Toddlers and Tiaras: Where Are They Now?
Whose Line Is It Anyway
Cards You Won’t Find At Hallmark
“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. ……. Like the need for therapy”
“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”
“Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”
“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I never believed in Hell until I met you.”
“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”
“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never knew what evil was before this!”
“Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”
“Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”
“You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”
“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”
“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend……. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
“We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?”
“I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost like you’re here.”
“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…………… Did you ever find out who the father was?”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday……………So we’re having you put to sleep.”
17 Fatal Things To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant
17. “I finished the Oreos.”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5. “Got milk?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:
1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? –Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. –Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like the English do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. –Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. –Age 10
Home is where the house is. –Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. –Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks. –Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. –Age 6
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. –Age 15
I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. –Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor. –Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. –Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. –Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. –Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! –Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?” –Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right? –Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. –Age 15
McDonell Douglass Customer Feedback
MCDONELL DOUGLASS AIRCRAFT, SPACE SYSTEMS, & MISSILES
Please fill out and mail this card within three days of purchase.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
_Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name ______________ Initial__________________ Last Name________________
Which model aircraft did you purchase?
__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon __F-119A Stealth __Classified
Date of purchase:
Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Hijacked it using one of our spies
Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one
Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Recommended by salesperson
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_Misc. Third-World Countries
Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
Imperial Star Destroyer
How would you describe yourself or your organization?
Check all that apply:
_Corrupt (Latin American)
How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Swiss bank account transactions
_Counterfeit $100 bills
Occupation You Your Spouse
To help us understand our Customers’ lifestyles, please indicate all the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating in on a regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Spouse
Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp between two missing teeth, “Excuth me, mithter, do you keep
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on
her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python
weally gives a thit.”
Why Men Can Not Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s manipulation.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re self-centered.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
New Viruses On The Loose!
Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
You’re in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Just does it.
Congressional virus #2:
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
…you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
…the centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.
…you owe a taxidermist more than your annual income.
…You’ve ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
…your cousins put out a rap record and it goes aluminum
Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve?
Because, The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.
What are the last words that a redneck usually says before he dies?
“Hey ya’ll. Watch this!”
10 Worst Company Web Site Names
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a web site. It is advisable to look at the web site name you selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their web site names enough consideration:
1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘, where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their web site name…wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Advantages Of Being A Woman
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).
11. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
12. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
13. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
14. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it
15. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We don’t have to memorize the movies “Caddyshack” or “Star Wars” to fit in.
17. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
19. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.
20. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
21. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
22. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
23. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
24. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.