How Dirty Is Your Mind?
15 Signs That You’re At A Mediocre Wet T-Shirt Contest
• The majority of contestants have wet t-shirts because their water just broke.
• In order to be green-minded and ecology-conscious by not using water, you’re supposed to just “use your imagination.”
• The t-shirts are wet, but the skin of the ladies is dry. Like really psoriasis-level, extremely flaky skin dry.
• Global warming doesn’t allow the t-shirts to stay wet for more than a few moments at a time.
• They’re judging just the wet t-shirts themselves, without being worn by attractive, busty ladies.
• You misread the advertising, and it’s actually a Wendt T-Shirt Contest, featuring George Wendt in a series of moist, ill-fitting tees.
• Much of the moisture in the contest is provided by the hysterical crying of the young ladies’ mothers, sobbing violently and trying to pull their daughters off of the stage.
• No one from The American Journal of Professional Wet T-Shirt Competitive Events is there to cover the contest.
• Your wife takes a look at the assembled contestants, and tells you that it’s okay for you to stay and watch.
• The cover charge to view the contest is going to charity, which forces you to think of boobs and sick kids at the same time.
• Being on the front row, you get splashed with a good deal of residual water, and end up winning the contest yourself.
• The Russians tamper with the results, and so the least qualified of the young ladies wins.
• You end up watching the silent broadcast of some pawn shop reality show playing on the TV above the contestants.
• As it turns out, it’s not a wet t-shirt contest, just an unfortunate young woman who got caught in the rain.
• The antics onstage aren’t quite hot enough, and the drinks specials not quite good enough, to keep you from feeling like a gross creepy guy.
The following is a description of a New Zealand wine taken straight from the bottle word for word. (Anyone who has tried it will know that it is a mild description).
PURPLE DEATH (that is really the name)
An unusual ‘Rough-as-Guts’ aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of horse-shit and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savior the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished jock straps strained through an old miner’s sock. The maturing in small pigs’ bladders gives it a very definite nose.
Marketed under the Savior Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim ‘Je-e-esus Chri-ist’).
Caution: Keep away from ‘naked flames’ (both old and new).
BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST – JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand
What kids Learned About Life
• When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair
• If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person
• You can’t trust dogs to watch your food
• Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
• Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts, no matter how cute the underwear is.
Tell me this won’t happen to me!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to. She was hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.”, He says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know.
I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses.
“Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.”
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
“I can hear just fine!”
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in,
“So am I, let’s have a beer.”
What A Choice
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
“I’ll take the soup.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
“Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
“Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said,
“Crap, am I driving?”
Top Ten Ways To Tell If Martha Stewart Is Stalking Your Dog:
10. There’s potpourri hanging from your pooch’s collar.
9. The dog’s nails have been trimmed with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.
6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of the doghouse.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing an apricot colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS…
1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
College Seniors vs. College Freshmen
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor “Professor.”
Seniors: Calls the professor “Bob.”
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it’s further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe…
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has ‘own’ personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer
Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
TV In The US
I never got into Soap Operas on television. I guess probably because it’s a macho thing I tend to watch more sports.
But a friend of mine recently told me I really should consider at least watching some of the Soaps instead of sports. She claims there’s a LOT more scoring.
I love satellite TV. Now I get a chance to see all of those movies I wouldn’t have paid ten cents to go see years ago.
TV is strange though. Why is it the good guys almost always win on all of the shows with the exception of the eleven o’clock news?
Then there was the TV producer who was doing just fine with the summer replacement, until his wife found out about her.
Thankfully there are still some chances for people to learn by watching TV. The other evening, I was watching a special about our little corner of the galaxy.
Did y’all know that, according to that show, all of the other galaxies are pulling away from ours at the rate of ten thousand miles a second?
Kinda makes we wonder if they all know something we don’t.
Back in the 40′s there were a lot of people who actually thought that television was impossible.
For that matter… a lot of people still do!
Those satellite TV services are something else though, with their hundreds of channels. My son has one with almost 700 selections, complete with an on-screen menu.
Hell, by the time I figure out what it is I want to watch, the damn show’s over.
And the movies on TV… my one Grandson is only six-years-old, and already he’s seen 1,712 more movies than I have.
TV is very addictive though. When any of the Grandkids get punished from watching TV, I catch them staring at the microwave oven.
And speaking of punishment, when they’ve really misbehaved, they’re sent to their rooms and have to make do with their small 36″ TV sets, instead of the giant life-sized wall screen TV in the family room.
It seems to me that things will only improve on TV in the US when the television executives learn that the only thing worse than no taste is having no shame.
A lot of today’s TV shows are called “Reality Shows” where they graphically show murders, assaults, drunks, drugs and other assorted mayhem and violence.
The poorer people w/o TV’s in the big cities are forced to get this form of “entertainment” by sitting around and looking out their windows.
These days, when parents come home from work and find their kids doing homework, the first thing they can be sure of is that there’s “nothing good” on TV.
About the only good thing I see in TV these days is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
Things You’d Love To Say Out Loud At Work
1. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
2. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
3. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
4. Do I look like a people person?
5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
10. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
11. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
13. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
14. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
15. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
16. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
17. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
18. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
19. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
20. Oh I get it… like humor… but different
I’m A Senior Citizen
• I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.
• I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
• I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
• I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…
• I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
• I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
• I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
• I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
• I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
• I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…
• I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
• I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
• I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
• I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…
• I’m now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
• I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
• I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
• I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
• I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
• I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
• I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
• I’m supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
• I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.
• I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life… Aren’t I?