Hugh Jackman’s Teacher Interview
Rodney Dangerfield’s Guide to Auto Repair
It’s Cheaper Then Therapy
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana’
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling ‘Run for Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Women’s Night Out
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh sh*t.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!
More F My Life
These are from web site called fmylife.com and I only hope their made up.
Today, I was having se x with my boyfriend. When he was about to org asm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML
Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a “keeper”, at which she laughed and said we were “just friends”. I was going to propose to her next week. FML
Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold. FML
Today, I looked on my sister’s phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: “Let’s go camping again, I bought more cond oms so we won’t make a big mess this time.” Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML
Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I’m 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chap stick for my birthday. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years sent me a text messages saying, “Don’t worry I’m gonna break up with her soon. Love you.” FML
Today, my mom decided to tell me about her new boyfriend. I know him. I’ve slept with him. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-husband claimed our kids on his taxes when he wasn’t supposed to. Now it will take me longer to file mine and get my return. But oh my, he’ll have fun paying back the IRS! FML
Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement money in Toys R Us. FML
Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out… but moved her things into my roommate’s bedroom. FML
Today, someone stole both rear view mirrors from my scooter. And where was the police? They were 500m down the road, waiting to stop me for not having any mirrors. FML
Today, I was doing a strip tease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
‘Mrs. Neely’ ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’
I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.
‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’
‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.
‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
‘I outlived the A-holes.’
Funny Age Quotes
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
~ Bob Hope ~
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…
~ Sir Norman Wisdom ~
By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
~ George Burns ~
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
~ Helen Hayes ~
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.
~ George Burns ~
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
~ Robert Orben ~
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”
The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man — can only think of one thing.”
The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man — going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?” The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
Equal But Not The Same
“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the DVD player after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Ultimate Dictionary Reference
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway ‘See I am not injured yet.’
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
Big Bird Killed In “Angel Dust” Rampage
Associated Press, NEW YORK,
Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, had apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead, including Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert — long time friend, roommate and occasional lover of Ernie.
The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper’s Store. New York City Police and SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
Big Bird, the Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit The Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.
The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird’s feed. Big Bird was killed by police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, had survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper-clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper’s.
Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent over the loss of his good buddy Bert.
Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o’clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird’s deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrofoam letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored — but tensions are very high.
1:47am, the following day.
Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper’s Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Card board backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.
Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. In the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet — still animated with life — can be seen staring at the wreckage, or weeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, “Ten, ten lifeless muppet bodies!” No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug burns.
3:45pm, the next day
Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
“I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world’s leaders. As President Obama campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, ‘Anyone who can hang as many paper-clips together as Barak Obama, can certainly run the country.’
“I also come here to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn’t have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to just ‘get along’ with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but it wasn’t his fault. It was just some bad seed.”