G.I. Joe: Drone Operator
G.I. Joe’s ready for a new age of warfare.
The Top Ten Times In History When It Was OK To Use The ‘F’ Word
1. “What the fuck was that?” -Mayor of Hiroshima
2. “Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” -Custer
3. “Any fucking idiot could understand that.” -Einstein
4. “It does SO fucking look like her!” -Picasso
5. “How the fuck did you work that out?” -Pythagoras
6. “You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” -Michaelangelo
7. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna fucking rain.” -Joan of Arc
8. “Scattered fucking showers…my ass!” -Noah
9. “I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!” -JFK
10. “Aw, c’mon Monica, who the fuck is going to find out?” -Bill Clinton
Best Out Of Office Automatic E-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.
Drunk Driver Test
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer, I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”
“OK, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”
“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”
“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”
“Can’t do that either, officer. I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die.”
“Fine then, just walk this white line.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”
Fun At The Drive-Through
• Specify that this order is “To Go”.
• At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast.
• When ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.
• Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order.
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom – Don’t Order anything.
• Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets – That’s all.
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it.
• When they come on the intercom, say “Sorry, I’m not here at the moment, please leave a message”.
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
• Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
• Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please.”
• In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
• Drive through with a car load of naked people.
• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
• All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.
Star Wars Sex
More than a few sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy…
‘Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?’
‘You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.’
‘Sorry about the mess…’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!’
‘She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.’
‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’
‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’
‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’
‘But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…’
‘That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.’
‘Hurry up, golden-rod…’
‘I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?’
‘Possible he came in through the south entrance.’
‘And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!’
‘Control, control! You must learn control!’
‘Hey, point that thing someplace else.’
‘I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.’
‘I never knew I had it in me.’
‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’
‘Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.’
‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’
‘She’s gonna blow!’
‘I think you’ll fit in nicely.’
‘Rise, my friend.’
‘Wedge! Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!’
To Exercise Or Not To Exercise
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don’t know where the hell she is.
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
6. I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. I don’t jog – it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
1. If you have any problems, just call us.
2. What you see on the screen, you get on paper.
3. Someone must have erased my program.
4. They don’t make those chips anymore.
5. If kids use them, so can adults.
6. Oh yeah, it’s compatible with everything.
7. You won’t need any special training
8. There’s no harm in trying – nothing can go wrong.
9. The manual explains everything.
More Ways To Get Rid Of Your Blind Date
2. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
3. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
4. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”
5. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
6. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
7. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
8. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
9. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
10. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
11. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
12. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
13. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
14. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.
15. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
16. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
17. Auction your date off for silverware.
18. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Workplace Jargon (a.k.a. MBA BS)
If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…
If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…
If you don’t know whether it’s worth doing, call it an ‘option’…
If you don’t know how it could possibly be done, call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…
If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…
If you want to direct attention away from past mistakes, refer often of ‘going forward’…
If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…
If you can’t make decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…
If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…
Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…
Never call something a failure or mistake, it’s a ‘positive learning experience’…
Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…
You Know It’s Time To Diet When….
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.