man
23. The Berenstain Bears, Why Is Mommy Moaning?
24. Arthur Writes A Death Threat
25. Mommy & The Milkman
26. Sally Finally Got Her Medical Marijuana Card
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean is a vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are a plant, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Another important thing is to put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.
Before I forget, a nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?
A special reminder: “Stressed” spelled backward is “desserts”!
Interesting Shower Thoughts
01. Tobacco companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their future customers.
02. Instead of colorizing photos, in 50 years we will be removing filters.
03. The laws that we are supposed to be aware of and abide by are so complex that there is an entire profession dedicated to understanding them.
04. In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
05. I never realize how explicit my music is until my parents hear it in the car.
06. I bet I’d make a fortune if I opened a kiosk in the mall that sews real pockets into women’s pants.
07. People are way more concerned about athletes having to deal with Brazil being unsafe than the millions of people who live there.
08. One of the most tragic aspects of a plane crash is that, presumably, most of the passengers had airline food as their last meal.
09. Baby Boomers were the generation of rebellion yet can’t handle that their children don’t want to live the way they did.
10. Honesty is probably one of the most highly regarded traits in a person, but if I was 100% honest 100% of the time I probably wouldn’t have any friends, family or even a job.
11. In 30 years, “automatic” and “manual” in a car will refer to whether or not it’s a self-driving car.
12. If you grab any rock and split it in half, the inside you now have revealed has probably not seen daylight in millions if not billions of years.
13. It’s like England had three sons, America rebelled as a teen and started a band that saw great success, Canada was the good kid that became a doctor, and Australia was the problem child with a drug problem that moved away and ended up in rehab but has now turned his life around.
14. If you don’t choose to have a kid, you are at the end of a 4 billion year old chemical process that finally just said “screw it”.
15. Childhood memories are a bit like being drunk. You don’t remember all of it, and you cringe at some of the stuff you do remember.
16. I wonder how often baby twins are mixed up by their parents and go their whole lives with each other’s identity.
17. If Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland then the eastern front of WWII was the bloodiest divorce in history.
18. If the world just built an island exclusively to host the Olympics it would be safer, more cost effective, and totally bad ass.
19. Humans have a 36-60 hours battery life, but we just like to remain above 50% or else our performance drops.
20. A night club is basically a party for people that weren’t invited to an actual party. It’s also a party where you won’t be accountable or recognized the next day.
21. Dogs are the wolves who sold out to the man.
22. People these days require more computing power to sit on the toilet than astronauts did to get to the moon.
23. Physics is an attempt to reverse-engineer the source code of our existence.
24. When doing the limbo, if you set the bar low, then you’re setting the bar high.
25. When people say “I forgot something” it is usually because they remembered something.
PARENT – Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on-call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
For the rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.