The Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account
10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there are no rivers. (Nikita Khruschev)
• Most people want to be delivered from temptation, but would like it to keep in touch. (R. Orben)
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. (Lily Tomlin)
• We die only once, and for such a long time. (Moliere)
• The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. (William Butler Yeats)
• Never eat more than you can lift. (Miss Piggy)
• No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who’s giving it. (Hal Chadwick)
• Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t. (Richard Bach)
• Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)
• I don’t know why we are in such a hurry to get up when we fall down. You might think we would lie there and rest awhile. (Max Eastman)
• Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving in words evidence of the fact. (George Eliot)
• Any plant growing in the wrong place is a “weed”. (Farmer’s Almanac)
• We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile. (Grace Williams)
• Heaven goes by favor, if it went by merit, you would stay out, and your dog would go in. (Mark Twain)
• If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. (Henny Youngman)
• If silence is golden, not many people can be arrested for hoarding. (E.C. McKenzie)
• I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. (Kehlog Albran)
• Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people. (F.M. Hubbard)
• Life is great, but the hours are hell. (Gregory G. Parrish)
• When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. (The Wall Street Journal)
• Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? (Clarence Darrow)
• It is not true that life is one damn thing after another…its one damn thing over and over. (Edna St. Vincent Millay)
• We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. (W.H. Auden)
• Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired. (R. Geis)
Software Engineering Glossary
Defining Computer Terms From a “Marketing” Point of View
ALL NEW — The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN — Upper management doesn’t understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH — It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW — It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY — It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE — We’re the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED — Manufacturing doesn’t have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION — All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC — It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY — All the directories compare.
IT’S HERE AT LAST — We’ve released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE — It’s impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS — It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN — It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY — The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED — We’ll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM — We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED — It’s almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE — Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT — We finally got one to work.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Definition Of Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your wife and still having the guts to ask:
“Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?’
How to Annoy People At Work
1) Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2) Practice making fax and modem noises.
3) During meetings, disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the cartridge across the room.
4) Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5) ALWAYS TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON.
6) type only in lower case.
8) While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
10) Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
Universal College Professor Translator
“You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field “:
I wrote the thing and need the royalties
“If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in this course “:
Providing of course, you don’t need any sleep or other “life”
“The gist of what the author is saying is what’s most important “:
I don’t understand this at all either
“Various authorities agree that… “:
My hunch is that…
“The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class “:
I don’t know
“Come see me during my office hours for an answer to your question “:
I don’t know
“In answer to your question, there are several disparate points of view “:
I really don’t know
“Today we are going to discuss a most important topic “:
Today we are going to discuss my dissertation
“We haven’t time to consider everyone who made contributions to this field.”:
I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said
“We can continue this discussion outside of class “:
I’m tired of this – let’s quit (and/or)
You’re winning the argument – let’s quit
“Today we’ll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience”:
I stayed out too late last night and didn’t have time to prepare a lecture
Alright, I’m ready to leave now
“The implications of this study are clear “:
I don’t know what all this means either, but they’ll be a question about it on the next test
“The test will be 50-questions, multiple choice”:
The test will be 60-questions multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 65 per cent
“The test scores were generally good “:
Some of you managed a C+
“The test scores were a little below my expectations “:
Where was the party last night? (and/or)
Did any of you idiots even bother to study?
“Some of you could have done better “:
“Before we begin today, are there any questions about previous material?”:
Has anyone bothered to open the book yet?
“According to my sources… “:
According to the guy who taught this thing last year…
“It’s been very rewarding to teach this class”:
I hope they find some other sucker to teach this turkey next year
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep”.
“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
“OK, why not” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.
“That’s correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog”.
Words To Live By
• It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
• We have enough “youth”. How about a fountain of “smart”?
• The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
• A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
• Learn from your parents’ mistakes use birth control
• Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• If at first you don’t succeed skydiving is not for you.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
• Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
• Alabama state motto: At least we’re not Mississippi.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
• “I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.”
Genie And The Taliban
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give each of you each one wish. That’s three wishes total,” says the genie
The Canadian says, “I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”
With a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.”
Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
“Uncle Sam” (A former civil engineer), asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out – it’s virtually impenetrable.”
Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water.”