Robin Williams – July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014
The Best Robin Williams Moments
You Know You’re Having A Bad Day When…
• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.
• You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver’s license picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night…… and there aren’t any.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Did Ya Ever Wonder
If quizzes are quizzical…
Then what are tests?
If you’re in hell, and are mad at someone…
Where do you tell them to go?
What do you say when someone says you’re in denial…
But you’re not?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything…
Wouldn’t you see through everything and actually see nothing?
How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall…
But its illegal to keep them as a pet?
Everyone says “OK” to indicate agreement…
But what does OK actually mean?
Policemen deal with unique problems daily…
For Example: How do they handcuff a one-armed man?
If you firmly decide that you’re indecisive…
Which one are you?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental…
Aren’t you being judgmental yourself?
How come no matter what color the liquid is…
The froth is always white?
Can a guy whose real name is Nick…
Have a “Nick Name”?
If Dracula has no reflection…
How comes he always had such a straight part in his hair?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares…
Why did anyone bother to write a song about him?
In France when you ask for toast…
Do you get French Toast?
Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons…
But lemon juice has artificial flavoring?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and decide…
“I’ll squeeze these dangly things & drink what comes out”
When people in China give a formal dinner…
Exactly what do they call the “Good plates” they use?
If you try to fail and succeed…
What did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs
Are zebras black with white stripes…
Or white with black stripes?
What came first, the fruit…
Or the color orange?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best…
By not torturing themselves?
And if the above statement is true…
Doesn’t that make us all masochists?
OK, so Humpty Dumpty when splat off a wall…
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say he’s an egg?
Sayings That Should Be On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time so you don’t have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
My son has a new nickname for me — “Baldy.”
Son, I’ve got a new word for you — “Heredity!”
He’s at that age where he’s got to be so cool.
“Dad, can you drop me a block away so I won’t be embarrassed?”
“You want to be really cool, walk the five miles!”
Being cool means knowing the names of the latest bands. There is a band, no I’m not making this up, named “Garbage.”
“Son, what is that garbage you’re listening to?”
“Hey dad, I didn’t know you were that cool!”
“What is that crap?”
“No dad, Crap opened for Garbage.”
“Son, this is madness!”
“Dad, Madness broke up over a year ago! You’re really not so cool.”
My son’s got rollerblades, a skateboard and now he wants a BMX bike.
“Son, if you want to die let me kill you. I save money and we both get something out of it!”
When I talk to my son about drugs I’m worried I’ll sound like my father.
“Son, you can’t do drugs because… because… because they don’t make drugs like they used to.”
Just say no to drugs son, you don’t need the drugs now, you need them when you’re my age, so give ‘em to me.
Can you tell I grew up in the sixties? No Dan, you burnt out freak, we’d never know. We were the generation that was going to change the world. Change the world? We can’t even change the clock on our VCRs.
You know you’re getting older when… you look in the mirror, see your father and you think, “You know, the old man didn’t look so bad!”
You know you’re getting older when… you’re listening to country music and relating to it.
You know you’re getting older when… you’re having sex with someone half your age and it’s legal.
You know you’re getting older when… you’re having long and serious discussions about fiber and the word regular takes on a whole new meaning.
You know you’re getting older when… you realize the term joint custody is not about who’s holding the drugs.
You know you’re getting older when you’re not listening to classical music because you like the music, but because you know it’ll be twenty minutes before there’s another commercial and it won’t be for light beer.
I try to listen to classical music but I feel so stupid so when I do. Why do they tell you more than you need to know? “That was Ludwig… Von… Beethoven’s Sonata #7 in C minor… you insignificant little twit!”
Why do they tell you what key it’s in? Did Beethoven write more than one Sonata #7? Was there one in C minor, one in D minor, one in E minor? I’m just listening to it, I don’t care! You figure it out, Maestro!
“So, how was the concert last night?”
“Really sucked man, they played the Sonata #7 in F minor.”
“No wonder man, they were supposed to play in C minor!”
How would it be if modern music was announced in that style? “That was Edward… Van… Halen… performing on lead stratocaster guitar playing JUMP… in A major… you ignorant little speedmetal freak!”
Pete Townsend, to me one of the most macho of rock guitarists, announces in an interview that he thinks he’s a woman trapped in a man’s body. You know Pete, you should’ve died before you got old. Because now when I hear, “Tommy, Can You Feel Me?” I shudder.
They really don’t make rock stars like they used to. Prince has changed his name to a symbol. How do you pronounce it? He’s the only rock star who’s got his own font! “The artist formerly known as Prince, now known as a pompous ass too highly evolved to use a name we can pronounce!”
Letter Of Recommendation
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:
Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for….
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be Damned if you’re going to take that day off!!!
• So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
• Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
• Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
• I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
• If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
• I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
• My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
• I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
• If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards.
• Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always
look like this: Some days it’s even worse.
• A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
• Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
• Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
• My next house will have no kitchen … just vending machines.
• I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Los Alamos Secured
The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, had a series of infamous screw-ups in where top secret information has been misplaced or stolen.
Top attempts to tighten security at the Los Alamos lab include…
18. Ask Napster to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download share list.
17. All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
16. All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable “Ig-pay Atin-lay” format.
15. Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
14. “Accidental” radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
13. Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
12. Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the “15th foreign national who calls right now!”
11. Janitors Boris and Mao swear that “Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!”
10. Immediately suspend “you break it, you bought it” policy on hard drives.
9. Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
8. All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
7. a) “Accidentally” leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler. b) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.
6. Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.
5. Visitors answering the guard’s challenge with “Foe” now required to sign guest book before entry.
4. Security guards limited to one “WHAAZZZUUP!” walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
3. Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
2. “Shave and a Haircut” knock replaced with more secure “My Sharona” knock.
1. From now on, all security guards must pass the new “Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground” test.
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.
9. It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.
7. It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.
6. The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”
3. The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Navajo Message To The Moon
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His son translated for the NASA people: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
“Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land.”