Make Your Life Better by Adopting!
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Jokes For The Husbands
Water in the carburetor
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out.
Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
“No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”
Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…
“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
A Senior Citizen is…
· the life of the party…even if it does last until 8 pm
· very good at opening child proof caps with a pair of pliers
· a driver who wonders why all those cars are following behind them
· usually interested in going home, before they get to where they’re going
· a walking storeroom of facts, although some have lost the key
· good on a trip anywhere for about an hour or so without their meds
· a person who “Mall walks” for 2 hours then goes to a buffet for breakfast
· the first one to find the restroom wherever they go
· a woman who checks the stove three times before going out
· awake many hours before their body allows them to get up
· a parent who wonders exactly when their kids became smarter than them
· very good at telling stories, over and over and over
· a shopper who wishes a clerk would ask to see their Sr’s discount card
· positive everyone is walking and driving faster these days
· sure other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as theirs
· really cared for: long term care, eye care, dental care, Medicare
· not grouchy; they just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds or children
· a person who smiles a lot because they can’t hear a word you’re saying
· positive everything they can’t find is in a safe place
· wrinkled, saggy, and lumpy — and that’s just their left leg
· a person who sometimes has trouble remembering simple words like…
· one who spends more time with their pillow than with their mate
· a man who still chases women, but sometimes can’t remember why
· aware aging is not for sissies
· anti-everything: anti-fat, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory
· a person who walks more now, like to the bathroom, but enjoys it less
· sure all the doctors are much too young and inexperienced these days
· aware you’re only as old as ya feel, but wonders how they could be 150
· positive newspapers are printed with smaller fonts to save space
· a person who can recall June 1959 vividly…but forgot what happened yesterday
These days, there’s only five basic food groups…canned, frozen, pizza, fast and carry-out
Those guys who fancy themselves gourmets…Really ain’t no more than a glutton in a tux
Did y’all ever notice that there are no recipes at all for leftover lobster?
With all the preservatives in processed food these days…isn’t it comforting to know most of it will outlive you.
About the only good thing I’ve noticed with liver is that you can always get all of it ya want
Did y’all ever eat dinner at a vegetarian’s home?
Hell, I get more nourishment biting my lip
The word “stressed” makes a lot more sense when you consider it’s “desserts” spelled backwards
Never eat anything where the list of ingredients is two columns long
Nowadays, we’re kept alive by half of the foods we eat and killed by the other half
One Chinese restaurant near me had food so bad…The fortune cookies all contained “Get Well” cards
Did ya ever wonder how the guy who developed Cottage Cheese knew when he was finished?
Contrary to popular belief in Ocean City New Jersey…Salt Water Taffy is not really seafood
Never mind marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother…Marry one who makes dough, like her father
Why is it that quarter-ounce of chocolate candy always equals four pounds of fat?
Don’t you believe for a minute that pork is “Fat Free“…You pay the same price for the fat as you do the meat
I could tell it was a “Kiss Off” dinner. The whole time, she looked at me as if I was a side dish she hadn’t ordered
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1586 sheep”.
“That is correct; take one of the sheep” said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
“OK, why not” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant” said the shepherd.
“That’s correct” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog”.
•Who’s been roasting marshmallows in the Warp Drive?
•Be wewy wewy quiet… I’m hunting Womulins
•Borger King — your way is irrelevant
•Captain, I need to kill someone (Worf)
•Captain Kirk, you’re staring at my breasts again (Janis)
•Damn It Jim…I’m a Doctor not a Tagline writer!!!
•Dax: just another slug with a pretty face
•Ensign Expendable, see what’s behind that rock
•Give her to Riker…he’ll make love to anything
•Go Cry on someone else’s shoulder, I’m off-duty (Troi)
•He’s dead Jim…Grab his wallet…I’ll get his watch
•How do I set my phaser to tickle?
•I can’t believe it…I’ve heard of this disease (Beverly)
•I’m not Bajoran…Sisko punched me in the nose
•Mister Worf, show our guests to the airlock (Picard)
•Once again, Odo wins the Twister championship
•Scotty, hurry…beam me out of he@#$%^&*(……….NO CARRIER)
•Set phasers to deep fry
•Stop that damn smirking Number One (Picard)
•Prime Directive, MY ASS…hit ‘em with everything we got!!!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
The World’s Shortest Books
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
- Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America’s Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit – A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
- Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
- “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
- “One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes” by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
Bad Tips From Martha Stewart
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive cell phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
The Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-mail Account
10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”