Bob Nelson Football Routine
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says ‘If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.’
2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother’….
Santa wrote back, ‘SEND ME YOUR MOTHER’……
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, ‘Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means ‘Without Information Fighting Every time’!’
Wife replies, ‘No, it means ‘With Idiot For Ever’!!!’
4. Importance of a period
Teacher: ‘Do you know the importance of a period?’
Kid: ‘Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our next door neighbor ran away.’
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, ‘What is the difference between confident and confidential?’
Dad says, ‘You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential!’
6. Anger management?
Husband: ‘When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?’
Wife: ‘I clean the toilet.’
Husband: ‘How does that help?’
Wife: ‘I use your toothbrush
To tell what the weather is like go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he’s wet, it’s probably raining.
But if the dog is really soaking wet, it’s probably raining very hard.
If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you must leave the dog outside at all times, especially if you expect bad weather.
Another Rotten Day
How you can tell when it’s going to be a rotten day?
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.
7. Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
8. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.
9. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
10. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
11. Your income check bounces.
12. Your pet rock snaps at you.
13. Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.
14. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.
Sex and Calories
How much weight do we lose during sex?
Diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.
1 hr. intensive foreplay burns off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking burns off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner burns off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself burns off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3; Decanting the wine: 4; Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: 15; If you are anxious: 43; If you beg: 100
SEDUCING THE PARTNER If you are rich (cash): 5; If you are rich (credit card): 15; If you are poor: 200
INITIAL BODY CONTACT Fumbling: 4; Casually rummaging around: 7; Seriously rummaging around: 42
REMOVING CLOTHES With partner’s consent: 12; Without partner’s consent: 187; Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418
AROUSAL AND STIMULATION Blowing in partner’s ear: 15; Blowing in your own ear: 2,512
DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed) Partner looks better with clothes on: 10; Partner wears corrective underwear: 15; Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100; You don’t mind: 0.25; Partner wearing elevated socks: 50
DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME Fumbling around: 4; Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18; Completely missing: 126
POSITIONS Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26; German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48; English (woman on top; man hiding): 15; American (both on top): 1,243
AFFLICTIONS Leg cramp: 36; Making believe you don’t have a leg cramp: 612; Sneezing (during intercourse): 7; Sneezing (during orgasm): 588
ASSORTED ACCIDENTS Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5; Toupee slips off (if partner didn’t know): 72; Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1; Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17; Extinguishing cigarette (in partner’s leg): 133; Calling your partner the wrong name: 50
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE Shoes flew off: 15; Expression didn’t change: 0.5; Room turned purple: 4; Face turned purple: 78; Earth moved: 30; If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588; Moaning in Turkish: 506
THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX “I am so grateful”: 15; “It must have been something we ate”: 15; “Was it good for you?”: 15; “Are you finished?”: 15
TRYING AGAIN If woman is ready: 5; If man is not: 563
ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP After sex: 18; During sex: 546; While parking car: 212
SLEEP Real: 5; Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74
TAKING A BATH TOGETHER In a bath: 5; In a sink: 150; In a Jacuzzi: 15,269
MAKING THE BED With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired). With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)
KEEPING A JOURNAL Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn’t go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned. A typical entry in a woman’s journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:
December 1st: Sex with Harold:-
Explaining how: 12; Suggesting something different: 3; Calming terrified Harold: 40; Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8; Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56; Intercourse (standing position): 22; Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10; Intercourse (urging him on): 5; Orgasm: not sure; Thanking Harold: 3; Waving bye-bye: 1; Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting); Total calories burned: 160
Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 When you read about the evils of drinking, and give up reading.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence?? – I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
10 “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife “where are the kids?”, but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning that all the liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19 Had “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, forget dinner!
Her Diary VS His Diary
Sunday night – I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong – he said, “Nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV, he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Today the Mets lost, but at least I got laid.
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
‘Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean, it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.’
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
‘No kidding. I’m a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?’
Putting Your Affairs In Order
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. ‘Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.’ After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, why did you just tell your friends you were dying of AIDS.’
The woman said, ‘I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
That’s ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order’.
Signs You’re Probably A Blue-Neck
* You think barbecue is a verb meaning, “to cook outside.”
* You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
* You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
* For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
* You don’t know what a moon pie is.
* You’ve never had an RC Cola.
* You’ve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
* You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
* You have no idea what a polecat is.
* You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
* You don’t have bangs.
* You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
* More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
* Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
* You don’t think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
* You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
* The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.
* You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
* The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
* You refer to binoculars as opera glasses.
* You can’t spit out of the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
* You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
* You don’t know what an applique is.
* You don’t know anyone with at least two first names (e.g. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.).
* You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
* You can do your laundry without quarters.
* None of your fur coats are homemade.
What to do when your dinner is interrupted:
- Ask them if they’ve got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you’re not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead
- Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4. Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotize the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you’re ever used this kind of ketchup you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
- Speak in ragga chant
- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says
- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.
- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you’re the ghost of him/her.
- Sell them on the “value of high colonics”. Explain your “dedication to good health” in your most convincing, passionate voice.