Elmo’s World – Behind the Scenes
Why You Shouldn’t Take Your Husband Shopping
After I retired 7 years ago, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring so I had to amuse myself in some way while my wife did what most women like to do – browse at a leisurely pace.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Conner,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Conner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in house wares. Get on it right away. ‘
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7 August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used I t as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least.
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!’
Great Customer Service
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘ Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member : ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank : ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.’ (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’
Citibank: ‘That might help.’
Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
Prayers For Singles
Single Woman’s Prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man,
One without a wedding band.
One good man who’s sweet as pie,
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell,
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.,
On second thought, that’s okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
That would truly take the cake.
No matrimony or honeymoon,
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet,
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right,
I won’t go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad,
I know it’s just a passing fad.
I won’t be blue, nor will I frown,
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair,
So never mind this stupid prayer.
The single life will do just fine,
So what’s up, girlfriend? IT’S PARTY TIME!!
Single Man’s Prayer:
Lord, please let me find a big hooter’d deaf-mute nymp homaniac who owns a liquor store. Amen.
YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF….
The US troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor by creating this.
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
THE SPOILED UNDER-40 CROWD!!!
If you are 40 (or older) you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning, Uphill… barefoot… BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have “The Internet”. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!
There were no iPod’s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talked over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone!
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were sc rewed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bas tards!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove … Imagine that!
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in the 60′s and 70′s!
The over 40 Crowd
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
‘Dr. Jones, at your cervix.’
In a Podiatrist’s office:
‘Time wounds all heels.’
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist’s door:
‘To expedite your visit, please back in.’
On a Plumber’s truck:
‘We repair what your husband fixed.’
On another Plumber’s truck:
‘Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
‘Invite us to your next blowout.’
At a Towing company:
‘We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.’
On an Electrician’s truck:
‘Let us remove your shorts.’
In a Nonsmoking Area:
‘If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.’
On a Maternity Room door:
‘Push. Push. Push.’
At an Optometrist’s Office:
‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’
On a Taxidermist’s window:
‘We really know our stuff.’
On a Fence:
‘Sales men welcome! Dog food is expensive!’
At a Car Dealership:
‘The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.’
Outside a Muffler Shop:
‘No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.’
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
‘Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!’
At the Electric Company
‘We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.’
In a Restaurant window:
‘Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.’
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’
At a Propane Filling Station:
‘Thank heaven for little grills.’
And don’t forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
‘Best place in town to take a leak.’
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
‘Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises
Murphy’s Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A Birthday Poem To Make Any Birthday Special
A fart can be quiet, a fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful, poisonous cloud…
A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known to sound just like a song…
A fart can create a most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless, or silent, but deadly…
A fart might not smell, while others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly, or linger awhile…
A fart can occur in a number of places,
And leave everyone with strange looks on their faces…
From wide-open prairie, to small elevators,
A fart will find all of us sooner or later…
But not all farts are bad, this is simply not true -
We mustn’t forget… Dear sweet old farts like YOU!
Quotes By Famous People
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
~ W.C. Fields ~
I can resist everything except temptation.
~ Oscar Wilde ~
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
~ Mark Twain ~
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
~ Oscar Wilde ~
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
~ Margaret Mead ~
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
~ Oscar Wilde ~
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~
Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you’ll be right.
~ Funny Short Saying ~
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
~ Funny Short Saying ~
Top 20 Phone Tech Support No-no’s
20. Try to sell homemade LSD to caller.
19. “Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?
18. Proclaim your undying love.
17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.
16. “So, what are you wearing?”
15. Constantly refer to caller as “Pumpkin.”
14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.
13. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
12. “What you do is get yourself 25 cents and go and buy a clue.”
11. Use baby talk.
10. “I don’t get paid enough to deal with jerks like you.”
9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller’s system.
8. “Yo no hablo ingles.”
7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.
6. Laugh maniacally.
5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.
4. “You’re scre wed. You’re just scre wed!!!”
3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.
2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.
1. “How the hell did you get access to a computer?”