Hot Girl Exposes Hairy Chest
Funny Text Messages
What’s worse than your boyfriend sending you a text to ‘Break up’?
Another text saying ‘Sorry That Wasn’t For You’
My brother text me saying he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
I wish I never told her, put her right off sex that night.
My wife just sent me a “sex text”.
It says “Not tonight, dear”.
When I’m bored I like to text random numbers and say…
I hid the body, what now?
My daughter just text me, “Dad, which is better, to pass or to fail?”
I replied, “To pass, of course.”
Then she said, “Well you’ll be proud of me then. I’ve just passed my pregnancy test.”
I suspected my girlfriend of cheating, and my worst fears were confirmed. I received a text saying she wanted to see other people.
But I soon realized I had nothing to worry about when I received another text 2 minutes later saying “Sorry babe, that text wasn’t meant for you.”
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father…’
The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar….”
Things You’ll Never Hear A Southern American Say
• I thought Graceland was tacky.
• No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
• Do you think my hair is too big?
• Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
• Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?
• Damned if that polititian ain’t honest!
• We’re vegetarians.
• I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
• You can’t feed that to the dog.
• Trim the fat off that steak.
• I just love the Opera
• Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
• Wrasslin’s fake.
One day in the Bakery…
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see anything!”
The Jew says to the Arab, “I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew.” He goes to the owner and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it.
The owner is starting to wonder what the magic trick is and says, “What is the trick? Where are the pastries?
The Jew answers, “Look in the Arab’s pocket.”
What Not To Say To The Cop When You Get Pulled Over
• I only had one officer Mr. Keg.
• Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
• Want to race to the station pig?
• On the way to the station let’s get a twelve pack.
• Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
• Hey, wasn’t your daughter a pork queen?
• How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
• Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
• I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
• Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
• Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
• Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?
• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• “Bad Cop! No Donut!”
• You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
• Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on “COPS” last week on TV?
• Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend’s bed.
• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
• So, uh, you “on the take”, or what?
• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?
• Hey is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
• When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.
• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
• Aren’t you one of the Village People?
Buying Paint From A Hardware Store
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?
Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.
Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.
Buying Paint From An Airline
Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What’s the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn’t any difference; it’s all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I’d like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You’ve got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don’t kid around here. Of course, I’ll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn’t mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking!
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven’t actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don’t know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can’t do that. If you buy the paint and then don’t use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Clerk: That’s right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there’s no point in getting upset; that’s just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don’t, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don’t keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I’m going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: That won’t do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for painting with our airline.
Inspirational Poster Ideas
Sayings You’d See On Those Inspirational Posters If They Were Truthful
·If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
·The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
·Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
·If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
·Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
·A person who smiles in the face of adversity … probably has a scapegoat.
·ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE…..
·We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
·2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
·If at first you don’t succeed — try management.
·It’s only unethical if you get caught.
·Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
·Never quit until you have another job.
·Work harder slaves!
·The beatings will continue until morale improves.
·If you can read this, you’re not working!
·Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
·Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
·Pride, commitment, teamwork — words we use to get you to work for free.
·Succeed in spite of management.
·Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
·There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself? _________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
17. If `nothing’ explain why you were logged in.
18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes_
The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
“Ah, you’re lovely, aren’t you?” she says to the first dog. “What’s your name?”
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, “My name’s Huey, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. “And what’s your name then?”
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, “My name’s Lewy, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”
And so she moves on to the last dog. “Let me guess,” she says. “your name’s Dewy, and you’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”
“No,” replies the last dog. “My name’s Puddles, and I’ve had an awful day.”