I Don’t Understand Job by Garfunkel & Oates
Fun Things To Do At Your Local Pool
• Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
• Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
• Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
• Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
• Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.
• Hit strangers with your flutter board.
• Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
• Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….”
• Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.
• Swim near a stranger and go ”Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have had watermelon before I came here.”
• Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
• Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!”
• Scream just as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
• Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
• Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
• Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
• Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
• Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
• When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
• Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
• Hit strangers with your wet towel.
• Throw people’s things into the pool.
• Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
• Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
• Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
Try . . . . . . . .
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
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Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur/bulletproof/invisibility, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Prison Or Work?
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.
Best First World Problems Ever
1. My iPhone fell out of my pocket and cracked my iPad.
2. My dentist’s ceiling TV is set to the wrong aspect ratio.
3. I had to sneeze during a complicated lane change at rush hour, and I was nervous that there would be an accident. Thankfully, my chauffeur is excellent and we’re safe, even though he was startled. But he forgot to say “bless you”.
4. I can’t use my toilet right now, because it’s cleaning itself.
5. I forgot to bring my phone with me when I went to poop and I was bored the entire time.
6. I had so much leg room on this flight I couldn’t reach the pocket on the chair in front of me.
7. No one was in the elevator with me so I had no one to impress when I pressed the button to my suite.
8. My pillow is about to expire.
9. I took a fake shit at work ten minutes ago to play on my smartphone but now I actually have to shit. Now everyone is going to think I have diarrhea.
10. My DVR was too full to record Hoarders.
11. I threw a champagne party to get rid of excess champagne, but guests brought champagne with them and now I have more than I started off with…
12. I forgot to charge my electric toothbrush so I had to sweep the bristles across my teeth manually like some type of pauper
13. My groceries heat up too much in the trunk of my mid-engines sports car.
14. I only got 1 dipping sauce with my 20 nuggets and had to ration it like it was WWII.
15. My favorite oatmeal bar in NYC won’t stir my oatmeal for me anymore.
16. I don’t know which key is to which BMW.
17. I cut my finger and now my fingerprint scanner doesn’t recognize me, so I actually have to type in the password for my computer.
18. I had to wake up at 4am, to go on vacation.
19. Not being able to fit your divorce settlement on a single line of a cheque.
20. The HDTV in my fridge has a dead pixel.
21. I browsed the Internet so much while I was supposed to be working that I have nothing interesting to look at now I’m on break.
22. Both my divorced parents have sail boats at different yacht clubs and they both want to take me sailing today.
23. I parked my Lexus in cement and everyone is taking pictures instead of helping me.
24. My take-out is heavy enough to make my car beep at it for not wearing a seat belt.
25. A while ago, I spilled healthy, organic chia seeds from my drink. Now they’ve sprouted from my Dyson.
Zero To 200
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the “Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation,” Dallas, Texas.
Top Tips For Men
01 “I’m not hung up on the term ‘spacewoman’ because I know it refers to both women & men.”
02 MEN! If you speak up in a meeting & want to be taken seriously, dress smart but not too smart, stay calm & avoid appearing too ambitious.
03 “I genuinely don’t have a problem with male politicians, as long as they are able to represent everyone, and not just men and men’s issues.”
04 MEN! Accentuate parts of your body you like e.g. good legs, to draw attention away from problem areas e.g. the things you do and say.
05 “Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely fine with dads who work. It boosts their self esteem and gives them an identity beyond just ‘dad’.”
06 “I have absolutely nothing against fathers in the workforce, as long as they can concentrate on the job.”
07 To all men with an opinion. Don’t be AFRAID to speak up! It’s OKAY to be a man and have an opinion. Some women actually find it attractive
08 “People often say to me, ‘You’ve got your wife well trained’ because she helps me with the housework. It’s true. I’m so lucky.”
09 Working husband & father? Feeling overwhelmed? YOUR FAULT. Drink more water, get up earlier & dress in your ‘wow’ colours.
10 “I have absolutely no problem with male software engineers, as long as they have the necessary technical skills.”
11 Kids in bed? Wife back on the playstation? Time to light a scented candle, snack on ONE almond & drink a full glass of water. ‘Me time’.
12 “My wife actually respects men. She thinks they can be just as capable as women. She’s great. I’m SO lucky.”
13 “My wife is actually really good. She irons her own tops & makes her own sandwiches,”
14 RISE & SHINE BUSY DADS! Saturday is your day. Ask your wife to babysit for a couple of hours so you can do the laundry. ‘Me time’.
15 “I have absolutely no problem with male managers, as long as they leave their hormones at home.”
16 My wife is very much a ‘hands-on mum’. I’m so lucky. She’s really good with them. She even changed their nappies when they were little.
17 Wife back on the playstation? Kids asleep? Celebrate your flaws in a candlelit bath with a turnip yoghurt and a whole almond. Enjoy.
Old Maybe…But Not Senile
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check.
I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘Sir…There’s no money in that account.
”I know,’ said the old man…’But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile…
Things I have Learned In Life
I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more messed up than you think.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.
I’ve learned that money is a great substitute for character.
I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do so.
I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a guy is, he’ll eventually revert.
I’ve learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.
I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
Things Not To Say To The Officer
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?
4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with the traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around – that’s how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Health Question & Answer Session
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening…. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. I n fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up – totally worn out and screaming, “WOOO HOOO – WHAT A RIDE!”