Pizza Farm With Nick Offerman
Now That I’m Older Here’s What I’ve Discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the top dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
A Modern Day Mark Twain
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!” He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. .”
Male Or Female
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Morals To Live By
One day Adam’s teacher told the class that everyone must find out a moral for the next day’s class. One boy came in and said, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” The second boy said, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” Then Adam came in with a broken jaw and black eyes and said, “I asked my Uncle Johnny for a moral and he told me to shut up. I told him he had to help me because it was homework.” The teacher said, “What is the moral, Johnny?” “DON”T MESS WITH UNCLE JOHNNY WHEN HE’S DRINKING!!!”
Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
2 You find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
3 You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
4 Roseanne looks good.
5 Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
6 You drink to get over a hangover.
7 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
8 You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.
9 The Whisky Ain’t Working Anymore.
10 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
11 You have a reserved parking space at the bar.
12 I’m as jober as a sudge!
13 You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
14 I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
15 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
16 Newt Gingrich…. he’s soooo sexy.
17 You find yourself on a train arriving in Tijuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in New York City!
18 The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
19 You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
20. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
Nepotism, It’s Better Then Working For The Government
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn’t in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she’d phone back later. At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch. The last call came at 3:30 p.m. “I’m sorry,” I said, “she’s left for the day. May I take a message?” “Yes,” the caller replied. “How can I get a job with you?”
Top Ten Unproven Ways, During a Lunch Break, to Reduce Workplace Stress
Get together with colleagues at the company parking lot and draw pastel chalk outlines of unhelpful supervisors and co-workers on the pavement.
Get a real change of scenery and move to another state. From Charleston SC, it is possible during the course of a lunch hour, if you manage your time properly, to emigrate to either Ohio or Kentucky.
Organize an office percussion band. With a little imagination, workstations can be converted into drum kits, using trash cans, yardsticks and computer consoles.
Organize an office Power ball run. Sure, the odds for winning are about as good as your company’s stockholders deciding to restore your Christmas bonus. But daydreaming about what you would do with a winning ticket provides stress-relieving escape time.
Practice deep sleeping. Keep a rolled sleeping bag handy so that you can crawl under your workstation for an hour’s worth of siesta time.
Take secondhand smoke breaks. Why limit your “down time” to a single lunch hour when many of your colleagues take double and triple that amount of off-duty time to puff their cigarettes in doorways and loading docks? Latch on to a nicotine-addicted co-worker and match him or her break-for-break as you catch up on gossip and company politics.
Have a good chat with a radio talk-show host. Vent about how whatever group he supports is tearing this country down, then hang up on him before he has a chance to respond.
Organize Australian rules full-contact swivel chair races down the hallway.
Have a cup of St. John’s Wart tea. This herbal version of Prozac, endorsed by Larry King, may not take you to nirvana, but it could help you make it over the midweek hump.
Update your resume on your computer and hunt for less stressful jobs on the Internet. From a distance, you’ll look busy to supervisors.
Don’t You Love It When Kids Are Honest?
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, ‘Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.’ Bobby looked up and replied, ‘Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.’
New Oxford Dictionary
The New Oxford Dictionary’s latest definition of the following words.
• Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
• Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
• Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
• Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
• Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
• Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
• Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
• Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
• Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
• Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
• Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
• Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
• Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”
• Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
• Father: A banker provided by nature.
• Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
• Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
• Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
• Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Social Tips For Rednecks
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
4. Even if your certain that you’re included in the will, it’s rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
Entertaining In Your Home…
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can’t hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
1. Dim your lights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Dating (outside the family)…
1. Offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 P.M. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.