Stoners’ New Anthem
Letters From Camp
Kids at camp write home not thinking of the impact of their words:
Dear Mom and Dad,
My counselor said he doesn’t think the flood waters will come up this high.
When you get a chance, please tell Bobby’s Mother that he is OK. He cannot write because of the full body cast.
Another child away from home wrote that they had been taking some rather long hikes. He requested his other sneaker be sent to him.
Dear Mom and Dad,
They told us to tell you not to believe everything you read in the papers about our Camp. They said they just write stuff like that to sell papers.
A rather short note not saying much was received by two parents:
Dear Mom & Dad,
They’re making us write home.
A fishing novice reported that he had caught a catfish over a foot long and hid it in his bunk, but it was beginning to smell.
The Doctor said the rash should go away by the time camp is over.
I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never did find the two missing counselors though.
Having a wonder time. We swim, camp, hike and play games. After lights out we cry ourselves to sleep every night.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Everything’s fine except a lot of the girls here have dire rear.
The police here are very friendly. There were 15 of us in the back of a pick-up truck and the police stopped Counselor Rob just to talk to him.
This place is neat. I’ve seen some of the biggest snakes ever! How many can I bring home?
I’m hungry all the time. Please send me more food. All they serve here is meals.
I learned how to paddle a canoe. It’s much easier without wearing those bulky life jackets.
Hope you are fine. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and to buy some more bullets.
Computer Camp’s lots of fun. My counselor showed me how to see what the Army’s doing. Tomorrow we get to read CIA stuff.
You were right. Camp is fun. Three of the Counselors showed us games they learned in prison. It must be a fun place.
Did you know if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? Some of the boys look funny w/o hair and eyebrows.
As a surprise for tonight’s entertainment some guys wearing DEA and FBI jackets showed us how a drug raid is done.
You’ll be proud of me. I learned how to apply a tourniquet to myself. I never knew I had type O blood just like you.
Crib Notes For Life
• All the world’s a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
• Boldly go where everyone’s already been, but at discount rates.
• Constant change is here to stay.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Do it right the first time, and maybe I’ll let you do it again.
• Don’t move, I want to forget you just the way you are.
• Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I stepped on a Tetanus needle today…now what?
• I will defend to your death your right to my opinion.
• I’m getting tired, why don’t YOU try being perfect for awhile?
• If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
• If you can’t enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else.
• If you can’t win by reason, go for volume.
• Let go of what you are and you might become what you could be.
• Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.
• Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• Public opinion is what people think other people are thinking.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Quick!!Act as if nothing has happened!
• Reality is a cheap substitute for Prozac.
• Shake well before and after use.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• The computer revolution is over. They won.
• The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A modern father was really disappointed when his wife gave birth to a daughter instead of a son.
He was hoping for someone to help him with the cooking and housework.
The new Mother was having problems changing the baby’s diaper. The Father, looking on, says, “No problem. Where’s the manual that came with the kid?”
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they’d have to move.
“It’s no use.” little’ Robbie said. “She’s crawling good now and she’d probably just follow us.”
Pity the poor couple out for the first time since the baby was born and the baby-sitter calls them at the party asking where they keep their fire extinguisher.
A man and a pregnant woman get into a cab. The man tells the cabbie, “City Hall, the Wedding Chapel, then General Hospital, and go like Hell, hear?”
The pregnant woman, tired of all the comments concerning her condition, even from strangers, paused as the salesgirl said, “I see you’re expecting.”
“Actually, no.” replied the woman. “I’m pretty damn sure.”
Every Day Advice For Rednecks
1. If you take beer to a job interview, bring some for the interviewer too.
2. If they are not wearing a game warden’s uniform, try to identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Don’t use the dead fridges in your front yard for sighting in your guns. They are too close. Use your neighbor’s fridges for that.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. Except at the drive-in it’s considered fashionable to take the bottle out of the paper bag.
3. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
1. For table centerpieces stuffed animals are a lot nicer than road kill.
2. Do not allow the dog to sit on the table … he should sit on a chair or milk crate like everybody else
3. The chair with the most legs is for visitors.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of beer money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingers is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
3. No matter how real a game warden looks on the screen, don’t shoot in the movie. It gives the person in front of you a terrible ear ache.
1. Livestock, is a poor choice for a wedding gift, unless it is yours.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using duct tape. Use pantyhose instead.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not shoot any game while traveling in a funeral procession.
7. It’s OK to put the beer in the air-conditioned hearse, but it is tacky
to strap the corpse on the roof to make more room for more beer.
[The room is filled with hundreds of people waiting in various lines and the sounds of shuffling papers, soft weeping, and frequent yelling]
DMV Employee: “NEXT!”
Citizen: [Speaking loudly through three-inch Plexiglas] “Okay, I’ve waited in this three-hour line four different times over the last two days. I’ve lost my voice from yelling at everyone who works here. I have watched you and your co-workers retreat into that back room for five-minute breaks that last an hour and have gotten so angry and frustrated that I have burst two blood vessels in my right eye and one in my left.”
DMV Employee: [Yawns]
Citizen: “But I now believe that I have everything needed to register my car. So here we go. Here’s a completed application for an automobile title and license plates.”
DMV Employee: [Blank stare, punctuated by occasional eye roll]
Citizen: “Here’s the old title, signed by the seller.”
DMV Employee: [Blank stare]
Citizen: “And to prove that I’m who I say I am, here’s my driver license, passport, and a copy of my phone bill. Oh, and I’ve also brought along the doctor who delivered me.”
Doctor: “Hello. How are you?”
DMV Employee: [Blank stare, followed by brief nod]
Citizen: “And as described in the instructions for ‘Registering Your Car on a Monday,’ I’ve brought the head of a freshly sacrificed yak and five feathers from a bluebird.”
DMV Employee: [Blank stare, long yawn]
Citizen: “And this is the president of my auto insurance company.”
Insurance Company President: “Hi there.”
Citizen: “He’s here to verify my insurance coverage.”
DMV Employee: [Flipping through documents] “Did your doctor bring the doctor who delivered him?”
DMV Employee: [30-second blank stare] What word didn’t you understand? [Another 30-second blank stare] I said, did… your… doctor… bring… the… doctor… who… delivered… him?”
Doctor: “Uh, no I didn’t. Sorry. The doctor who delivered me passed away 12 years ago. But I’ve brought along his widow.”
Doctor’s Doctor’s Widow: “Hello. My husband did, in fact, deliver the doctor that delivered Mr. Shein. That was back in 1935.”
Insurance Company President: “Hey, I was born in 1935!”
DMV Employee, Doctor, and Citizen: [Angry stares at Insurance Company President]
Insurance Company President: “Sorry.”
DMV Employee: [To Doctor's Doctor's Widow] “Ma’am, can you tell me what the total U.S. gross domestic product was in 1935?”
Doctor’s Doctor’s Widow: “No, I’m afraid I don’t know. In preparation for the registering of Mr. Shein’s car, I only memorized the GDP back through 1939.”
DMV Employee: [To citizen] “Well, sir, it looks like you’ll have to get back in line. You need…”
Doctor’s Doctor’s Widow: “Wait! I brought along one of President Roosevelt’s economic advisors to answer that question. He’s 97 years old.”
Roosevelt Advisor: “Here’s my full report on the economy in 1935. Now, I must get back to my deathbed. Good day.”
DMV Employee: [Looking at economic report] “This economic report has not been notarized.”
DMV Employee: “Yes, notarized. That process that requires you to pay a random person $2.00 and verbally swear that the document is legitimate.”
Citizen: “What if I just swear it’s legitimate right now, to you? I’ll even give you the $2.00.”
