iPhone 7 Feature Breakdown
Top Ten Indicators You Company Has Switched To A Really Bad Health Plan
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is “An apple a day..”
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the coveralls you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. Where it says, “The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” it’s not a typographical error.
3. The only expense that is 100% covered is “embalming.”
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
And the number one sign you’ve joined a really bad health plan:
1. You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
Homer Simpson Lines
10. You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
9. When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.
8. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
7. Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.
6. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers…
5. Okay, brain. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. But let’s get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
4. Facts are meaningless. You couldn’t use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
3. You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
2. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
1. I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex. It’s also the food preparation.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.
Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.
You Know You’ve Been Online Too Long When…
• Your dog leaves you.
• You have to ask what year it is.
• You write a letter like this.. “dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta go bbl!”
• You name your pets after people you IM to.
• You smile sideways ; -)
• You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
• You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
• You bring a bag lunch & a cooler…to the computer.
• You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
• You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
• Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
• You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
• You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
• You don’t know where the time has gone.
• You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
• You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
• You don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
• You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.
• You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
• Your voicemail/answering machine message is “BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL”.
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn’t resist and went to the old man’s jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded “That’s ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms.”
Disorder In Court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten? _____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. __
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. __________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Philosophy Of Housecleaning!
I don’t do windows because …
I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don’t wax floors because …
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I’ll feel terrible (plus they may sue me.)
I don’t mind the dust bunnies because…
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don’t disturb cobwebs because…
I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don’t spring clean because…
I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous
I don’t put things away because…
My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don’t do gourmet meals because…
When I entertain I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don’t iron because…
I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.
I don’t stress much on anything because …
“A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman!!!!
REMEMBER . . .
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer
How To Have Fun In The Workplace
Find out where your boss shops and purchase exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This tends to be especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Page yourself over the intercom without disguising your voice.
Send email to the other employees telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
Sit at your desk and soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Whenever someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they’d like fries with that.
Encourage your co-workers to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Highlight your shoes, explaining to everyone that you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker, requesting he/she settle the disagreement.
Put your trash can on your desk and label it “IN”.
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send email messages saying there’s free donuts, pizza or cake in the lunchroom. When people return to their desks complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “You snooze, you lose.”
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, immediately switch to espresso.