The SIMPSONS @ 3 A.M.
Olympic Greek History
2,500 years ago a slave call-girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee pronounced (get-offa’-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece .
This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
“Oh! Limp pricks!”
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into “Olympics”.
Just thought I’d share this new found knowledge with you.
Technology For Country Folk…
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
A Typical Canadian Baby?
A Canadian is drinking his favorite Canadian beer in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, “That’s about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy’s a typical Canadian baby boy.”
Congratulations shower him from all around & many exclamations of “WOW!” are heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been makin’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. We were gonna call you… so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled & concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, “Had him circumcised”.
Where To Retire!
As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate? The big question is, where? Here are some tips:
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. “Dress Code” is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
You can live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can live in New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is “nature,”
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You’ve worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can live in Maine where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can live in the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie (Yes still) and buy bait in the same store.
2.”y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, “You ain’t from ’round here, are Ya?”
4. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
AND, You can live in Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
Men Can’t Win
Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue…….
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says ‘I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?’
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. ‘What was that for?’ he asked.
She said… I looked up “beautiful climbing rose” on Google last night and it said “Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.”
When I Was In School I Was Told:
PUSSY was a CAT
SEX meant GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
DICK was a NAME…
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a TOOL
HEAD meant a PART OF BODY
BALLS meant a ROUND TOY
NUTS meant DRY FRUIT
69 was just a NUMBER
& Then I grew up and went on the internet and my education was ruined.
Who’s In Charge
All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge:
“I should be in charge” said the brain. “I run all the body’s systems, without me nothing would happen”.
“I should be in charge” said the heart. “I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over”.
“No! I should be in charge” said the stomach. “I process the food that gives us energy”.
“I should be in charge” said the legs. “Without me the body couldn’t go anywhere”.
“I should be in charge” said the eyes “I allow the body to see where it goes”.
“I should be in charge” said the anus. “I am responsible for waste removal”.
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
The moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the asshole is usually in charge.
The Man Dictionary
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY
Translated: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
For those of you never in the military, it seems all branches try to reduce any/all situations to writing. According to the US Navy, “Classified material shall be considered lost when it cannot be located.”
A group of US Navy officers, assigned as an advisory group in Taiwan, were searching for a name for their new officer’s club.
They finally settled on “TAI-WAN-ON”.
On patrol, the Officer of the Deck asked the starboard lookout what he would do if a man fell overboard.
“I would shout ‘Man overboard’.” the sailor replied.
The OD then asked what he would do if an officer fell overboard.
The sailor paused and thought, then said, “Which one Sir?”
A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser. All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker-light message to the Aussies: “You are beautiful.”
Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: “I’ll bet you say that to all the ships.”
The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, “Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn’t MY ship, this is YOUR ship.”
From deep in the ranks came a voice: “Great! Hey guys! Let’s sell the damn thing.”
Feeling the helplessness that comes with seasickness, the sailor on his first cruise told the Chief, “I always suspected that I was a landlubber, but until now, I didn’t know just how much I lubbed it!”
Having A Bad Day?
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
So You Think Your Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
STILL think you’re having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
The terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “Return to Sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There! Now you feeling Better?