DMV Employee: [Long stare] “As I was saying, if you have a document that is not properly notarized, you have to jump through this flaming hoop in a symbolic representation of the notarization process.” [Holds up flaming hoop]
Citizen: “Fine.” [Citizen jumps through the hoop]
DMV Employee: “Well, it’s never happened before, but it looks like everything is in order.”
Doctor, Doctor’s Doctor’s Widow, Insurance Company President, and Citizen:
DMV Employee: [Looking at watch] “But because it’s twenty minutes to closing, you’ll have to come back tomorrow and start again.”
Citizen: [Exasperated] “We can’t finish this in 20 minutes?”
DMV Employee: [Laughing] “Sorry, no way. See, each day at twenty minutes to closing, I get up from my chair, walk into the back room, and gossip with my co-workers for twenty minutes while hundreds of people stand out here, fuming with frustration and anger. But feel free to argue with my empty chair at your leisure.” [Gets up to leave]
Citizen: “Does this mean I’ll have to wait in this line again?”
DMV Employee: “Yes. And don’t forget: On Tuesday, in place of the head of a yak and the bluebird feathers that are required on Monday, you’ll need to bring a bag of chicken bones and your second grade teacher. It’s all there in the instructions.” [Exits laughing]
Some Great Quotes
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to height.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains fall out.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
I never said most of the things I said.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Things I’ve Learned As I’ve Grown Older
Now that I’ve retired, it’ll only be a few more years before Social Security kicks in. My only regret is that future generations won’t be here to see all the wonderful things I’m planning to do with their money.
Remember, as you’re searching for a parking place in the mall lot, stupidity doesn’t qualify you to park in the Handicapped Slots nearest the entrance.
One of the best things about being a Grandparent is seeing that your kids finally understand why “Because I said so!” is a perfectly good answer. They must understand because it seems they’re using the same phrase with their own kids.
One of the many things I’ve discovered as I near the age of sixty is work’s a lot less fun, and fun’s a lot more work.
I’ve been on my best behavior as of late — and not just because I’m turning over a new leaf or anything… It’s just that my wife found the key to my gun cabinet.
The wages of sin is death according to the Bible. But wait a minute… uh… Isn’t the wages of purity also death???
Now that Bush has been elected, maybe we’ll finally see some action on my proposal to make Super Bowl Sunday a National Holiday in the US.
I heard on the news that scientists are working on an anti-hangover drug. While I fully understand the importance of that, seems to me the first order of business should be a pill that will make person you meet in bars more attractive the next morning.
If you get a parking ticket, keep in mind how fortunate you are to have a car…
And that paying those things is strictly for chumps.
Treat every person you meet like they’re a member of your family.
So, find a stranger and tell them how they screwed up your life.
Always be you.
Unless you are annoying, in which case, please be someone else.
Drugs don’t make you cool.
Only popular friends and the right clothes can do that.
Learn to laugh at your own faults.
Then you laugh at the faults of others — that’s where the real kicks are.
Give a man a fish, and you’ve fed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ve given him a good excuse to drink lots of beer.
Hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil…
And you’ll never be a success at a party
If you consider college the “Fountain of Knowledge”…
At least gargle once in a while
Always pick your fights. Sometimes, it’s better to be neutral…
Like when your wife and Mother-in-Law argue, for example
There’s a lot of “Buck Passing” in Washington…
Unfortunately, there’s a lot of “Buck Keeping” also
If your teenage daughter has to trims her toenails to put on her jeans…
You might want to insist she buy a larger size
Remember, regardless of what you may hear…
It’s isn’t the thought that counts, it’s the gift behind it
The majority of the time, language is used to convey information. There are however some phrases to be on the look-out for. By that I mean if you hear any of the phrases below, LOOK OUT!
- These consultants are going to help us reorganize…
- Would you show this new Intern what your job entails?
- I just had a wonderful new vision…
- That sounds like a great concept, but…
- What happens if I push this button?
