Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people’s fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
- You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
- You don’t sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Age Is Just A Number
An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”
“Who said my dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
…I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
…I had amnesia once — or twice.
…I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
…All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
…If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
…What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
…They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.
…Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
…Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
…One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
…My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
…I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
…The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
…How can there be self-help “groups”?
…If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
…Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
…Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Old Fire Truck
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next day at an awards ceremony for the 6 heroic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
“What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?”, asked the Governor.
“Well,” replied the old fire chief, “the first thing we’re gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!”
Yes There Corny
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”
I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”
She said, “Yeah, I got a pen”.
I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”
Cost me 6 stitches…but, when you’re over seventy……………who cares
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but, when you’re over seventy……………who cares
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
“Really” she said, “Go on then… Try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
“Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but, when you’re over seventy……………who cares
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but, when you’re over seventy……………who cares
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, “Good legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”
Cost me 6 more stitches, but, when you’re over seventy……………who cares
• So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
• Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
• I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
• I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
• I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
• Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
• Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
• I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
• If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
Well, It’s Better Then Saying Get Off My Land
An old farmer had owned a farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice – picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to look over the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator!”
Gems Of Wisdom
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the Poor could make a wonderful living.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
Ask about the neighbors, then buy the house.
What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.
One old friend is better than two new ones.
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex… It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage —to move in the opposite direction. - Albert Einstein
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving - Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. - Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. - Albert Einstein
I don’t want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying. - Woody Allen
I’m not afraid of dying – I just don’t want to be there when it happens! - Woody Allen
Imagination is more important than knowledge. - (Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton)
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. - Albert Einstein
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. - Albert Einstein
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. - Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
Curious, the little girl looked at her mother and asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Now That I’m ‘Older’ (But Refuse To Grow Up), Here’s What I’ve Discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
10. Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
15. It’s hard to make a come back when you haven’t been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
17. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
19. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
20. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
21. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
22. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
I don’t remember if I sent this one out.
I don’t think I did . . . or did you send it to me?
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded . . .
Hey. People Bought Pet Rocks, So I Wouldn’t Be Surprised