Honest New York Times Ad
Regardless of who wins the presidential election this November, we will witness history being made.
If Hillary Clinton wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that two U.S. presidents have slept with each other!
If Donald Trump wins the U.S. presidential election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
Is this a great country or what?
Female Bumper Stickers
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. IF THEY DON’T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN’T GOING.
3. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
4. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
5. DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
6. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
7. OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
8. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
9. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?
10. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!
WINE AND WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
Finally A Colonoscopy Joke I Hadn’t Heard…
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse told me.
“I haven’t got an erection,” I replied.
“No, but I have,” replied the nurse.
Don’t get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
• Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for???
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
For The Boys Only, And Understanding Girls
The human body has 7 trillion nerves…….
my wife manages to get on every fu(king one of them.
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my Johnson.
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional, I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don’t enter that church, you damn fool!!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
New Viruses On The Loose!
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 1TB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 250MB and then slowly expands back to 750MB.
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
You’re in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
- You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
- You don’t tan, you roast.
- You can’t even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.