My Waffle Wedded Wife
Funny Compilation Of People Falling Down
Heaven And Hell
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
And everything’s run by the Swiss
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
And everything’s run by the Italians.
College Application Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant, when applying to NYU where he now attends.
3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat . 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Addicted To Internet Porn
Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
- During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.
- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a cable modem, and a tissue dispenser.
- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”
- Tells everyone he’s a pioneer in “palm computing.”
- He’s suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, “Boy, I’d like to click on her.”
- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
- During sex, he shouts, “Refresh! Refresh!”
- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you… he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
* SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
* SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a ‘home business’.
* 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message ’404 Not Found’ meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).
* MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.
* BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.
* LAST TIME BUYER: A person buying a retirement home.
Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
7. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
8. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
9. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
10. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
11. Name your dog “Dog.”
12. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
13. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
14. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
15. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
16. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
17. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
18. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
19. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
20. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
21. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
22. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
23. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
24. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
25. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Text Codes For Seniors
ATD – At The Doctors
BFF – Best Friend Fell
BTW – Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
GHA – Got heartburn Again
IMHO – Is My Hearing-aid On
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
TTYL – Talk To You Louder
Things Not To Do At A Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you’re the deceased’s gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow’s limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Yesterday was an awful day for me.
My husband ran off with his secretary.
My son pierced his eyebrow.
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.
My dog mated with the neighbors cat.
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution.
My Mom told me I was adopted.
My boss told me I was laid off.
My sister was arrested for prostitution.
My house has termites.
My car was stolen.
All that came in the mail was bills.
A plane crash landed on my garage.
And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!
But please…. DON’T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!
My Very First Time!
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.
I don’t know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it’s all over now.
My first time ever…
…Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)