- I just got this off the Web…
- This guy in Nigeria wants to get some cash out of the country and…
- Of course I checked it for a virus…
- Well, in my opinion…
- Trust me, this is foolproof…
- Before you go home, could you have a quick look at this?
- Could you see your way clear to…
- It’s not about the oil, stupid, it’s…
- There will be minimal collateral damage to the…
- This new law is in the national interest because…
- And the projected cost is only…
MARRIAGE (Husband to Wife):
- We don’t need a plumber/electrician/repairman, I can do it…
- Sure I like your family, but…
- No, I don’t need the directions to assemble this thing, it’s…
- I have an idea…
MARRIAGE (Wife to Husband):
(See “Relationships: Woman to Man” — Women never change)
- This won’t hurt at all, you may feel a…
- It’s just a routine procedure…
- It’s probably just a rash…
- I’ve never seen a case like this before…
- Cut the red wire…
- Just sign this routine form and give us your credit card and we’ll take care of everything…
- Good morning, class…
- And I assure you, the risk is so small that…
RELATIONSHIPS (Man to Woman):
- This may sound perverted at first…
- Yes, your friend is very attractive…
- I have an idea…
- I’m not opposed to marriage, but…
RELATIONSHIPS (Woman to Man):
- Is there anything you want to tell me?
- We need to talk…
- Why do you love me?
- No… Really — I don’t mind at all…
- We are from Jehovah’s Witnesses…
- And what are you going to do about it?
- Would you carry this package onto the plane for me?
- Hear me out before you say “No”…
What Store Employees Really Mean when They Say…
“May I help you select a size?”
Don’t touch that, I just spent a half-hour folding these and I don’t need your grubby lil’ paws messing it up again
“Do you need my help with anything?”
Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy
“Welcome to __________”
OH great!!! Another idiot to mess-up all my displays just to buy a damn pair of pantyhose
“Have a nice day!”
Especially now, after you’ve ruined mine
“Thank you for shopping at _________”
Thanks for maxing-out your Visa here
“Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
The more you can carry… the more you’ll buy
“I love your ______! Where did you get it?”
Your _____ is much much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Hell… why are you even shopping here?
“Can I help you get something down?”
I’ll get a ladder so you don’t slip and fall like that last idiot customer
“Don’t worry about refolding it, I can do it”
You’d just mess it up if you folded it, then I’ll never sell the damn thing
“No, I’m afraid we don’t have any more in stock”
I just don’t want to bother checking — it’s too far to walk
“Sorry, I cannot make change”
I already opened my register four times today to steal enough to pay for my dinner, I don’t need to open it again for no reason, the manager might get suspicious
“Sorry, I can’t help you at the moment, I am with another customer”
Go Away. I’m on break and besides you don’t look like you’re gonna spend a whole lot anyway
“I’m sorry. We don’t have any more of that particular item in stock at the moment, we may be getting some in this week”
You’re probably not gonna come back anyway, so it’s OK if I lie to you… if you do come back, then the shipment was misdirected to another of our stores
“Those slacks with the yellow stripes look amazing on you. They make you look so skinny”
I’m on commission here and I am lying through my teeth
“Of course that’s in style”
That crap was considered passé years ago dummy
“It would make a wonderful birthday gift”
As long as the celebrant’s blind that is
“What do you need help with miss?”
You’ve been here 30 minutes and haven’t bought a damn thing
“If you see it elsewhere at a better price, we’ll refund the difference”
Provided you have 45 minutes to kill and fill out the necessary forms
“I’m sorry, we no longer carry that item”
It was outselling the higher priced stuff
“Let me check with my manager”
I have to go to the bathroom
“I assure you, that will perform as well as the higher priced one”
Just not anywhere near as long
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2034
• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock
• Baby conceived naturally… Scientists stumped
• Authentic year 2000 “chad” sells at Sotheby’s for $4.6 million
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but Pres Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only
• 35 year study concludes diet and exercise is the key to weight loss
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights
• Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants
• Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches
• Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%