Best Friends In Rom Coms Are All Alcoholics
Things You Don’t Want To Hear On An Airplane
10. This is your captain speaking and I don’t feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. We’re cruising at an altitude of….ah, hell, I don’t know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep ‘em coming!
5. This is…uh…this is…uh…your…hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane — does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 — you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We’re going to crash! Oops — is this intercom on?
1. We’ll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’
Man: ‘That’s nice’
Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’
Man: ‘No, thanks.’
Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’
Man: ‘OK, how much?’
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‘Dark in here.’
Man: ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’
The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again; you’re in my closet now.’
Funny College Course Evaluations
At the end of college courses, students are often asked to fill out evaluation forms rating the course, the lectures and the facilities. The following statements are from real evaluations forms from MIT.
• “This class was a religious experience for me. I had to take it all on faith.”
• “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.”
• “The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.”
• “His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.”
• “Textbook is confusing. Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.”
• “Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That’s the way I felt all term.”
• “In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it.”
• “Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot.”
• “The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.”
• “Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.”
• “In class the syllabus is more important than you are.”
• “I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.”
• “Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!”
• “Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.”
• “Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing. It’s a great stress reliever.”
• “He is one of the best teachers I have had. He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don’t hurt his chances of getting tenure.”
• “I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They’ve got a cool nest in the tree.”
• “He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.”
• “This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
• “Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in.”
• “Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted.”
• “The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon.”
• “TA steadily improved throughout the course. I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up.”
• “I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text.”
• “What’s the quality of the text? Text is printed on high quality paper.”
• “Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose. Spraying in all directions, no way to stop it.”
The Tea Party
When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, “Just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?”
The Van Gogh Family
After considerable research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:-
His dizzy aunt…………………………………..Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes………………………..Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle……………………………..Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store………..Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia……………………….U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois………………………….Chica Gogh
His magician uncle………………………….Wherediddit Gogh
His Mexican cousin………………………………..Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half brother…………..Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt…………………………..Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco…………………………….Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach………………Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle…………………………….Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst…………………………….E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin…………………………….Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking……………….Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew……………………………Poe Gogh
The hairdresser…………………………………Washan Gogh
The marathon runner…………………………Readysteady Gogh
The Perfect Dress
Sandra’s wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and she wasn’t going to allow anything to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce.
Her mother, Theresa, finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
Several days later, Sandra was horrified to discover that her stepmother, Caroline, had purchased the same dress. She asked Caroline to exchange the dress, but Caroline refused. “Absolutely not! Caroline exclaimed. “I’m going to wear this dress and I’m going to look like a million in it!”
Sandra told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear, I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s YOUR special day, not hers.”
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Sandra asked her mother, “Mom, what are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.”
With a sheepish grin, Theresa replied, “Of course, I do, dear! I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!”
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
And the number one thing only women understand:
1. Other women!
The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.” The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand. “Yes, Lily?”
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lily,” said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your homework.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed.”
Things We’ve Learned From “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
This show isn’t just a staple of American television; it’s also a guidebook for sensible living. Here’s what we’ve learned from “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”
• Stay away from kids trying to hit a piñata.
• If you’re wearing a wedding dress, never try to ride a horse.
• An acronym doesn’t always have to contain a letter for each word in the thing for which it is an acronym.
• Grandpa’s pants are, in all likelihood, ill-fitting.
• Homemade bike ramps should only be used by, well, nobody.
• Babies sometimes fall asleep while sitting up.
• Many beams are lower than you’d think.
• If you touch a dog in a certain place, they bare their teeth and growl in an amusing way.
• People are sometimes startled when they’re woken up from a nap by loud noises.
• If you shoot enough video, somebody, somewhere is eventually going to make a basket from half-court.
• The tree you cut down is going to fall in a direction you didn’t expect.
• Before using a barbell, make sure the weights are secured on both sides.
• Kids getting hit in the face, not funny. Kids getting hit in the face on video, funny.
• Noses and parrots are natural enemies. Same goes for lizards.
• Children aren’t always respectful when it comes to not pulling off a relative’s toupee at a family gathering.
• Most swings have weight limits that are less than you’d suspect.
• Cats can be clumsy, especially when they’re around TVs.
• Many people think you’ll call your significant other the wrong name during the heat of passion, but we all know it will probably happen during your wedding ceremony.
• Baseballs like testicles.
• When it comes to backyard trampolines, “What goes up, must end up with a contusion.”
• Llamas spitting is not an urban myth.
• The walls of many aboveground swimming pools appear to be made of a material similar to rice paper.
• The false teeth of many elderly people aren’t affixed properly.
• Birthday cakes and wobbly tables don’t mix. It should also be noted that birthday cakes have the inexplicable ability to attract the human face like a magnet.
• Pets don’t really talk, but sometimes it sounds like it.
• Nothing good can come from pogo sticks.
• Lifting someone over your head while dancing intoxicated could lead to an unfortunate, albeit humorous, accident.
• Many Christmas trees stands aren’t made to withstand the weight of the tree and a person.
• Everything, yes everything, is funnier when accompanied by a wacky sound effect.
• Any host of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” is likely to be the most bland, unfunny individual ever to appear on television.
Student Tech Help
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
“Your hard drive crashed,” he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, “My computer is down. The hard drive crashed.”
“We can’t just send people down on your say so. How do you know that’s the problem?”
“A student told me,” I answered.
“We’ll send someone over right away.”