Disney Princess Spring Breakers Trailer
Yogi Berra’s Most Memorable Quotes
Yogi Berra, considered one of the best catchers in major league history, died of natural causes at the age of 90 Tuesday. The Yankees legend and Hall of Famer may be better known for the way he creatively butchered the English language, with what became known as Yogi-isms.
1. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
2. “It’s deja vu all over again.”
3. “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”
4. “Never answer an anonymous letter.”
5. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
6. “You can observe a lot by watching.”
7. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
8. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”
9. “It gets late early out here.”
10. “If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”
11. “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
12. “Pair up in threes.”
13. “Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.”
14. “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
15. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”
16. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
17. “Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.”
18. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
19. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
20. “I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.”
21. “I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”
22. “I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”
23. “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”
24. “In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”
25. “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
26. “I never said most of the things I said.”
27. “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”
28. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
29. “I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.”
30. “So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”
31. “Take it with a grin of salt.”
32. (On the 1973 Mets) “We were overwhelming underdogs.”
33. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
34. “You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
35. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
You Too Can Annoy Everyone
• Drum your fingers on every available surface
• Hum the Batman theme incessantly
• Staple papers in the middle of the page
• Put anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off
• Publicly demonstrate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise
• Honk and wave to strangers
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange
• Tape “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies
• Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
• Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-cylindric-landscape mode
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE
• Tie jingle bells to all your clothes
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley
• Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”
• At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
• Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk
• Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read
• Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it
• Play the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
• Ask people what gender they are
• Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think”
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl
• Forget the punch line to a long joke; assure listener it was a “cool”
• Follow someone around; spray everything they touch with Lysol
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September
• Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at cars to see if they slow down
• Wear a LOT of cologne
• Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy”
• Ask mysterious questions, and scribble the answers in a notebook
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims
• Never make eye contact, or Never break eye contact
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
• Chant random numbers while someone is counting
• Send this list to your coworkers.
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
And the best one for last…………
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”
You Know You’re Over the Hill When…
• All your measurements are now small, medium and large…in that order
• Instead of “Happy Birthday” people sing “Kumbaya” due to the candle fire
• You start video taping daytime game shows
• When dining out, you complain that the gelatin is too tough
• Your new easy chair has more options than your car
• During the “Hokey Pokey”, you put your left hip out — and it stays out
• One of the throw pillows on your couch is a heating pad
• Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments”
• It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump
• You’re on a TV game show; you decide to risk it all & go for the lounger
• You get out of breath walking down a flight of stairs
• You look both ways before crossing a room
• Your social security number only has three digits
• You hear your mouth making promises your body can’t keep
• The waiter asks how you’d like your steak, and you say “pureed”
• Your back goes out more often than you do
• Hospital food starts tasting good
• Your childhood toys are now in a museum
• All of your favorite movies have been re-done in color
• You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head
• Your three favorite pastimes involve sleep
• Medicare informs you that you’re too old for their coverage
• You can’t be tried by a jury of your peers — there aren’t enough
• A passing funeral procession stops to see if you need a lift
• Watching paint dry now holds a certain fascination
GM Vs Microsoft
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.
Alright, we all celebrate at New Year’s, some of us to excess. However, please consider the below listed tip-offs as signs you may have A drinking problem the rest of the year:
• You fall off the floor quite often
• Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle
• You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects
• You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
• You don’t recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
• You think the 4 Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Munchies & Women
• You sincerely believe that alcohol is the elusive 5th food group
• You say “Usually, I’m Serfectly Pober” a lot
• Your job interferes with happy hour
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream
• The back of your head has a callous from the toilet seat hitting it
• You can focus better with one eye closed
• Mosquitoes fly “funny” after they bite you
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt on your Marguerita glass
• At AA meetings, you begin, “Hi, my name is… uh….”
• Senator Kennedy just shakes his head sadly when you walk past
• You think a drinking problem means two hands & one mouth
• You’re the town drunk, but you live in New York City
• You were voted most likely to dissolve in College
Things That Keep People In Their 30s Up At Night
01. I think I’m turning into my parents.
02. It’s been over a decade since I was in college.
03. Where did my twenties go?
04. I’m the last of my friends who’s still single.
05. What is this ache and is it fatal?
06. Why didn’t I start a Roth IRA sooner?
07. Will I be renting for the rest of my life?
08. Why the hell did I have coffee after 3 p.m.?
09. I hope my brunch date cancels tomorrow.
10. Good Lord, I’m old enough to be Lorde’s mother/father.
11. I think this mattress is the cause of my back pain.
12. Do my new ~comfy~ shoes look like granny shoes?
13. When my parents were my age, I was 10.
14. What the fuck is “Periscope” and why do I even care?
15. I’d prefer to just send a gift than attend another baby shower.
16. Definitely should not have had that second slice of pizza.
17. People who are in college now were born in the ’90s.
18. What is a flex spending card and why don’t I have one?!
19. My co-workers were toddlers when I graduated from high school.
20. SHOULD I pluck that gray hair?
21. “When I was her age…” OMG no.
22. My closet is half full of clothes I haven’t worn in a decade.
23. How can I make _________ a tax write-off?
24. Why does the heartthrob I crushed on as a teen suddenly look so old?
25. I can’t go to concerts anymore that don’t have seats.
26. If I had a baby tomorrow, I’d be in my fifties when they graduate from college.
27. Crap, it’s almost the end of the year and I need 2,000 more miles to get status on United!
28. There’s an entire generation of people alive who don’t “get” my hilarious movie references.
20. What will I do on Friday nights if Netflix ever goes away?
30. OK, seriously, how is it only 9 p.m.?
The Cynic’s Dictionary (Q – Z)
Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
QUALITY OF LIFE:
What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
Sitting on one’s inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, by anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss.
An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.
A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question “How are you?” in the negative.
Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to road kill.
The usual alternative to overwork.
The one place where all men are peers.
1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.
2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.
A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Someone From The IT Department Saying:
1) NO! Not that button!
2) Do you smell something?
3) I have never seen it do that before…
4) I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s lots of free space.
5) What do you mean you needed that directory?
6) Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
7) The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
8) Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
I don’t care if you call them adages, proverbs, maxims, aphorisms, famous sayings, or whatever. The point is, kids have a whole different slant on them than you or I.
A teacher gave a group of young students well known quotes to finish as they saw fit. Below are the results:
A rolling stone...plays the guitar
The grass is always greener…when you remember to water it
A bird in the hand…is a real mess
No news is…no newspaper
It’s better to light one candle than to…waste electricity
It’s always darkest just before…I open my eyes
You have nothing to fear but…homework
If you can’t stand the heat…don’t start the fireplace
If you can’t stand the heat…go swimming
Never put off until tomorrow what…you should have done yesterday
A penny saved is…nothing in the real world
The squeaking wheel…gets annoying
We have nothing to fear but…our principal
To err is human…to eat a muskrat is not
I think, therefore…I get a headache
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and…someone yells, “Shut up!”
Better to light a candle than to…light an explosive
It’s always darkest before…midnight
Early to bed and early to rise…is first in the bathroom
A journey of a thousand miles begins…with a blister
There is nothing new under…the bed
The grass is always greener…when you put manure on it
Don’t count your chickens…it takes too long